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Original poster

Wwyd - dp looking at beautiful women

266 replies

boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:32

By beautiful I mean that perfect, unattainable look. Soft porn style.

I am hurt and upset, and disappointed. He doesn't get it at all, and thinks him looking at them does not detract how he feels about me.

How would u feel?

I didn't think he was like this - I'm a feminist and thought he was too.

OP posts:
Nocomet · 06/03/2014 10:03

Uncontainable

Nocomet · 06/03/2014 10:04

Unobtainable

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 10:15

Fatherjake - people at your work have pictures of naked men on their desks? I thought it was just (some) mechanics - and their girly calendars - that did things like that! Still, equal opportunities though I suppose Wink

OP think you're right it's the not discussing that's the issue. Still failing to see how he can say it's art/like looking at art. I think I'd have more respect for him if he was just honest and said 'I like big boobs'... or whatever it is... at least then you'd get to the root of it.

I'm really surprised it's taken so long to find out his opinions on such images. We live in a time where music videos, adverts, Page 3 etc... are everywhere and I think it was pretty quick in the getting-to-know-you period that I learned about my DP's views on such things.

I'm still not sure it's 'soft porn' either but I suppose if you don't like the pictures and he does, it's that that's the issue.

Hope you're feeling alright today x

Offred · 06/03/2014 10:29

I don't mind my bf looking at/finding beautiful women attractive. I would care if he was getting off on pictures of people that have been made up and photoshopped and sold and comparing them to pictures of things. It's the objectification of it that'd bother me. That and the dismissing of my feelings.

Offred · 06/03/2014 10:30

And fatherjake naked pictures in a workplace is sexual harassment. The employer is opening themselves up to an employment claim by allowing this, the rules are no different for women than they are for men.

lisac99 · 06/03/2014 11:55

My lasting issue is how he's delt with this. He is so defensive, repeatedly saying there is nothing to discuss / no issue. He feels there is no need to communicate about this. It is THIS that I find insulting and disrespectful..

Whether your worries are founded or not, his attitude stinks and that's what you have to decide - whether you are happy for him to be this way over anything that comes up.

In my mind, he's saying that it's not important TO HIM, therefore that's it, decision made, put up and shut up.

You are right, it is insulting and it is disrespectful. I guess the only question is, are you going to try and 'make him see your point of view and hope he changes, or are you going to accept you can't change him and live with it... or are you going to leave as you deserve better?

Qix · 06/03/2014 13:59

It is hard to be respectful of someone's feelings if you think they're completely over reacting though.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 06/03/2014 14:13

I thought I did know his opinions about this..

It fucking infuriates me he calls it art. I wish he'd be honest.

I'm so so angry.. How should I play it when he gets home and this evening? Ignore him? Try and talk again?

All I want to do is look at flats to get away from him. (He has said he won't leave as his name on tenancy)

OP posts:
Original poster
boomoohoo · 06/03/2014 14:16

Oh btw, I have a dd from a previous relationship, 4yrs old. Dd and dp have a lovely relationship Hmm obvs this makes it a much harder decision..

OP posts:
WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 14:16

If you're discussing who should move out etc, it sounds like you're already part way broke up.

Look at flats. Sod it, keep your options open. He sounds a bit weird to be honest.

Art my arse! Grin

MysweetAudrina · 06/03/2014 14:16

If a woman posted on her saying that her dh didnt want her going out for a drink with a male friend cause is made him feel insecure or if he didnt want her wearing a low cut top, like perhaps the girls in the magazines that are being exploited, becauase he didnt like the thought of other people oogling her she would be told he was a controlling bastard and to ltb. If he is doing something and you dont like it because it makes you feel insecure maybe you need to check where the problem lies, your insecurities or his unreasonable behavior.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 06/03/2014 14:17

After he refused to move, he softened a d said he didn't want to break up

OP posts:
Original poster
boomoohoo · 06/03/2014 14:21

Mysweet I said up thread I recognise its my insecurity. I feel differently about him as I didn't think he was the type to look at those images. But my problem is with how he has dealt with it

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/03/2014 14:21

As for the actual looking at the photos, it depends on the circumstances.
I'd be more concerned if he spent hours on it, or regularly (every day or every other day), to the detriment of the relationship, or you though he expected that look from you, or he didn't show enough interest in you.

