Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hand holding here honey, I'm so sorry. Stbxh has done this time after time with me and it hurts so much, perfect strangers and people you thought knew better just buying all the vile bullshit. It's mental and emotional abuse, especially after he's been nice with you. Been here. Probably be here again. Have a good cry, I'm holding your hand x

handholding here as well. My STBXH has been trashing me on his FB. A couple people on his friends list made me aware of it (I suspect they were uncomfortable with the way he was talking about me). I'm reasonably certain he doesn't know that I know about this stuff. It does hurt, knowing that some of the people on his friends list have been "friends" and acquaintances to me for years and now are happy to believe the bile he spills forth. But I merely chalk it up to learning who my REAL friends are IYSWIM.

honey86 it hurts because you want to believe his "nice guy" act. Because you are essentially a nice person and want to believe that everyone, including him, is deep down a nice person. Because it's hard to get your head around someone actually feeling like that about you.

First things first. Do not read his FB. Do not believe the nice guy act. Detach. When he's being vile, that is him telling you who he really is. Remember that - anything else is an act.

I've been posting links to "baggagereclaim" site lately. She has some very good articles on there. Have a read of this one. It's very apt.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/excerpt-how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-offloading-the-fairy-tale-of-turning-a-cockroach-into-a-frog-into-a-prince-p1/

honey that's awful. And as much as you'd like to ignore it, it is so hard. Is he actually slandering you, or is it anything you could report to FB or anyone? (not sure it that's even possible! but with all the recent news stories about teenagers being victims of online bullying there might be some safeguards in place now) Not sure of your situation as I haven't been keeping up (as I've been ignoring everything for a couple of months) and haven't read back-- but if you have any sort of injunction against him I think that some elements of FB constitute stalking or harassment. It's tempting to retaliate but I think dignified silence as you're doing is the right approach.

What a pathetic thing to do!

Youre definately right, i put up with so much cos i was desperate to find what i thought was a decent just misunderstood bloke deep down.

But i had a ds with him so im really in deep (his behaviour had suddenly gone from being abit of a dick occasionally-which alot of men are- to being mind-bending abusive, but only after i was a couple months pregnant- if i knew he was this bad i would never had a dc with him and he probably knew that). Hindsight

Now that ds is here ive tried so hard to avoid ticking him off but it seems impossible not to. The only ones involved with contact is me and my mum (in a public place and with one of us there cos of the risk that he might refuse to return him). Hes upset me and upset my mum theres noone else that can take ds to contact but if contact doesnt go ahead ill have threats of courts and a smear campaign to the highest degree. Hes tried social services before too when i refused to talk to him after a row. Accused me of child abuse. Im desperate to avoid that again but at the same time its inevitable.
Inevitable cos he will refuse to pay for a contact centre, threaten court but take ages to do anything but at the same time tell the world how im keeping his ds from him. Burning the bridges then punishing me cos the bridges are burnt.

Confusing, twisted, mental games even if i do nc at the mo, therell come a day when ds is older and would prob wana get to know his dad in the future then hed be darkening the door again. I feel trapped.

Thanks ill take a look at whatever i can find to give myself a kick up the backside x

Stbxh is being exceptionally well behaved and friendly lately, to the point where I'll probably have to tell him to tone it down and back off a bit. Part of me feels he's attempting to get me back, he's certainly acting that way, full of smiles and compliments when he visits.
Although this behaviour is far easier to digest and is making visits with our DC a lot easier, I know that he's very capable of changing in the blink of an eye. And for that reason, I don't trust him as far as I could throw him.
And I may miss him, but I do not want him back.

Scratch that. He's back to being a dick. Knew it was too good to be true. We were chatting quite amicably and suddenly he was ranting at me, going over issues we had in our relationship like they're still relevant now we're separated. And blame blame blame always on me. Apparently people's social lives don't change when they have kids. It's only me who thinks they do. And he stopped getting invited out because I'm a bitch and had the cheek to not want him to stay out all night every weekend with his phone off, during my pregnancies and after DC were born...
I could go on but even after I hung up I'm left in emotional tatters. He's successfully and very stealthily got to me again.
I'm back to telling him we communicate by text only. I'm an idiot for allowing him to get back under my skin. And here was me actually contemplating his invitation for movie and a meal on my birthday next week.

I guess that was good timing that he reminded you of who he really is now, then... but sorry to hear about the emotional tatters. and a and a few deep breaths...

This thread is almost full, so I've set up a new one and it's here

Jump over and sign in!

See you there.

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Ive had the same all day today. Apparently im out of order for not letting him come on our family holiday even after he tried to have my kids taken. He would be fine if id let him go. its my fault. All ive had is you did this n you did that all day. Im emotionally wrecked.
Dont think bad of yourself that hes got too you, theyre exceptionally good at what they do