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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Heebiejeebie · 13/08/2013 20:14

Your relationship is being poisoned. Either because he is having an affair or because he is only in it part time. Burying your sorrow and fears won't save it. Whichever the truth, and the affair is the much more likely explanation you should carefully consider asking him to commute because he is missing out.. And carefully consider his response

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 20:46

You sound like you are being treated like an absolute doormat. I am very sorry.

Is this what you envisaged for your future ?

Well, it is here and you are tolerating it.

Only you can change this, love.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 21:01

Been doing bedtime - spoke to him again when he phoned to say goodnight to the DC.
I reiterated that after the holiday we can't go back to this and he said again that yes something had to change and maybe 1 night could be enough.
Couldn't really expand on it as had DC there - the message isn't really getting through though.
Maybe face to face will be better.

I do feel so ridiculous for having allowed this situation to develop - whatever the reason for it.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 13/08/2013 21:10

Try not to be hard on yourself, it often starts a little things - which individually would sound petty if you were to raise them as issues, but they add up.

I think with everything laid out though, the most simple explanation is the truth

onefewernow · 13/08/2013 21:28

You are not ridiculous .

I believed nonsense of this sort for five years, even though I remained suspicious. After that, you REALLY feel ridiculous.

You have had your head full of toddlers and tiredness. Now you have had a chance to reflect, you can see this isn't right at all.

Be careful when you talk to him not to back off, because he will try to make you. First nice, then not so nice when you insist.

Decide your boundaries before you start, then stick to them. Consider your next step if he refuses what you ask for. See the end before the beginning! ( he will, for himself).

PeppermintPasty · 13/08/2013 21:51

Bloody hell-YOU didn't allow this situation to develop-HE did. Remember that.
He's doing exactly what he wants and is taking the piss. I hope you can sort it out. Good luck, but try not to take any crap from him. He sounds to me like he thinks he can talk you into anything.

newforest · 13/08/2013 22:07

My partner has a two and a half hour cycle to work and then back again. He never stays away. We don't even have kids yet but he makes sure he's home every night.

I hope it is just a misunderstanding, but he isn't painting a good picture so far.

Lovingfreedom · 13/08/2013 22:15

Maybe one night would be enough? Wtf??? Would one kiss on the I love you messages be enough too. He would rather stay an hour down the road than get his cheating arse home and sort things out. He could leave now and still be home for a normal bed time. Seriously he is taking the piss out of you big time.

Yogagirl17 · 13/08/2013 22:15

I just want to second what onefewernow said. It's so easy to suppress your doubt because the alternative is fucking terrifying. Fear is a powerful force and we will do a lot to avoid facing that fear. As with many on here, I've been through it. Seemingly 'reasonable' excuses to have to spend nights out. Sudden protectiveness of his phone - and a passcode, which he'd never had before. And when I posted on MN and they all shouted 'HE'S CHEATING' I flat out refused to believe it. But he of course he was. OF COURSE HE WAS. And when i finally found out it was truly awful. But not worse than living with that fear. You come out the other side...but only if you face it. I'm sorry and good luck. xx

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 22:38

I called him again when DCs were (finally) asleep - told him an issue with one of them and he offered to come home.
I'm confused about that. Not sure if he'd do the same if I just asked him to come with no real reason.
I said no - I don't feel ready to see him - I think I also felt well I've done the hard bit now (of getting them ready for bed and off to sleep).

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 13/08/2013 22:48

What did he say though? Was it an 'I'm coming home' - and you had to put him off or was it a 'Do you want me to come home?' and you said 'No - that's all right'. I probably sound pettifogging on that - but sometimes, offers are made without genuine intent and then if accepted, the deed is brought up ever after. (I came home that time when the DCs had a problem, what more do you want?)

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 22:49

Does he expect you to be pacified by a token offer to "come home" ?

He is an hour away ffs (possibly less at this time of the evening), not on another continent !

onefewernow · 13/08/2013 22:59

You have. Just keep thinking.

Re my last post, it's possible that you won't relate to my backing off remarks. I wanted to tell you that later on in our relationship that didn't happen, as I got quite good at raising carefully and cagily anything I thought would make him cross eg through denial and silence on his part. I would know he would do that and approach things obliquely. So I censured myself, in response to his lack of openness.

Now the funny thing is, I'm quite chatty and quite assertive, and trained in assertiveness. So I didn't recognise this in myself till afterwards.

