Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

[Imonlydreaming]

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

Maybe like he's preparing his self-justification, I'm afraid.

Oh diddums, he needs to be needed.

He needs to feel good about himself, that all . And sod anyone else.

I wonder if he thinks his kids need a dad who is actually there and supporting their mum?

It's all bollocks.

Don't take anything at face value or judge yourself against it. It's his self justifying inner voice talking, and that voice is articulating a pretty version of himself.

Thank you all for your support again today.
I must try and get some sleep now before the DCs wake up. Trying to be happy, I'm fine mummy for them.
Haven't heard from him again this evening - I am superfluous

He's not preparing you I am afraid, love

he is preparing himself or, in other words, justifying something he has done, or is about to do

Yep, the bonus thing happened to me too. About £20k as I recall. Just not mentioned. He appeared home with a load of shopping bags full of stuff for himself but didn't even get me a Xmas present that year.

Our dcs were 3 and 1 at that point, one was presenting with sn and I had no family support and was on my own all week. It truly was the hardest point of my life. Things are vastly different a few years on.

He also said I didn't need him, and flinched away if I tried to hug him. Awful. Please get him out before it starts to erode your self esteem.

Get someone to look after the kids and turn up at his 'male' colleagues house tonight. Seriously. When you know, you know. I caught my husband actually in the middle of shagging a colleague. This was a very long time ago. You need proof. Time to muster every last bit of strength you have and go and get it. You cannot continue like this.

Morning Dreaming. Thought about you as soon as I got up because I know you will be playing "happy mummy" this morning and that, in my view, is one of the hardest things to do. I am in a totally different situation to you, but for me, forcing jolliness when all I want to do is curl up on my own, is the toughest part. Hang in there.

As everyone else has said, your priority now is to maintain your position of strength by not alerting him jot the fact that you are suspicious. As has been pointed out on this thread (and documented I'm so many threads on MN) approaching a parter with suspicions but no proof, whilst you yourself are feeling confused and still hopeful, will almost certainly lead to denial, followed by him accusing you of not trusting him, followed by self doubt(yours) then potentially another 6 months of this carrying in whilst you become increasingly confused/paranoid/miserable.

Instead do as others have suggested and either turn up unannounced or get your hands on his phone. I know there will be a tiny part of you that doesn't want to know right now, but I promise you that in the long term, the not knowing is worse. It will erode your self esteem until you don't know truth from lies.

And if by some miracle, he is not having an affair, you can challenge his complete disengagement from the family with no doubt that you are right.

Now that he has 'remembered' the bonus, is he asking you how it should be spent?

You really need not to be passive in this situation, it sound alike you have a little time on your hands and in your position I would be clearing my head of emotions just for a short time and getting angry and organised. Get a copy of that bonus letter today, and ANY other documantation that points to his earnings. Get as much cash out of joint accounts and into your own account as possible, even if it means going and opening one today. this man is sending you VERY clear signals that he is about to opt out. (well clearly he's already opting out, but i mean permanantly) And this is your opportunity to grab what you can to help you once he drops his bombshell.

I know you will be reeling, that you will be hoping against all hope that we are wrong, ut please do this, even if just on the off chance we are right, because you'll only get this chance!

I hope you managed some sleep, remember we're all here, all the way though this journey with you if you need support.

Thinking of you OP.

He forgot a big bonus?! He's a liar, and not a very good one.

Did he reply to the "I love you xxxxxx" text? Because if somebody sent me that by mistake id be replying with "that obviously wasnt meant for me lol"

I was also expecting his commute to be about 3-4 hours, 1hr 15min is fuck all

How much was the bonus? There's no way you forget about a bonus really, even if it's not big, especially if you have actually been working that hard for it. He obviously wants to have his cake and eat it. I agree with the posters who said to open an account in your sole name and move everything you can into it.

This 'you don't need me' is definitely him reassuring himself that his behaviour/leaving is ok and that he needn't feel so guilty imo.

Big hugs to you (sorry mumsnet vipers!) you sound like you are dealing with it so well. Better to realise and deal with the situation however and whenever you choose than to bury your head in the sand and let him spring it on you whenever he likes. x

I agree Mike.

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

You are doing well, and you are much more apprised of the truth of your situation today.

I too would open an account and keep searching those things. Receipts can be useful, telling where he stays, how many, how many are eating . And then other things you didn't know about may pop up too.

Consider telling someone - it makes it more real.

Had a rather restless night - both on mine and DCs part.
Have seen an old friend this morning for coffee - managed not to think about it all for a while.
Will take copies when the DCs nap later and have a look for anything else - though I really think/ hope not to find anything - banking all online and I know none of his passwords - never wanted them before .
He said the other day he was getting rid of all his receipts when tidying up and I haven't seen any when looking.

