Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 00:17

Oh god - he's being a total wanker isn't he? Either way - for the job or for someone else?
Why have I been such a pushover? I like to think of myself as a strong person but I've been so weak not putting my foot down over this.
Feel very sad that he'd rather be elsewhere Hmm

OP posts:
DelayedActionMouseMaker · 13/08/2013 00:18

If he's not cheating then that's a massive stack of coincidences piling up. So sorry.

AnyOldFucker · 13/08/2013 00:19

he is checking out of family life for some reason

detaching is a poor sign of outcome, sorry

timeforanothernewname · 13/08/2013 00:20

Don't beat yourself up. You sound like you've had a lot on, and not much support to manage it all. Too busy getting by to think much about whether DH had turned into a prick?

Boosiehs · 13/08/2013 00:21

Oh lord, 1.15 is NOT a long commute. Certainly not one that warrants staying away from home and kids.

I'm so sorry but it doesn't look good.

You might need this Wine

RonaldMcDonald · 13/08/2013 00:22

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck

sometimes we'd rather it wasn't but it is still is a duck

I hope you're okay op

Darkesteyes · 13/08/2013 00:34

Hope yr ok OP i second AF I dont believe him either. I have friends who do 2 hour commutes Hes talking bullshit.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 00:45

It's just hard to realise I've been allowing him to do this.
Just been to check on the DCs and come to bed alone and it's making me wonder what it is that he wants to get away from.

OP posts:
veryconfusedatthemoment · 13/08/2013 00:52

Oh dear, my ex started staying overnight and the excuse was due to work. I believed for many months, until things no longer added up. I then snooped before confronting him. That is now my advice to everyone - snoop everything - web usage, email, finances, phones, briefcases, hiding places. This is not for use in court or other, but for you. 2 years on every time ex pulls another stunt I just remember what I found (and what he doesn't know I found). This includes explicit texts to OW, porn DVD, subscriptions to porn sites. Sorry OP :(

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 00:55

Thanks everyone for listening to my woes and ramblings. Must try and sleep now as I will probably be up once or twice in the night.

OP posts:
pausingforbreath · 13/08/2013 01:30

Imonlydreaming
Sorry. Your thoughts coming together sounds crap.

My Dh commute is at least 1hr 20 a day each way on a ' good traffic day' - usually it's a lot more. The poor git has been doing it for about 10 years now.

But , a while back now he started leaving earlier than normal and getting home later because work was going mad , it all got really stressy and busy at work . In his position with his responsibilities it was all true .

But it was also true that he was having an affair with his PA -so a lot of the extra meetings, early starts , late finishes were I guess 'engineered'.

I was stupidly ignorant, assuming it was all about his work pressures. All to realise a lot of his work stress ; was to do with keeping his affair from me.

I found out not by confronting him - but by him coming home and revealing the whole thing.

That being said - we have children , he did that commute daily and came home every night. Aside from the many trips he is obligated to do around Europe - part of his job.

Again , sorry your situation foes sound crap , affair or no affair.
Look after yourself foremost.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 13/08/2013 01:39

When I tried to talk to him about how difficult I was finding it he got really cross with me - so unlike him -that I just left it

Exactly what he wanted you to do.

Yes, it's feasible in this economic climate that he is stressed and is needing the put the long hours in and possibly not doing the commute every day would make that easier - but it's something you should be discussing as a couple and making decisions about... his comment above is pushing this over the line into 'almost certainly has other reasons to be staying over' :(

Pausingforbreath - :( sorry to hear it. How are you doing now? Are you working through it together or did you tell him to sling his hook?

AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 13/08/2013 07:54

Hope you're ok this morning OP.

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 08:16

Pausing and confused - sorry to hear your stories.
I'm a bit all over the place tbh. Supposed to be trying to pack for our holiday!

OP posts:
Mixxy · 13/08/2013 08:20

What do you want to happen on the holiday, OP?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 13/08/2013 08:34

You're going on holiday? A good chance to try to get hold of his phone. You need to watch him to try to get the passcode. Can you get into his email account?
I'm very sorry to say that it's almost definitely an affair :(

Original poster
Imonlydreaming · 13/08/2013 09:03

I'm torn between taking the opportunity when we're relaxed to talk about the work situation and potentially stirring things up when we're "stuck" together.
There's not much of a signal where we're staying so will see how that pans out.

