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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dealing with separation

182 replies

keptinthedark · 24/01/2014 00:08

my husband has been gone almost four weeks ......the pain is still insurmountable ...i can't eat or sleep i just sob and wail ...i want him back so badly i am in tablets from the doctor but they are n
ot helping .....help me

OP posts:
canttypefortears · 24/01/2014 00:24

Just posted myself too. My husband told me he no longer loves me on christmas day. I was and still am MADLY in love with him. He left two weeks ago. Ive been a sobbing mess and yes like you prescribed tabs. I have that gut wrenching pain. If i do sleep at night i wake thinking ive had a nightmare, suddenly reality hits. Yesterday something clicked in me, im worth more than this, i dont deserve this, he doesnt deserve me! Hes asked for divorce ( only 3 weeks ago did he say he had a problem with the marriage, i was blissfully unawares!). Im a woman scorned he has a fight on his hands! Dont get me wrobg, im still so devestated and would have him back if he cane. But ive got kids and i got to get back to being their mum. Abd i got a bit of fight left ib me yet. Cyber hugs sweetie x

1983mummy · 24/01/2014 12:10

Sorry that you're going through this. A separation can be like a bereavement so it does take time to come out the other end. I am coming up to a year now and I can honestly say I may not be perfect, but I am happy now. if you have DCs adapting to becoming a SP is hard work but it makes you feel really strong. Just keep yourself busy - I joined the gym Grin

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/01/2014 13:32

I'm sorry you're still so down. You need real people around you at this time. Someone to encourage you to eat and get a bit of rest. Someone to listen to you sob if necessary. Tablets can only damp things down a little so that you can function. They don't change the circumstances. Only time can do that unfortunately.

Maybe it would help if you told us how it happened and a bit more about yourself? Do you have kids? Friends? A job?

Original poster
keptinthedark · 24/01/2014 17:07

an affair ........and not the first time ......we have three dcs they are in pieces .....i have begged and pleaded with him to come back but to no avail i am so desperate it hurts so so bad

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 24/01/2014 19:08

Bastard.

Please stop begging him to come back and start focusing on your precious DCs. Read this link on why begging does not work

handfulofcottonbuds · 24/01/2014 19:43

I'm so sorry.

No matter how hard it is though, do not beg him to come back, maintain your dignity.

Are the tablets ADs? If so they can take a few weeks to start working and the tears will reduce.

Do you have family, close friends who you can lean on? If you feel like texting, emailing, phoning him, then can you call a friend? My friends took it in turns to sit with me most nights. Sometimes they just sat there hugging me.

How old are your DCs?

Try to focus on you and your DCs, I know how hard it is but it is them that will help you get through.

Sleep when you can, even just naps. Eat little bits, I lived on soup and bananas for weeks. Cry as much as you need to, you will start to cry a little less each day until you suddenly realise that you haven't cried for a day, then two....

There is a Paul McKenna book that may help, 'I can Mend your Broken Heart'. I haven't read the book but the CD that comes with it is very good and helps me relax, a lot of women on here recommend it.

babycow38 · 24/01/2014 20:44

I have been there OP, 16 years together, two DD ,i left in Sept 13 because of his behaviour, not just finding out he was seeing OW but the cruelty and putting the blame on me after i found out. Five months on i have realised he just IS NOT worth the pain, i have had to rebuild a new life for me and the kids and he does not give a tosss, still going out , his appearence is all that matters, meeting new OW which is going to be a shock for the first one, I just keep telling myself i did not deserve this, i will get through and come out the otherside, it is such a cliche but it DOES take time, and now i know i will never in a million years have him back, you will get there,i didnt think i would, but i have xx keep posting xx

Original poster
keptinthedark · 25/01/2014 18:57

seen h today and he said seeing me this upset is killing me and he wishes he could come home but that he knows i would never forgive him .....then he gave me a big hug .....i am confused now ....i want him back so badly ....is he yet messing with me?? i am so upset i know that ow has driven to see him tonight as she lives four hours away that thought of them together is killing me and....he told me ow has said if he wants to go back to me she will understand .....what is that about he left me for her!!! Help please

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 25/01/2014 19:06

I remember your previous thread but I won't out you.

He is playing you like a fiddle, seriously, he has been so hurtful throughout this and then says this!

