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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wwyd - dp looking at beautiful women

266 replies

boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:32

By beautiful I mean that perfect, unattainable look. Soft porn style.

I am hurt and upset, and disappointed. He doesn't get it at all, and thinks him looking at them does not detract how he feels about me.

How would u feel?

I didn't think he was like this - I'm a feminist and thought he was too.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/03/2014 22:06

yup. I don't think they look better though.

Lweji · 05/03/2014 22:11

Maybe he wants to be a make up artist?

VoyageDeVerity · 05/03/2014 22:16

It was hardly anal intrusion 5 was it?

I take it this was Kate Upton and the like in a bikini?
Really? You want to make an issue of this?

Lweji · 05/03/2014 22:17

Wonders why nude art and naked art only comes out as porn photos in my google search Hmm.

Lweji · 05/03/2014 22:19

Anal intrusion, on the other hand, is perfectly safe.

Ragglefrock · 05/03/2014 22:20

I don't think this is a big issue at all - why are you being so controlling?! Illegal stuff or really derogatory or hardcore porn fair enough but this is so minor. You can't gouge out his eyes if ge sees and enjoys an advertisement with a beautiful woman. .?! I think the main issue is his unwillingness to communicate but tbh it's his prerogative if he wants to privately enjoy this without having to justify his feelings or ask permission.

Lweji · 05/03/2014 22:26

More seriously,

He thinks they're art. He just doesn't get it
He doesn't think they're art. He's just saying it. He gets it, but doesn't want to admit to you why he does it and sounds a bit gaslighting.

Regardless of why he does it, and your feelings on this, I would be worried about this response.

Are you worried because he spends a lot of time online looking at these pictures? Or is it a rare occurrence?

rainbowsmiles · 05/03/2014 22:27

If my husband checked my browsing history and saw I'd been checking out handsome half naked men or beautiful half naked women and got jealous and told me to stop I'd think him off his rocker.

My reaction would be "whats it to do with you?".

This would not bother me at all. If he was checking out rape porn or very violent porn or that animal love porn then I could see it causing an issue, but come on, he likes looking at nice pictures of semi naked women...Call the cops!!

If he started hanging posters up or buying nuts I'd be a little concerned but a bit of bored bum and boob browsing...ah come on!

VoyageDeVerity · 05/03/2014 22:40

Gaslighting??!!!

What on earth makes you think he's gas lighting her? OP wants a freaking discussion about why he's looking at pretty women on the internet.

Poor guy.

Lweji · 05/03/2014 22:42

Because he's not looking at art, is he? Might as well be honest.

VoyageDeVerity · 05/03/2014 22:44

No he said he felt it was like looking at art didn't he?

Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 22:45

We're talking (arguing) now, thank I all for responses, will update later x

OP posts:
Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 22:46

*you

OP posts:
Qix · 05/03/2014 22:48

I think you're over reacting.

It is your prerogative to end the relationship for any reason you want to though of course. However I think there are few men who don't enjoy seeing pictures of attractive women and if soft porn is your deal breaker I think you may find it difficult to find someone who matches your standards.

rainbowsmiles · 05/03/2014 22:49

Not sure you get to decide what art is or isn't. I think all you can say is it is not art for you.

CaptainHindsight · 05/03/2014 22:50

What men want
What men like
What men are entitled to.

Hmm give me fucking strength.

Botanicbaby · 05/03/2014 22:56

He's likening it to looking at art/landscapes? yeah, right.

Doesn't really matter what the subject matter is, if your partner is feeling sidelined & unhappy about something you are doing, then you at least show them the courtesy of discussing it. If the situation were reversed and OP was looking at "art" "hot, sexy, muscular young men" and OPs partner felt unhappy about it, well what then? Okay for OP to walk out in a huff? Nope.

WWYD? I would say to him its them or me. Because we couldn't continue in a loving, trusting, happy relationship if I felt uncomfortable about his need to look at pictures of "perfection" whether it was to satisfy his interest in "art" or otherwise.

Lweji · 05/03/2014 23:06

Do people spend time looking at landscapes online?

He could be looking at these instead.

beachside · 06/03/2014 00:54

My god....... I'm actually agreeing with an any fucker post.

Precisely, these two need to talk ,to discuss, to reach an understanding a compromise. Not have one lay down the law - do as you are told or leave, that is not how to keep a relationship going.

Nocomet · 06/03/2014 01:00

Yes lots of googling landscape paintings here.

GCSE art!

Do all men only look at beautiful women and only think I want to fuck her, maybe, Im not a man.

I certainly look at beautiful men and apreciate them as llvely to look at. Do I want sex with all of them, no only about 80% of them. Some are too old, too young, too dim or too muscular or too blond to want to fuck.

I can certainly appreciate and admire a beautiful woman and want to sleep with 0% of them.

Nocomet · 06/03/2014 01:08

Personally I don't see looking and fantasizing as wrong.

I think it's very controlling to expect your partner only to have eyes for you and totally unrealistic.

But then I'm a plain mousy glasses wearing brunette, looks aren't important to me and never have been.

I'm comfortable in my skin, was even as a teen, and so the OPs insecurites aren't mine.

I would only get annoyed if DH chose to stare at images of other women rather than come to bed with me.

As he's gone up to bed he might have the same complaint about MN

FatherJake · 06/03/2014 03:41

Never seen a more absurd thread on here. He was looking at scantily clad models, he wasn't looking at porn. Most of the secretaries I work with have half (or even completely...) naked pictures of male footballers or film stars etc by their desks. Even if he was masturbating to it (which I would actually say is very unlikely - if men want to knock one out would generally be over actual porn or what's in their head rather than a page 3 type 'babe') so what. If I was your partner I would be absolutely furious at being taken to task on something so minor and I would probably have stormed out too. Get a grip.

MummyJ1977 · 06/03/2014 07:53

It's not so much the looking at soft porn that would bother me, more the bring disrespectful and dismissive of my feelings

Original poster
boomoohoo · 06/03/2014 09:20

Thank u all again for your replies.

It's not the images per say that is the problem. Though I was heartbroken when I saw that he'd been looking at them, I realise that I am deeply insecure of how I look, which is where the pain lies. But I am also dissapointed in him. I didn't think he was the type to look at these fhm type images. I thought he was more mature than that. I don't have a problem with him looking at other women - I know we will both sometimes find others attractive. This is normal and natural.

But that he considers perfectly photoshopped images of women to be art.. And beautiful.. Disgusts me. Women are beautiful. Real women. Not the pervading images of flawless ness that is so damaging to us all.

My lasting issue is how he's delt with this. He is so defensive, repeatedly saying there is nothing to discuss / no issue. He feels there is no need to communicate about this. It is THIS that I find insulting and disrespectful..

He said last night - can't you just talk to ur friends if u have an issue? He doesn't get that i would want to talk to him if I have a problem with him.. He thinks I should let things go as its not important. He doesn't understand how to reassure me..

OP posts:
Nocomet · 06/03/2014 10:03

Not wanting to talk is disrespectful, but I've no idea how you deal with it.

I resort to emails and notes stuck over DH's computer keyboard when he really, really isn't listening, which is probably a bit childish.

I'm guessing he thought you'd feel less threatened by uncontainable and clearly impossibly beautiful women.

Now your more annoyed he has no idea how to react. IME men (and DD2) pathologically can't admit to mistakes and get very cross at being criticised. It's very difficult to work round.

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