Just try to stay cool now. You'll likely have been feeling a little sick and out of touch with reality when you woke up properly. None of this is easy - as most of us on this thread probably know.

Sorry - that should have been 'as most of us on this thread probably know from personal experience.'

He gets a text saying "i Love you xxxxxxxx"

He chages his password

You have no access to bank statements etc.

One hours and 15 mins is nothing.

We live in Sutton Coldfield and DP has to travel to Uxbridge most days- he would not even consider having to stay away because of this.

wake up and smell the coffee= he is taking the piss.

Tulips, this passworded accounts happened to me too. She is smelling it.

It takes a few days to work it all through. First you do all the kids and housework stuff as they claim to be so busy. They say they will do the budgeting and money, and you agree- at leasts it's a contribution. Because you trust them. It's only when something like the text happens that a few things which had niggled for a while eg the overnight stays, take on a different dimension. You realise that you can't check much as they have outwitted you before you knew there was a game being played.

You start to search their office and so it goes on.

So now she has enough evidence to say, look, I know there is another woman, that you are not forgetful at all with money and you are deceitful. You are a selfish arise to boot. Get out. She can do this now.

Some people confront at this point, others wait for a bit more evidence on the woman issue. I bet she'll find it, and before the end of the holiday, if she keeps her counsel. He will try to make contact, I bet. And now, it's easier to see because she is looking and alert. Been there, done all that.

OP I do think its worth putting a time limit on the searching. Also be aware if you go down that route that he may soft soap you into brushing it away in your head before you ever have the conversation. I think they realise when you are getting too unhappy and pull out the act, to put you off any scent. That happened to me a couple of times, and as I said up thread you feel a right fool down the line.

imonlydreaming - so sorry that you are going through this. I know it is hard for you to believe, and when you trust somebody, you try and find innocent explanations for everything. My XH was texting his mates wife thousands of times a month and I tried to believe that he was just supporting her. When you love somebody, you cant believe that they could do that to you, even if the evidence is staring you in the face.

A text saying I Love You, is not a joke. He then gave you a silly story of how it happened to somebody else. Like others have said, he is trying way too hard to explain away a joke or a mistake.

Putting a code lock on it after that happened, is a sure sign that he has something to hide. I have a lock on my phone as it is used for work, but my XH always knew the code.

and the commute story, well I am sorry, but he is taking you for a fool. :( Where I live, everybody has to commute at least an hour to work. Millions of people across the country commute 1.15 every day. Your H should want to do that short drive to get home to his family.

Don't blame yourself for believing him, as I said before, when you trust your partner, you should believe them, but I think the scales have fallen from your eyes now.

tell him that the DC want to visit the house where he stays, that they want to see where daddy is when he isnt home. watch him squirm and make excuses why you cant go there.

and as for lying about his bonus.... again, why not tell you about it? what does he want to spend the money on.. maybe soon he will come home and announce that he has to go on a weeks training course or something...... while he will really be booking a holiday.

My Xh walked out with no warning, after we went through a bad time, family illness, death work stress etc. I tried to make all the excuses that I could for him and think that he was having a breakdown, but in reality, he had fallen for somebody else and changed overnight.

I hope you find your way through this

My commute to work takes one and a half hours and I always go home...

"He said the other day he was getting rid of all his receipts"

I bet. Like Onefewer says, receipts can be very telling, and your oh would know that.

Just a thought , if you have a bank card most banks will have machines that you can print out statements etc.if all banking done online - this is a way for you to access it all without the passwords ( which you 'should' have anyway.

He's away during the week - leaving you without day to day banking facilities - not really fair.

Just a thought , if you have a bank card most banks will have machines that you can print out statements etc.if all banking done online - this is a way for you to access it all without the passwords ( which you 'should' have anyway.

He's away during the week - leaving you without day to day banking facilities - not really fair.

Actually, register yourself online with your bank details . If you have joint bank account you can both have your own log in anyway. Then you can see what is going in and out of the account whenever you like. You can either choose to or not to tell him you have registered.

Chin up.

We have separate accounts - always have done although this means I can't see what he's doing with money at least I have access to my own funds.
Keep looking at our lovely DCs and wondering why as others have said he wouldn't want to go all out to get back to see them more often.

they become very selfish once someone else is on the scene... that person becomes more important than their own children.

Sad but true :(

I think that they decide they want freedom, jollity and no responsibilities. They've got their kids (so met their needs there) and someone else is conveniently looking after them and raising them leaving them space to do what they want and be young and careless again. It's all immensely juvenile and self-centred.