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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

JacqueslePeacock · 12/08/2013 22:25

I would be very suspicious too. I think he is having an affair. I'm sorry.

Hissy · 12/08/2013 22:46

I think there's nowt wrong with your maths skills sadly.

What do YOU want to do?

Please look into your finance situation and make sure you're not at risk?

JacqueslePeacock · 12/08/2013 23:03

Have you ever had suspicions in the past, or has he ever cheated before? This sounds very dodgy indeed. Please do as Hissy says and make sure you are financially protected.

tippexqueen · 12/08/2013 23:11

looks suspicious to me too. your spidey senses don't go off for nothing... I think you know the truth too deep down hence the post. sorry

how do you know he's staying at a 'male' friends house?

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 23:13

No -
No suspicions in the past been together 13 years and married for 9.

I don't have any concrete proof though just a niggling doubt.

Finances wise - separate accounts and savings. Although I only work part time - he's the main wage earner.

OP posts:

ChippingInHopHopHop · 12/08/2013 23:15

I'm possibly not the best person to ask. I don't give an inch these days. But, I'd say, there's probably nothing wrong with your maths at all - sorry :( However, you know your DH, you know the people he works with...

How far away is he working? Would you stay over if you had to do that commute?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 12/08/2013 23:18

Oh and if it does turn out to be an affair, do not blame yourself or your (very normal) limited sex life. Partners cheat whether they are 'getting it' at home or not and even if they aren't 'getting it' at home or are in anyway unhappy the mature and adult thing to do is talk about the problem, not screw whoever is offering - so no matter which way you look at it, if he is cheating it is HIM that has caused this, HIM that is in the wrong, no matter what.

Yogagirl17 · 12/08/2013 23:21

Oh god, I'm sorry but that sounds very bad. The "I love you" text followed by passcode on his phone. Doesn't matter if he's not the 'type' or if he's never done it before - you learn the hard way that ANYONE can cheat. And when they do, they will then tell every lie in the book to protect themselves. You're not reading between the lines...you're getting a glimpse of the truth.

The other thing you learn the hard way is that that niggling doubt will begin to eat away at you and in the end it is far, far worse then actually knowing the truth.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 23:23

exactly how far is this "commute" ?

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 23:27

I don't know his work colleagues - haven't been to a works do for a couple of years now and he moves around a lot to different teams.

Male colleague offered him a place to stay.

It's quite a long way - that's par for the course in his job.
Don't blame him for not wanting to commute with the lack of sleep - but if it isn't "an affair" I think I need to be mighty pissed off about this anyway. He knows how hard it is with long nights ( and days) with 2 toddlers.
When I tried to talk to him about how difficult I was finding it he got really cross with me - so unlike him -that I just left it.

I'm not painting a good picture here am I?
Writing his down has made me realize that I'm not happy and we can't go on leading this life whether or not there is anyone else.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 12/08/2013 23:30

If it was me and I'd seen that my first thoughts would be he's having an affair - sorry but why put a code on the phone if its innocent and if its just to protect it from pranks at work, surely you can know it?

cozietoesie · 12/08/2013 23:31

....Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him........

That's where they always make the mistake when they're lying, Imonly. They can't resist elaborating - saying just that bit too much.

I'm sorry.

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 23:33

it's not looking good

and you still havent said how far the commute actually is

when our dc were small, H often worked a long way from home, but moved heaven and high water to get home to help with household stuff and see his dc's, if only to kiss them good night as they slept

AuntieStella · 12/08/2013 23:33

I doubt people do "make mistakes like that". The mistake being keeping such a message.

Yes, people send texts to the wrong stored number. Why has she got his number? Why didn't he send back immediately 'I don't think this was for me' and delete?

I'd remind him to give you a landline number, and not be fobbed off with 'later' - even if he thinks his mobile reception is good, it is totally reasonable that you want a 'belt and braces' arrangement and there is no earthly reason to withhold the number if he is being open.

Perhaps too pointed to ask for phone pass code out of the blue, but if it comes up again, you could point out there's no reason why you should not have it if the only place he needs it protected is at work. See how he reacts.

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 23:44

I feel so stupid to admit that I didn't know how far - 1 hour 15 mins in good traffic.

I accept that 21/2 hours travelling to and fro is time that could be better spent in the office, but the time he wants to spend away is increasing - went from the odd night to once every week, to twice a week.....
The more I type the more stupidity feel .....

OP posts:

AnyOldFucker · 12/08/2013 23:45

an hour 15 mins to miss out kissing his kids good night ?

come on, love

with young kids, that commute is nothing

there is something very amiss here

TurnipCake · 12/08/2013 23:49

I think you need to trust your gut on this one, it doesn't seem to add up and I would also be suspicious, I'm sorry.

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 00:03

I am feeling very lost now - don't know where to go from here.

Do know that I need to man up and tell him that this cant go on - worried about his reaction though.

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AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:04

How do you think he might react ?

if you have raised it before and he has dismissed you, yes you will be worried. What does that tell you ?

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 00:06

Just reread that and it doesn't make sense
I mean we need to talk generally about him "having" to stay away for up to 3 nights a week and me being too worried about his reaction to say no. (Last time he completely overreacted and said that he's have to leave his job).

OP posts:

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:08

he said he would have to leave his job if he came home to his family of an evening ?

That is bollocks

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 00:10

Well he tells me that he is under pressure at work - which is the reason for needing to be at the office at the crack of dawn and leaving late and therefore staying away.
If he is genuinely feeling stressed then I can see he will react in the same way -
Not exactly dismissing me but planting a seed of doubt that of he didn't do all that he is doing now he would be easily replaced, but couldn't necessarily get replacement work elsewhere.

OP posts:

timeforanothernewname · 13/08/2013 00:11

:( I'm sorry. It sounds like you already know.

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:11

I don't believe him

mcmooncup · 13/08/2013 00:15

oh dear

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