Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh alice what a knob, and what a bloody cheek. Your poor mil too, what a position to put her in. I agree this sounds purposeful and very spiteful. And he expects you to respectful of his new bit of fluff?! Grrr. So sorry.

I'm embarrassed to say that I did ring MIL back and tell her "by the way, he's said she's staying with you until Sunday, and that they're then coming back on Monday and are spending the whole week with you. Since I'm pretty sure they didn't bother to discuss their plans with you - apparently they don't need to consider ANYONE in this."

She had no idea the OW was staying until sunday afternoon and had no idea they were both coming back on Monday to spend the week. They do NOTHING while they're there, so MIL will be waiting on them hand and foot instead of resting.

I'll tell you one thing they won't be doing. They won't be seeing DCs.

he's sent a text saying he's staying with MIL for two weeks... so the DCs won't be able to see her for almost a month. Stupid FW. And he said "I won't be coming anywhere near you." Good. Then obviously he won't be seeing the DCs. Works for me.

What a complete arsewipe. How entitled can one person get? And your mil should be resting, mourning, not having to faff about over an adult son and his new bird. Don't blame you one bit for being angry. Someone asked me today how I remain so civil with stbxh. Right now I'm doing it for DC and will always be civil in front of them But if he carries on interrogating me every phone call, I can't guarantee how long that civility is going to last.

Oh alice - and your poor MIL You did the right thing, ringing her and giving her the heads up, as you seem to be friends (and sort of sisters iykwim?)

I'm still seething here. "respect him and his girlfriend" ??? seriously? who the fuck does he think he is?? respect is EARNED buddy.

God, I so want to go on his facebook page and just drop EVERYTHING on it... and then end with that --- "you demand that be respectful to you and your girlfriend? Respect is EARNED, and you have not earned a drop of respect."

aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'd love to see all those people that are "oh poor you" on his FB page (because all he's putting is how traumatised he is over his sister's death, NOTHING about that he's moved in with his new fiancé) would LOVE to see them see his actual behaviour...... grrrrrrrrrrr poor him my ass.

alice that's me with stbxh FB. I would bloody love to out him for the utter bastard he actually is. His posts lately (my brother has another account and pops on to see what he's up to) have literally been all about how much he loves and misses DC, how hard it is on him, how difficult I'm being (!!!!). I'd love to get on there and tell all his mates that he's seen our DC for exactly 6 hours in four weeks and not because I've stopped him, but because he's a self centred bastard who can only be arsed with them once in a bloody blue moon.
Respect is earned and he deserves none of yours alice, you sound amazing whilst he sounds like an utter wanker.

I get the distinct impression that he doesn't want me to see MIL. He has made sure that the OW is there fri-sun, and then they'll both be there for 2 weeks. Must be nice to be able to simply dump your school-age children on the older children at a moment's notice for almost 3 weeks. God, she's no better than him.

I'm sure that's part of her appeal to him - she can just dump her kids whenever and wherever. He thinks our children are "too much work."

I'm going to console myself with the fact that SHE now has to put up with his shitty behaviour (although at this point, it's probably not deteriorated that far yet - give it a few more weeks, they've only been living together a couple weeks). The constant farting (in bed, at meals, all day long), the drinking until he's bleary, sitting with his shirt pushed up exposing his beer belly, the shouting and swearing and ripping heads off when he can't find stuff which he's invariably not bothered to put away (which would be why he couldn't find it), the impatience with the DCs (which will set in soon - and teenagers and impatient stepdad? the words "flame" to "paper" come to mind), and then shouting at her when she tells him not to treat her kids that way (IF she tells him that), the racist comments, the rants on politics and everything on television, the insistence on watching the grossest goriest horror movies and being angry if others want to watch something else, the ridiculous clothing he wears that would only really be appropriate for a teenager or early 20-something male and certainly not for a paunchy balding almost 50 year old male (god knows I tried to get him to dress his age in the last couple years to no avail).

And me? I don't have to live with any of it anymore. So I will enjoy that little bit of happy.

Glad your bank account is sorted curt.

Alice what a knobber!! Sorry you're having to put up with it.

Anyone got advice for me on how to tell fw ex that I'm going on holiday with dp and taking dd too? Coz he's going to go nuts about it

I've returned fire in a subtle way. He may never even notice. But others will. Did you know that profile pics on fb are public? Goodness gracious me.

gotany if you're not leaving the country, is there any reason to tell him?

alice it sounds like they're made for each other..eurgh..so glad he's not your problem anymore. And oh, if I ever wished there was a 'like' option on people's MN posts, it was when I read your one about the profile pic being public .

CurtWild I happened to have an old pic of him in the stocks from a trip to a castle. The signs on the stocks say drunkard and village idiot. I put on the caption "Either will suffice. There wasn't one there for abusive, so I went with what was available."

Petty, I suppose. Truthful, however. Nobody can accuse me of lying. I feel slightly better. And seriously, it's peanuts compared to the stuff he's been doing over the last few years.

