Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

(1000 Posts)
CharlotteCollins Sat 05-Apr-14 22:59:38

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

honey86 Sat 05-Apr-14 23:09:56

Just marking my place i posted on the last thread x

CharlotteCollins Sat 05-Apr-14 23:10:05

Oh poo. Sorry, honey, had nearly filled up thread when you posted. Hope you've all found the link and found your way over here and sorry for any shocks at suddenly-full thread!

CaptainAmericaMmmYesPlease Sat 05-Apr-14 23:14:03

Not a good night. Serves me right but hey ho. Onward.

CurtWild Sat 05-Apr-14 23:17:08

Thanks for the cake and brew charlotte..Need to keep reminding myself he's my stbxh for a reason.

honey86 Sun 06-Apr-14 05:26:24

Same here. Fw is being so cold atm n hot on the blaming thing. He caused most of everything bad that happened between us but somehow its still all my fault. Fml its exhausting sad

CurtWild Sun 06-Apr-14 09:21:59

More than anything I can't believe I let him do it again! We drop contact to a minimum and I feel better, stronger, capable of just getting on with life. Then for whatever reason he ups the contact bit by bit and starts acting like the nice version of himself, and before I know it we're chatting every day.
He is very, very good at this kind of thing, getting under my skin, turning on the charm. Then boom, suddenly I'm on the recieving end of blame and verbal abuse out of nowhere. I can't keep playing this game, I start getting my confidence and self esteem back, then I'm flat on the floor again.
I'm beginning to sound like a broken record and I hate it. Time to rebuild my walls and keep them intact.

honey86 Sun 06-Apr-14 10:23:57

I know its hard i think its a mix of detaching, staying detached and keeping mindful that its an act. My sister went through all this with her ex-fw who she had 3 kids with. He used to have her in pieces in her solicitors office. Eventually she managed to get to a point where he could no longer get to her n she would laugh about his fw ways. And shes not a very emotionally strong person normally. shes now remarried. It makes me hopeful that perhaps ill reach such a place. just waiting for something to kindof click in my head x

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 06-Apr-14 11:39:35

Whoops! New thread. Just noticed, silly me.

I'm trying to stay detached. I sometimes wonder how he is comfortable just dumping the DCs basically, but then he was so often horrible to them that I suppose for him it's a relief. I have days when I wonder how I could have been so wrong about him - he's finally showing openly what he's really like to family and friends (not to the OW and her family, of course). I think he has well and truly burned his bridges.

yorkie84 Sun 06-Apr-14 13:14:16

Hi again. honey my dh does the Facebook crap too. I was away with my mum within months of my sisters death. He was pissed off that my other siblings rang as we were overseas. He joked (very funny) about my siblings having one brain cell between us all.
Alsoo posted the round robin thing about repost if you are know, live with, married to, divorced from a fu**ing idiot a day after not just allowing mil to slag me off but agreeing with her.

CurtWild Sun 06-Apr-14 13:41:55

I need to start distancing myself again. Detatching and staying that way because right now I'm beginning to feel like I did when we were together. Constantly explaining myself, defending myself, hell, I even found myself apologising for my opinion and disagreeing him last night. That put me right back to where I was a few months ago. I feel like as far as he's concerned, our marriage is on going, just that we're living separately. Which is why he keeps questioning me over what I've been doing, who's visited the house etc..and why he's still getting angry and abusive when I don't 'toe the line'.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 06-Apr-14 17:52:58

Next time that STBXH texts, I'm going to tell him that I want his current email address. He's obviously not using his previous one that he was having all the porn sent to, as I've locked it up. hmm But I would prefer email contact rather than text. He doesn't live in the area, so there's no reason for contact to be by text for urgency at all. One more way for me to detach a bit.

ontheparapet Sun 06-Apr-14 18:13:34

Me again. I posted on here a few times just over a year ago. H being controlling, EA - and very aggressive if I tried to kick against this. I found some coping strategies. Now think I am working towards a split when youngest DC finishes full time education. Don't want to say too much more right now - he is out but will be back soon.

At the moment I think he doesn't want me to be happy. I bought some new clothes I liked; these made me happy (in a small way). Wanting sex, he stretched my T-shirt while I was wearing it, when I complained, he tore it. Secondly I have arranged to go away for a weekend (which would make me happy), yesterday he said he wasn't coming. This sprung from a disagreement when we went out somewhere he wanted to go to, because I wanted to take a big bag. When I wouldn't leave it in the car, he said we were going home. This would have been all very well, but resulted in him shouting and me trying not to rise to it, and instead be calm... Which winds him up. No win.

Anyway, I will visit when I can, try to provide some support, and hope to get some too.

Meanwhile, try to get a better job, try to save some money (both difficult) and hang in there.

Oh dear.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 06-Apr-14 18:40:22

When does your youngest finish full time education, parapet? His behaviour, especially the shirt incident, is rather alarming.

ontheparapet Sun 06-Apr-14 21:30:51

Another year after this one.

This is such a mess.

And everyone else thinks he's wonderful.

summerdreams Sun 06-Apr-14 21:45:46

i think this is possibly what i am looking for im 4 months pregnant nut job partner has been missing for 24 hours again just as i agreed to give us another chance hmm

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 06-Apr-14 22:06:03

parapet mine had everyone well fooled as well. And he's done his best to continue that "surface act" after I kicked him out. The stress of living with his behaviour was unbelievable, including guarding the DCs as he was abusive. Do you really need to wait until education is finished? That's about 16 months or so? That's a very long time. And he sounds like he is dangerously aggressive.

summer welcome. He just disappeared?? confused

Paddlingduck Sun 06-Apr-14 23:02:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 06-Apr-14 23:16:58

Paddlingduck No, this isn't normal. It's verbally abusive and very aggressive. You are not over-sensitive. It's good that you are no longer with him, so that you're not dealing with that behaviour constantly - it can be so stressful!

Everyone is NOT like him. Unfortunately some are... but they are not "normal" either. hmm

honey86 Mon 07-Apr-14 10:50:50

No duck, definately not normal! But now youve recognised it, start logging his behaviour down in a pad n hide it. That will one day be your back up in case god forbid you become that door. Sorry if that sounds harsh i dont wana put the shitters up you, but thats how my stepdad started when i was a kid and eventually my mum was his punchbag. And writingit down serves as a reminder when you arent sure. Its not ok to just disappear either, especially if theres a pregnancy or children involved.
It definately hurts to see people praising them. But they only have his sob stories and good side. They dont see what you see.

On the subject of FWs, ive got contact in an hr. I hope he doesnt think everythings ok after his week of insults, its not.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 07-Apr-14 11:12:16

Best of luck on the contact honey.

honey86 Mon 07-Apr-14 14:53:47

Cheers im there wiv my mum. Hes sitting there sulking smile x

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 07-Apr-14 14:55:56

Interesting. I've been told that STBXH, who pleaded poverty and said he only had enough money for bus fare back to his home when he was in the area last week, actually went out drinking one evening with a mate. So I guess that clarifies even further where on the priority list his DCs are to him... well below booze, obviously. Twat.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 07-Apr-14 14:56:49

He said he didn't have enough money to come to my town (max of a fiver for bus or train fare) to visit the DCs.

honey86 Mon 07-Apr-14 15:07:54

Urrgghh what a douche. Typical fw putting themselves first. Fw doesnt pay maintenance for his dd. he doesnt get to see her, so why should he give her money? Is what his excuse is.

This thread is not accepting new messages.