OP posts:
AlpacaLunchYoubringyourbooster · 13/08/2013 09:06

Is it an iphone? There are ways of accessing his messages as long as you know his apple id?

Mixxy · 13/08/2013 09:12

Well don't do anything without proof. He'll just delete. Not getting much of a signal would work to your advantage. If you different model phones, make out that yours won't work and ask to borrow his to ring your Mum, or whatever. Casual as you like, ask for the code or ask hI'm to do it while you watch. Then, bingo.

God, doesn't sound like much of a holiday for you.

cozietoesie · 13/08/2013 09:14

Well you need to talk about the work situation anyway, don't you?

Oh - and if the signal is lousy, wait and see if he suddenly starts volunteering to go to the local shops to pick up groceries by himself etc.

cakeordeath1963 · 13/08/2013 09:43

Re the phones, when you are away tell him you have to nip to the town to get something and have forgot to charge your phone - ask to borrow his..........if he sweats buckets something is definately up!

cakeordeath1963 · 13/08/2013 09:49

Things to look for:

Has he organised a special international calling plan on his mobile while he's away

  1. Does he seem stressed and hassled, especially after taking certain calls back to the UK
  1. Is he offering to run errands for you while away, such as popping to the local supermarket to pick up supplies? Or running out to fill the rental car with petrol all the time? If this is out of character this could be time alone to call his other woman back at home
  2. Is he protective about his phone? Why?
  3. Does he take his phone into the bathroom with him at all times
  4. Is he clearing all of his last calls in his phone log
  5. Is he feigning an upset stomach or sunburn just to have chance to lie down in the room while you go and 'enjoy yourself.'
  1. Does he like to suddenly go for an early morning run along the beach...alone
  2. Does he get ready way before you for dinner, suggesting he meets you down in the hotel bar, to get from under your feet while getting ready. (i.e. more time alone for calls!)
10. Does he need to slip away from breakfast, lunch, dinner, the pool etc, to take or make calls (calls to the office no doubt he will tell you. ..

Things to do if you are suspicious:

  1. Plan family days away from the hotel complex or apartment. Time to all spend together. See if he squirms and keeps looking at his phone
  2. If he says he has to keep stepping out to check emails or call the office, suggest he 'switches off' as he is on holiday after all. Take his phone off him to help him relax. If he is a CMM that will drive him over the edge
  3. Alternatively, if he is making lots of calls back to the office, check his phone log now and again. If he has nothing to hide then you won't have any surprises to find.
  1. If the office calls him and he has to 'step out to take the call' urge him to take it in front of you, or ask if you can say hello to his Boss. If the CMM is forced to talk to his mistress in front of his wife, trust me, you'll see the signs!
  2. Do as many activities as you can together, as a family. Don't settle for his alone time excuses, as you came away to be on holiday as a family. He must therefore adhere to that
  3. Tell him you need to borrow his phone one day while you pop to the shops, as your battery is dead. If he is a CMM, watch as the horror unfolds on his face.
..
Ahhhcrap · 13/08/2013 09:50

I don't think your maths skills are wrong Hmm

My DH did exactly the same with the pass code on his phone when he was having an affair Confused

I commute 1hr 15mins to work and it's not difficult. I'd rather do that and be home with my family than stay overnight in a hotel/friends.

Hope it works out OP

Bring the subject up, push him on it and don't feel guilty, your role in the family is as important as his!

georgedawes · 13/08/2013 09:57

It sounds so suspicious, sorry. My dh has that commute twice a day, he had the chance to stay over but never does because he wants to be home. The phone thing sounds like classic cheater's behaviour

Facepalmninja · 13/08/2013 10:08

I would expect him to hand over his phone, pass code off and spend a while going through it with fine tooth-comb, reading texts, Skype, emails etc etc in front of him. I would expect him to be silent and give me space to ask questions as I read. If he would not do this then in my mind he can leave right away. I don't care how I would come across, if he is clean then serious chats about his work would need to happen, if not then goodbye. Life is way to short, I tend to cut to the chase as it were.