Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh god, I've just embarrassed myself in village shop will be all round village by tomorrow. Feel like I'm about to throw a wobbly, my ptsd symptoms are back.

daisee hope you are ok. what is you FWs position on the rs? Has he given up or is still thinking you are together? The ways I know if to get them out are-.convince them it is their idea i.e. when they are calling you for all sorts agree and say they would be better off without you etc. give them enough rope that they talk themselves out the door. 2) appeal.to their better nature. on a good day but you have to be quick before they change their mind 3)force them out legally or 4) there us something up the top about getting a narc to leave you by making yourself totally passive and uninteresting.

Only option 2 is really palatable. 1 worked for me but this is my house.

sparkly ah you have met Bernard's friends Will and May. they do get about with their firs.

Hi Mink, me and the FW are still officially together. I think the sensible thing is for me to plan an escape somewhere else. Mil very cleverly put his and her names on deeds. At time I couldn't really see an issue. Fair to say he gets most FW traits from her.

Who are Will and May

like idea number 1

your MIL has her name on the title deeds of your house?? Have you contributed to the mortgage? Can you speak to a solicitor?

daisee if you can afford it I think you moving out is the easiest option. Depends how much you want/love the house. For me I actually preferred to be the one to go as it was a new fresh start. And then the action is all down to you.

I know who Bernard is - he takes over Minks posts and frequnetly changes words to funny or sometimes inappropriate posts. But no idea at all about Will and May!

mink I planned an escape but still didnt feel like the bunting. And dont talk about what you did as it was nothing - it really was still a big and bold thing, even if it was a spur of the moment decision. I still felt like I destroyed a family and my FWs happiness and hence was a sad moment rather than a joyful one. to you

And are you married daisee that makes a difference as to whether you would lose out if you left. HOw come MIL is on the deeds? Did she help to buy it?

Yes Bounty to feeling like I destroyed my family to get away from FW. I know he tells the DC that. It makes me sad and guilty. But now time has passed and the DC see us both happier I think they quite possibly realize there were two sides to it. But it isn't a cause for celebration. Quiet here too.

Bernard likes to capitalise some words: he might say "they May be FW's, but we Will get to where we want" (hope it's OK to speak on your behalf, Bernard)

It is fine sparkly seeing as he so often gaslights interjects in mine yes that is who Will and May are. Bernard's imaginary fiends (sic). I must stop posting the word twunt though. Bernard nearly sneaked it into a work email once. his latest trick is random full stops.

I don't think I destroyed a family, the family set up we had would have destroyed me. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, it was destructive then and it was destructive as an adult. I didn't want that for dc and I did not want it for me. I honestly do not believe XH was happy either, not really. The need to control does not come from a place of happiness, the rows and the tantrums do not either.

And to be honest, it may not be appropriate to crack open the champagne, but nor are sackcloth and ashes necessary. It is hard to leave, it is hard to get yourself back, it is hard to know that the happy families, in the traditional sense, train has passed, but having enough of yourself left to walk out the proverbial door, enough of yourself left to say no more, enough to fight through all the crap that follows, I personally will raise a glass to getting to the other side of all that, even though doubtless there is more crap to come. .

Xpost, lol at twunt in a work email

He also changed an email to say mink is off dick
sicktoday. I thought about sending it as is but thought I better change it.

Option 5 - (if he is a socially pumped twunty FW that has a socially acceptable face to keep up) - In the right moment say its over and don't engage in further convo - then tell the world the right people that he is moving out. He will then be seen by the key people as creating problems by forcing his will on you staying there (which he was doing before anyway, only now this is socially acceptable to say its over and he's finding somewhere else to stay).

Happiness comes in many many forms and guises, mum+dad+2.5 DC is not the 'formula' i've found

thanks chaps. when we moved we had to sell up and that was a house we bought together. we then couldn't get a mortgage so mil offered to buy a house, it was all controlling, and would put only his n her names on it. I know, but I have put a lot into the house. maybe that might help. I am just exhausted by his fuckwitwuntery. thank the lord he's at work xx

like the way you're thinking fairy

what makes me happy? relaxing in front of a warm crackling fire with a thai curry and a glass of wine surrounded by animals and DC, after busy day out in the cold, walking, catching up with friends and achieving the things all the rushing around required mmmmm...

sorry I should have mentioned these are so-called friends not having any real ones of course

I sometimes think of myself as 'bounty' and dd as 'dd' in real life. It's odd.

I am Fi too in RL but i love including ddog/dcat as rl too

I don't think of myself as mink but do says dcs by mistake. and FW is definitely called FW.

Bernard is also called Bernard in rl.

yes I always find it very hard not to refer to FW as such. I cannot call him his name anymore [PTSD] (thats not his name btw!)

CloudDancer Perfect.
What you wrote is my thoughts exactly.
Only addition on my part would be that I did not destroy the family - he did. I worked day and night to make that unit function and at every opportunity he had he would take massive dump all over it therefor making me have to clean his dump up whilst working even harder to protect my children from his mess.
I am too sad to say goodbye to the traditional family unit but not so desperate it to be maintained that I would be prepared to lose my mind.
When I reach my house on Tuesday there will be so much dancing and singing from me. I also have a bottle of prosecco and I am going to pop that cork.
In so many ways I am lucky that 1. my DC's are young (3+2) so their memory of this time will be limited and my son seems so much happier. and 2. that FW is a good dad to them. Will it continue? Who knows but at least now I can do what I can do and I get to be myself doing it.
I am already planning a party at the end of the month. And there will be LOTS of

tweedle I am glad you will be celebrating and will raise a glass to you. I am glad aso that tgeur day has finally come around. it has been a long wait for you.

It is true, I realised in the end it was him or me because I was losing my idea of who I was if I let him treat me that way. and also the dcs should not see that. they are sad though and often ask if he will come home. but it is the idea of having a dad in their him they miss i think. the norm they see in other families. and of course there were good times he could be fun when he felt like it and they.miss story time etc. but it is his choice not to share that time with them as he will not have them overnight.