If you found a few instances in his computer history, then I wouldn't have bothered mentioning it.

rainbowsmiles · 06/03/2014 14:23

Boomoohoo, please tell me there are other issues. You can't seriously be splitting up over this. You do not own his mind and you have no right to insist he shares your view on this. Men like looking at beautiful unattainable women just as women do. Jeez I like looking at both and it is no one's business but my own.

I actually think you are being beyond unreasonable. If my dh was behaving like you over this I'd be locking the door behind him.

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 14:41

I don't mind this (to a certain extent - and still don't think that FHM style poses/model are the safe as 'soft porn') in my relationship.

My DP has a rotating desktop screensaver on his iPad... one of me, one of me and DD and our dog, and then one of Jessica Alba! She's not nudey or anything but it's a bit provocative photo (to be fair, she does look hot... although not as hot as me obvs Hmm ). I don't mind at all, I think it's quite funny (albeit something a teenage girl would do with a photo of Harry Styles!).
He says it's 'all his favourite women'. I laugh and call him a loser ... and that's it. But then, as is clear here, we all view this issue differently and that's fine. Everynow and then I google-image Michael Fassbender and have a little swoon session. I suppose the main difference being I don't google photos of him in his pants. Maybe I should... Shock

Can't remember who it was earlier (sorry), but one poster said if it was pictures of a woman being tied up etc or videos of extreme/violent sex etc it'd be totally different and I'd understand how upset you are.

But if you feel these pictures clash with your feminist beliefs and he's dismissing your views or has withheld his views, then that is a big deal. Especially if he's just going to tell you to shut up and drop it if you try to have a sensible discussion about it.

I do agree that if you feel insecure about your looks though, trying to pretend there are photos of hot models out there isn't going to help. Photos (airbrushed or not) that are posed and have people looking all lusty and moody etc are just fantasy... I think most people wouldn't be interested in talking to them or actually doing anything with them... it's just looking at photos.

There's another thread going on at the moment where a DH has been sending public tweets to his favourite female celebrities etc... that's a lot worse. Have to say - as much as it's a bit juvenile - it's not that bad....?

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 14:43

*there aren't photos...
I meant...

Qix · 06/03/2014 14:45

How long have you been with him?

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 14:50

They've been together 2 years Qix Smile

Qix · 06/03/2014 14:53

You see, I think if you're this insecure then maybe it's not right for you to be in a relationship right now?

Original poster
boomoohoo · 06/03/2014 14:54

Rainbowsmiles as I have said, it's his uncommunicative was that is the issue, not the pics.

OP posts:
CaptainHindsight · 06/03/2014 14:55

Boo - Its hard to take off the rose tinted glasses sometimes but once the respect has gone its bloody hard to claw it back.

I find self-centered attitudes are usually a result of poor emotional maturity.

This isn't AIBU? This is the relationship board so don't give a flying fuck if posters are trying to turn this into your problem. You are allowed to find his behaviour unacceptable, just because others wouldn't mind does not detract from how you feel.

It sounds like you need someone a little bit more on your level OP. Contrary to popular opinion on this thread, there are men like this around.

Depends on the circles you move in eh?

Jan45 · 06/03/2014 14:58

Sorry but if he's doing this in front of you it is disrespectful, I bet he wouldn't like to sit with you whilst you ogled half naked men and called it art.

It's also his reaction, could be cos he feels under attack, wait and see what he says to you tonight about it, he should at least accept that you don't want this done in front of your eyes. Also, 2 years in he should be all over YOU.

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 15:00

OP was he trying to joke/make you laugh/be funny when he said the 'art' thing?

I can't imagine anyone saying that with a straight face sorry!

rainbowsmiles · 06/03/2014 15:40

Hmmmmm you have already said it's about your insecurity and the pictures. Now its because he doesn't want to discuss it and you want to go on and on about something which he no doubt considers ridiculous.

I would be exactly the same if my dh tried to talk to me about something so ridiculous and quite frankly absolutely none of his business.

He's your boyfriend not someone to exercise thought control over.

I think you have to stand back and be honest with yourself here.