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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 17:46

He's being so normal on the phone - says he loves me wants to talk to the DCs.
I'm reading so much into everything - he said he'd ring later before the kids go to bed - never does this -wondering if its to put me off calling again later like I did last night

OP posts:

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 14/08/2013 18:00

so does that mean he's not coming home tonight?

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 18:05

No not till tomorrow

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 14/08/2013 18:09

If I were you I'd tell him not to bother coming back. He's having an affair, staying God knows where during the week and spending his bonus on something other than you and the kids. Bloody hell!

onefewernow · 14/08/2013 18:14

Or drive over for a " nice surprise" and let kids sleep in the car, if he says he is working tonight.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 14/08/2013 18:18

I'd be tempted to turn up for a nice surprise too, but not this week, not til I'd got my hands on as much evidence and backup funds as possible. (I know I keep going ON about that OP, but my aforementioned friend was left with NOTHING!)

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 14/08/2013 18:25

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Like everyone else has said it certainly doesn't look good.

I don't have any friends, even other female friends, who would text me telling me they love me. I'd find that very weird indeed. Also putting a passcode after that would make it clear to me something was going on. I'd be insisting I saw that phone, to be honest.

I also couldn't imagine my partner not coming back to see me and my daughter. He just wouldn't think about that, unless it was 3+ hours and even then he'd be Skyping every available opportunity. Any doting father would want to spend any time they possibly can with their children. If that means they lose an extra hour or two sleep, I guarantee 99% of Dad's (and Mum's, obviously) would do it.

I hope you find the strength to just come out with what you want from him and to state you know something is amiss and you want to know the truth. Truth is power and although it might not be what you want to hear, it's ultimately something you need to hear.

If for some miraculous reason he's not cheating, he isn't being a responsible parent and husband and that would seriously upset me.

I wish you the best of luck as I am sure it's not easy.

Mrscaindingle · 14/08/2013 18:28

I am in a similar boat to you OP, lots of suspicions and gut feelings but nothing concrete to go on.
I have always been someone who has advised to listen to your gut, it's telling you something for a reason.
Other posters have already given you great advice which I can't top but just wanted to say I know what you're going through.

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 18:46

I'm so sorry for anyone who has gone/ is going through this. It's worse than horrible

OP posts:

alphacourse · 14/08/2013 19:02

I hate to tell you, but it gets even MORE horrible when they lie to your face once busted

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 14/08/2013 19:16

All this advice flying your way is hard too I'm guessing, dreaming? It's easy to type advice to a screen, but you sometimes kind of forget there is someone at the end of it having to take all of this in and process it somehow... How are you holding up?

onefewernow · 14/08/2013 19:22

Hmm fair point.

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 19:38

I'm ok - kept busy with the DCs and packing
Feel like I'm going a bit mad - snooping around his stuff and feeling bad for doing so - and then having a normal conversation with him on the phone.

OP posts:

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 14/08/2013 19:48

Certainly no worse than what he is doing.
At worst he is sneaking around and then acting normal to you.
At best he's a grown man with a family who doesn't show them how much he values them / doesn't want to spend his spare time with them.

To me, you are doing nothing wrong.
Or if you are, you are doing it for the right reason.

Yogagirl17 · 14/08/2013 19:53

Hang in there OP xx

skyeskyeskye · 14/08/2013 20:03

My instincts were right, from the very first email I saw from XH to OW. Nothing concrete, just a flirty comment that me me go .

He walked with no warning, came back, left again, then I checked his mobile bills and discovered the thousands of texts to her. My gut instinct was right, right from the start. But because of the way my XH left, I was in a huge state of shock and didn't handle the situation well, I was just desperate for him to come back and tried to believe everything that he said.

It does sound like your H is trying to cover his tracks. I really do think that you need to visit this place where he is staying, or at least suggest it and see what he says.

I know that you must be reeling from all of this and a lot of people come across as harsh, leave him, kick him out etc, but they do all mean well and a lot of them have been through it and are just trying to save you a lot of heartache.

It is your life and you need to handle the situation as it happens, but do try and gather any evidence that you can in any way that you can.

Pilgit · 14/08/2013 21:05

1 hour 15 is not a long commute. It would be considered fairly short where I live as most of us commute to london. Mine is about 1.5 hours door to door. I get in early and am back in time for DC bedtime routine. If I need to carry on working citrix comes to my aid. With modern technology being the way it is nobody needs to be stapled to their office chair to work - they can do it anywhere there is an internet connection (I'm talking office workers here, there are a few exceptions but that's all to do with security clearance and nothing to do with technology) so he can do it. most employers have flexible working policies so that you can work from home (and they can bleed you dry just that bit more by giving the illusion of flexibility - but I digress).

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 21:08

Just found evidence of a big loan I knew nothing about - no idea what it's for
Actually feel sick - no wonder he didn't want to mention the bonus it'll be paying off the loan

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 21:12

Before this, would you have regarded yourselves as financially stable or were you struggling?

PopiusTartius · 14/08/2013 21:15

You poor thing. You must just feel sick. And stunned.
I think it all seems pretty clear, doesn't it. I am so sorry.

Please stop having half conversations with him about it though. All it is likely to do is give him a heads up to put his ducks in order (whichever order he wants them in). Keep your head down and get as much information as you can about what's going on; get advice about your own position, and only bring it up when you are ready to follow through on whatever course of action you want to take.

Original poster

Imonlydreaming · 14/08/2013 21:18

I thought we were doing ok - not rolling in it, but a few savings for a rainy day. We've talked about money a lot since I had the DCs and weighed up options of going back to work etc. and it suited us for me to be PT due to double nursery costs (DCs are twins)
I just don't know what the hell he's done with that money! Last week we had a problem with a kitchen appliance and he suggested I may need to use my savings if it couldn't be fixed!!

OP posts:

Mixxy · 14/08/2013 21:19

Sounds well fishy. You would think he would mention a sizable loan and what he might have needed it for. Keep looking.

skyeskyeskye · 14/08/2013 21:22

so sorry that you keep finding more and more. if he is financing a second life, it could take some money, worst case scenario is he is living with somebody else and telling her that he is working away when he is with you. dont want to upset you, but you never know.

or he may have gambling debts?

you really do need to sit him down and have a proper conversation with him to find out exactly what is goin on.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2013 21:22

This is now too much, love. You need to see his hand. Have you managed to arrange as much as you can as suggested by others posters?

And sorry to say this because I know you were looking forward to it - but is there any longer any point in going on that holiday? It will likely be miserable as sin. (I'm assuming it's too late to get any money back although you wouldn't spend 'spending money'.)

ivykaty44 · 14/08/2013 21:24

He's said that a few times recently - maybe it's like he's preparing me?

no - he wants to reassure himself you will be fine with two small children on your own...sorry but he is a coward and actually he would welcome your help in making up his mind for him

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