Go you. And yes, I'm sure it's nothing in comparison. Stbxh has lied and lied about me FB to the point where I just deactivated because I was having to block people left, right and centre, people who knew me..but he was so convincing he turned them all against me then said how could all those people be wrong about me. They're wrong about me, dearest stbxh, because your toxicity is infectious and they were your friends first.
I hear through the grapevine that now he's spending so much time with friends, his knobbish true colours are showing. Good.

Yes, I spent half my time pulling him back when he was drunk, obnoxious, ranting, embarrassing himself in public. So she'll now either take over those duties or he'll piss off even more people.

Hopefully the latter .
I keep getting random texts from stbxh that obviously aren't meant for me...again. I've been ignoring them for the last half hour. I just text 'STOP' and got the reply 'oops, sorry'..like he didn't know. Just rubbing it in..again..that he's out on a friday night and I'm in. Dude..I wouldn't swap places with you for THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD..FUCK OFF..that's what I want to send.

Alright. I loaded up the DCs this morning, brought a box of ex's stuff (including DSS's pictures that ex never bothered to pick up) and left them with MIL, as well as gave MIL her mother's day gift from the DCs. I rang her when we got there, and she came outside alone to get her gifts from the DCs and to give them kisses and hugs. So the DCs were happy as they could see her and cuddle her and give her the gifts. I told her to let me know when she wanted to see them when ex is no longer there, and that I'd be happy to bring them over to see her.

I then took the DCs to McD's for breakfast. So they happily tucked into pancakes, sausage and hashbrowns with orange juice. They were pretty impressed that McD's had all that for breakfast - they really haven't been there for breakfast since DS1 was a toddler, so they don't remember going before.

We've got a few things we're planning on doing today that the DCs are looking forward to, so we're all set. I'm feeling a bit better today - I hate that I can be moving along quite nicely and ex can effectively land a bomb right in the middle of everything without any consideration for the fallout. Nasty vile person. I need to stop being surprised at the depths he will sink to.

Glad you got to see your mil alice and that your DC could get their kisses and cuddles.
The sun's out here so it's into town for chicken nugget happy meals followed by a trip to the duck park.
Have a nice day all

Anyone that is considering counselling, I will point out that IMO it's a good thing. Personal counselling, that is. NOT marriage/joint counselling. I have been going for the last few weeks to a counsellor and it's been helping immensely to get a chance to talk to someone in person, get out frustrations, discuss what specifically upsets me and why, and how to cope and find the positives in my situation.

I find myself looking forward to my session this week to get my head around everything that's going on and talk about how to get past it.

Having a dilemma with myself this morning! Fw text me yesterday to say I'm an evil piece of work because dd called him dps name and I've completely ignored him!!! I don't know if that's the best thing to do or not and I'm sure there will be consequences today.

No, I think you did the right thing by ignoring him. There IS no "correct response" in his book. He was trying to get you to respond so he could then pick a fight. Detach and ignore.

I know it is so hard sometimes to ignore the stuff they go on about. I've given in a couple times with STBXH and every. single. time. I've regretted it. Ignore ignore.

AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH..Got a call early this morning saying could stbxh visit for a couple of hours this aft. Nothing planned so I agreed, and I didn't mention to to DC as I thought it would be a nice surprise.
He text at 1pm to say he'd be here shortly. Turned up at just after 4. He literally walked through the door to squeals of delight from all 3 DC and I went straight into the kitchen to make him a brew. He followed me in with DS on his hip and DD1+2 in hot pursuit. I'd never seen the twins so chuffed to see him. I put a spoon of coffee in his cup and said these exact words in a very jovial tone 'blimey I thought you'd gone via scunthorpe' and laughed. It was obvious I was only kidding. I could've said I thought you'd be here at one. I could have said where the hell have you been. I didn't, I made a lighthearted attempt at humour.
He dumped DS on the floor, turned round and walked out saying 'I don't come here to be interrogated by you.' WTAF?!?!? I made a bloody normal, common all garden and quite frankly harmless joke. He was out the front door in a flash with three distraught small people trundling after him. BASTARD. What kind of person can do that and sleep at night?!?

I am absolutely livid with him. I spent an entire hour trying to distract DC, after he'd gone, DD1 was beside herself and kept telling me it's too cold for daddy to be outside and I should make him come in and have a coffee. I ended up making a living room picnic and an early bath and DD1 has only just managed to crack a smile.
I texted him a few choice words, (I know, I know,) nothing abusuve just how his behaviour today was deplorable and DC deserve him to step up and be a parent not use them as tools to control. He's phoned me countless times but I can't bear to speak to him. I

STBXH does this. He can treat us like shit the whole time he's here - one whisper of censure or a tone he doesn't like and he's off, offended, shouting and leaving. Has done it less than 5 minutes after arriving as well. Just charming, isn't it? It's such an obvious power play - "see what you've made me do? you've made me upset the DCs. this is your fault."

I suspect he thinks he's denying us the pleasure of his company when he does this. But yes, it's a common occurrence here.

Oh Curt FW's are unbelievably callous and delight in the art of punishment. I think it was after it was all over that I saw even worse behaviour that I don't think I spotted before...FW's use DC to punish you. Its what they do. They are very good at it, the DC or their pain don't matter only that you don't dare to challenge his movements in any way whatsoever. he will continue to do so and then upset the DC to get back at you. This is all FWs fault of course.