Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

[Imonlydreaming]

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

Excellent advice Facepalm

He doesn't need to have his phone locked whilst you are away though does he? His excuse about it being because of the people in his office isn't relevant.

Do as another poster suggested and let your phone deliberately run out of charge then ask to borrow his as you need to pop out. If he starts to fob you off with excuses like needing to be on standby for work, point out that he is not in the office now and anyone calling out of hours would not consider it unreasonable for his wife to answer.

If he continues to protest, tell him that he is making you feel that he has a reason to not want to give you the phone and could he please now hand it over, if only to put your mind at rest.

If he STILL refuses, by orchestrating a row about your lack of trust (and all my money says he will), you will have your answer.

And don't it till you are away, do this tonight. Is he due home tonight.

And repeat your request for a landline contact number. And don't be fobbed off.

And an hour and a quarter is nothing. I thought you were going to say four hours or something. He is CHOOSING to sleep in another house away from his family.

I'm so so sorry OP, I often read posts where I think people are reading something into nothing. But not this time. Please dont live in confusion and doubt, You deserve certainty one way or the other so put yourself and your needs first.

What Facepalm said. Why mess around? Ask him what you need to know. If he won't tell you, I think you know anyway.

chipping - . Still together, but that took a lot of thinking about to decide . I think possibly its easier to split than to deal with all the crap.
A heck of a lot of work ( mostly on his part) and a good number of conditions decided upon by both of us.
I've accepted something I never would of considered accepting. That has shocked me ; more so I think him.
I have been an avid lurker on MN relationships ( was never brave enough to post 'my story' , scared OW would see it ).
The wonderful advice I have read ( over years ) has helped me hugely.

imonlydreaming being over the place is standard I'm afraid. Just try and keep your head straight enough to decide whats best for you.

If at the very least the overnighters don't work for you and the kids tell him.
Tell him it's both your marriage and you feel he made decisions on his own about it - which is not acceptable.
I hope you don't find out for definite what 2+2 make - but if you do , remember the blame only lies with him. Blame apportioned to you is horse shit.

I don't think I could go on holiday with all that doubt. I imagine whilst you are away will be very strained. Speak with him before you go. If he becomes an arse then holiday without him.

Well I won't know anything until I try and talk to him - however hard that may be.
Just need all my strength to face whatever consequences there are and really hoping for it to all be a huge misunderstanding.

Have you tried actually ringing him in the office at "the crack of dawn" or late at night?

One hour 15 minutes in good trafffic is a bog-standard city centre to suburbia commute done by thousands if not millions every day.

You said earlier that writing this down had made you realise that you are not happy. Don't let him ignore that or make out that this is not enough. If ONE of you is not happy that is enough that things need to be changed/improved

No - we've always just texted as I'm
busy getting the DCs to bed, ironing,
doing housework etc
And he doesn't want to disturb us in the morning incase we've had a bad night.
I will try ringing him tonight once the DCs are asleep. Although if I don't get through he could just say "no signal".

Sorry, dreaming, it doesn't look good at all to me either. Please don't let him take you for a fool.

Was he away last night and is due to be away again tonight?

Could you get someone to watch your DC and make the trip over there. Take a bottle of wine with the pretence you were missing him and wanted to see him. Then see what his reaction is and take it from there? I feel for you. Ive been there in a previous relationship.

I think that's a great idea Flora

If he's been lying that brazenly up until now, confronting him will NOT suddenly make him reveal the truth, it will only give him a heads up that he needs to hide his tracks a lot better, and then you'll be stuffed. You confront, he denies everything, then what?

You're better off keeping your thoughts to yourself until you have a clearer picture of what's going on. You're in a position of strength now which you will lose as soon as he knows you suspect something.

My DH's commute is an hour 15 minutes each way. I would laugh if he told me he was staying away. Sounds bonkers.

You need to turn up where he's staying unannounced.