Please try and get stronger. I know you have to be in contact for your DCs sake but do not hug him, it will keep you in the place you are in right now and that isn't a happy one.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 25/01/2014 19:06

seen h today and he said seeing me this upset is killing me and he wishes he could come home but that he knows i would never forgive him .....then he gave me a big hug .....i am confused now ....i want him back so badly ....is he yet messing with me?? i am so upset i know that ow has driven to see him tonight as she lives four hours away that thought of them together is killing me and....he told me ow has said if he wants to go back to me she will understand .....what is that about he left me for her!!! Help please

OP posts:
Original poster
keptinthedark · 25/01/2014 19:08

thank you for not outing me.......i was identified on here by a member of h family .....and they threatened me

OP posts:
buggermewhatnext · 25/01/2014 19:09

Do not beg him to come back . It wont work. I have been there done that and he still trotted out through the door.
Then I got back with him FIVE years later!! I found out he only responded to me as his relationship had gone belly up. I held the torch for him all that time and in the end I was second choice. We lasted another five years but it hasnt worked... So in short if he can walk away once, when you are begging him not too dont go there

handfulofcottonbuds · 25/01/2014 19:11

I'm glad you came back x

What can you do to make things easier for you? I'm guessing he comes to the house when he likes? I know you miss him terribly but he is messing with your mind and you are vulnerable right now - it's not fair and you can't move forward if he continues to do this to you.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 25/01/2014 19:17

thank you ......i missed the support ........yes he comes to the house regularly and calls or texts me at least twice a day always texts with smiley faces and lots of kisses .......i know i should realise he is playing me but i want him back so....he knows that too so i suppose its my fault ......

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 25/01/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buggermewhatnext · 25/01/2014 19:21

You need to give yourself time and plenty of it. You need to cherish yourself, try to plan nice things no matter how small. Silly things like buying new things for the house, treating self to new hair style, manicure, reflexolgy.. lovely hot baths. I tried all those things and they did help me a little. It will take time

handfulofcottonbuds · 25/01/2014 19:31

whatnext is so right. People are so kind, the first time I treated myself to a massage after my H left, the masseur asked me why I had booked the massage and I simply said, "my H has left me for another woman", she said she would make me feel lovely. I had felt ashamed to say that before.

Same when I got my hair done, I sat there with my eyes closed the whole time but felt better for having got a new hairstyle.

I closed my eyes in the shower for weeks, couldn't bear to look at myself, it does take time but you will start to love yourself again and as long as you do that and also know that you have the unconditional love of your DCs, you can come through this.

mrsmciver · 25/01/2014 23:40

I recognise you too, I was worried about you.
Am seriously struggling myself right now but please block your h phone number. It is doing you no good at all. He is messing with your head too much. He is being cruel and keeping you dangling, leaving you waiting for any 'morsel' he throws your way.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 00:00

iam mistaking his actions for love i don't know i feel like he still loves me he says he does i want him to think he can't come back but if i push him away he cuddles me more sends more texts and says he loves me more i feel like i am losing the battle he is controlling my every waking and sleeping moment i thought that after four weeks it would feel better but its not if anything its getting harder i have lost three stone and had my haircut but that hasn't helped me any

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 00:08

You may not believe it but you do sound stronger now.

Could you tell him to back off, or get someone else to do it? He is really playing on your emotions and it really isn't fair on you. It's not about what he wants but about what you want. You need time and space to heal.

The ADs will start working over the next couple of weeks, 4 weeks is no time at all to begin to process something like this especially when he is being so manipulative.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 00:24

so do you think he is keeping me as some kind of reserve? cos he doesn't want to be on his own if it goes wrong with ow? or is he just going it to see the dcs? is he also confused about what he wants he seems to be

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 00:30

Yes, that word is what I wanted to write 'reserve' but I didn't want to upset you.

It doesn't sound like he's confused, he's having what he wants and keeping you in reserve. It really does sound as though it is building up his ego. His guilt is also reduced as he had given you a hug, sent a few smiley faces and kisses and it makes him feel absolved.

Can you see that you are stronger now? You are starting to see things for how they are.

DCRBye · 26/01/2014 00:41

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been through the same too. It's really so, so painful. I can't offer you any advice, only to say I wished I hadn't begged. Hugs and you're not alone xx

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 01:08

i don't feel stronger but i am pleased that you all think i am. i need to just get into my head that i must not let him make me his back up plan. he knows me too well i noticed today he has taken off his wedding ring that really hurt my heart as it seems really final but husband actions make me think there is hope and that we can work it out that is what i want more than anything for me and the dcs we need our lives back and he is holdingthe key and dangling it in my face taunting me almost

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 06:38

Sorry you're experiencing such terrible pain but getting your and the DCs' lives back is actually in your hands, not his. I think you're going to have to limit contact with your ex to the strictly necessary stuff to do with the DCs and make a big effort to focus on your new life for a while. Make some plans, be with friends, do things that you all enjoy. It isn't fair that he is keeping you on a string, confusing you and giving you false hopes. It is very cruel indeed. He really isn't your friend so there is no place for smiley face texts etc. Good luck