Relationships are funny things over time. I'm sure that's why so many otherwise capable women deny the obvious to themselves. All the reasons I have put in my posts.

Because it doesn't explain otherwise why so many of us behave like blind people when faced with the obvious. Most posters on here outlining likely infidelity go through this, I notice.

He should be able to come home, he doesn't need passwords, and those passwords are against you.

And that text was not from an old friend, at least not any sort I can imagine. The actual idea that he claims to have had two similar texts of this sort, and at night, is laughable. And men never text that to each other anyway, not that I believe he ever received the other text.

He is taking you for a fool.

littlemog · 13/08/2013 23:03

I am so sorry OP but I agree with everyone else on here. I thought the commute would be at least 3/4 hours and was shocked by how short it was. I drive 75 mins to and from work every day and so do millions of others. He has no need at all to stay away.

He is lying about something and I too would be getting info and evidence BEFORE I confronted him.

I am so sorry - you deserve better. Be strong and be clever.

Lovingfreedom · 13/08/2013 23:13

What more evidence do you need when he is getting texts saying 'I love you xxxx'. Surely now the burden of proof is on him. Saying the texts are from a friend is a complete nonsense. It's not even a good lie.

carlywurly · 13/08/2013 23:18

Oh god, all of this sounds horribly familiar. I ignored plenty of blaring signs but it eventually transpired there was a female colleague involved.

We had a holiday and xh did all of the things listed by the wise poster up thread..

Be on your alert, take copies of any financial documents you can find and think about legal advice. You will be ok. ( I am!)

YellowTulips · 13/08/2013 23:28

Read your thread. His commute is NOTHING. Hundreds of thousands of people in the UK do that every day.

In your place I would call him and tell him to come home as you need to talk and then have it out with him.

You don't need evidence. You need balls to stand up to his shitty/selfish behaviour. Affair? Sorry I think yes, but even if that's not the case then he is behaving badly - I say this as someone who has to travel for work regularly and today have had a 7 hour round trip but I still get to sleep with DH and kiss my (sleeping) kids and it was more than worth the hotel room alternative.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 23:54

Yes- he offered I said no.
Just been doing a bit of snooping he's so organised though - he'll know what's been moved where.

Found a letter that he told me he "didn't remember" what it said - I've read it and am now wondering what he was planning on doing with the huge bonus he's being paid that he couldn't remember about. Confused

This honestly feels like a nightmare

OP posts:
DelayedActionMouseMaker · 13/08/2013 23:59

i'mOnly. Sorry if you have already said, but do you have joint bank accounts? Do you have any emergency money of your own? Do you have access to any decent amount of cash?
I don't want to be alarmist here, but the situation you describe is very, very similar to a dear friend of mine who was told by her DH whilst on holiday that when they got home he was leaving her and moving in with the OW, who had the keys to HER house, and was moving HIS stuff out whilst they were abroad.
If he's withholding a huge bonus from your joint plans then its for a reason, perhaps not one as extreme as that I have just described, but something. Get as much money behind you as you can, get snooping, and get some legal advice on what happens if he leaves or you throw him out.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 00:02

He offered and you said no. That was him laying responsibility on you.

I'm so sorry, but he has checked out in my view.

He couldn't remember a massive bonus? That just doesn't happen.

onefewernow · 14/08/2013 00:05

I agree.

He is not to be trusted, at all.

He can't be trusted to out his family before himself, or with regard to money, sex or honesty.

I would start to gather up anything useful financially and otherwise, eg passports.

You are going to find this is the tip of the iceberg. You don't know him, actually. Trust me on that, I know.

onefewernow · 14/08/2013 00:06

Put, not out

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 00:17

Sorry - had to go off for a minute.

Think about the bonus. Apart from the fact that it's a big feather in his cap, which he would - I would have thought - wish to share with you, it's something that I would also have thought he would want to wave around with a 'There you go darling, all this has been worthwhile - now we can do .............'

But yet he professes to have forgotten about it?

That just doesn't work.

I would prepare yourself as other posters have suggested.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 00:21

He said to me today that I didn't need him anymore (after I'd told him the long list of stuff I'd done)
He's said that a few times recently - maybe it's like he's preparing me?

OP posts:
marthastew · 14/08/2013 00:26

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

Others will know more about this but maybe you should use the opportunity of him being away to make copies of some important documents - like the bonus letter. Just in case.