Not back till end of the week now. Don't have anyone to watch DCs at short notice.
Spoke to him earlier and asked if he was still away till end of week. He said yes. Told him I can see that he might need to do extra hours now before a holiday, but that it can't go on when we get back. (Started in May)
He said yes something will have to change. Now of course I'm reading all sorts into that comment

From my own experience, which brought me on to MN, and many others I have read since, I would say the following:

First BE VERY SURE that if you confront and he denies or won't let you see his phone, you will chuck him out, and for good.

If you are not, and many are not in practice, don't confront without evidence. You have to find it, or you will always wonder.

So that means looking for every clue, even old receipts, and getting a babysitter and following him, since you don't have passwords.

You don't need proof at all- people are right. I found it very hard though to uproot my family without it, and I was as certain as you he would deny or cover his tracks.

On the other hand, don't wait for bloody ever, like I did, failing to get evidence until I became practically obsessed . I really regret that.

Be upfront with him. Ask what he means by his comment. If he truly loves you and has nothing to hide, he will explain calmly without accusing you of being snoopy, controlling, etc.

Also lie on the bed later, quietly, and have a good think.

Friends do not send texts like that, do they? You know that really. Try to eliminate the what if I am wrong inner voice.

His explanation was off too, wasn't it?

His sudden need for passwords.

His recent staying away.

The password alone, if it was soon after, is enough, isn't it?

I do see how hard it is to falter and suppress doubt. The best thing I ever did was post on MN, as I had a chorus of "are you joking?" From everyone. Sometimes it IS obvious, and we just don't want to believe it. And we also don't want to believe we are that gullible.

It is just fear. Feel the fear, you can deal with it.

Both you and your kids deserve to be happier and in a more open supportive relationship than this.

I don't believe him either

My last good tip is this:

Whatever excuses he makes about security or not coming home , there is only ONE reason.

It is because he wants to.

My H agreed eventually with the male counsellor who explained this to me in front of him.

If they repeatedly forget or get cross or refuse requests you might have found reasonable asks a few years ago, he is doing so Because He Wants To.

It isn't cant, it is won't.

And he has trained you and conditioned you unconsciously ( maybe on both sides) to accept it and /or back off.

Oh, it is standard for people claiming JSA to have a travel to work area up to 90 mins there and 90 mins back.
75 mins is a normal commute here and I don't live in the middle of nowhere. DH travels this and more every day, I can't imagine him having the gall to insist on overnight accommodation, 75 mins is normal. What makes him such a special snowflake that he gets to sod off and opt out of family life over that?
Even if he's as innocent as the driven snow, you need to nip that one firmly on the bud. I really don't think he's just a lazy fucker though, so sorry

I think you need to tell him to come home.

Today.

He needs to be home and helping you manage a family.

You are being cheated her love, either way, you're being cheated out of a man that you deserve.

I love you xxxxxxxx it's not ambiguous. Sorry he is having an affair. I'd bet my house on it. With that much working away I'd guess he's practically living with her.

Oh I'm so sorry. It doesn't look good. That is exactly the commute I do each day, morning and night. I've got two young children and although it kills me physically, on top of all the other stuff I (we all) do, there would be something seriously amiss if I didn't come back each night.

Go and see a solicitor. Knowledge is power.

He's staying away for the entire fucking week?! No, no, no.. You phone him up and tell him to get the fuck home and have it out with him, you cannot sit there waiting for him until Friday while he gets up to god knows what.
Sorry for the swearing but I am LIVID for you op. Do not let him do this to you, please!

god im so sorry

1 hour 15 is a totally normal everyday commute, in fact it's on the low side.

My DP is driving back from Scotland tonight, after finishing at 6pm, because he doesn't want to stay away overnight, so he can see the dc in the morning.

When I work in my normal office its 1 hour 15 each way. Tomorrow I need to be in London for 8.30am so will leave at 5.30, won't get back till 9pm, still not staying overnight.

I would tell him to get his ass home and have a 'chat' with him

Even if he's not having an affair, he's being a selfish twat.