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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Putting 2+2 together and coming up with ....?

999 replies

Imonlydreaming · 12/08/2013 22:24

I can't actually believe that I am typing this but I am getting myself in a real tizz about this situation.
My DH has recently begun working a bit further from home and pretty soon after that he started to "stay over" first in hotels, and now in a work colleagues house. (A man if that makes a difference) 2-3 times a week.

The other day our phones were on the side and one of them went off - he said was it yours - not actually asking me to look at his but I did and he had a text that said "I love you xxxxxxxxx" - not from me.
He got up and came over when he saw me open his phone and said straightaway - I used to work with her. Then told me a story about another friend who'd done the same to him. I thought it was strange, but people do make mistakes like that don't they?

After that his phone has had a pass code on - which he told me was because someone at work had taken his phone and left it in a communal area - possibly as a joke. Perfectly plausible of the place he works at.

Today he was having trouble with the signal on his phone and I asked if I could have the number where he's staying and he said that his own mobile would work there. Not actually refusing to give it to me - said he'd do it later (but hasn't).

Well of course the reason I'm writing this down is that I'm suspicious - we haven't exactly been that physical recently - but with 2 toddlers who don't sleep through and lots of illness and other family issues/ illness it's just been a bad time.

Am I reading between the lines and seeing an issue that isn't there? I know that a bunch of strangers on the Internet can't tell me the answers. I just know I couldn't talk to anyone in RL and to ask him would open a can of worms - that I'm just not ready to face.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Imonlydreaming · 01/09/2013 19:15

I have looked up solicitors details and will contact them his week

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:16

If you haven't already seen it, you might wish to read \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1840926-I-ignored-good-advice-and-guess-what\this rather rueful thread.}

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:17

No, sweet. You're mentally putting it off. Phone them tomorrow. (Remember that it's an initial consultation. It will commit you to nothing.)

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 19:18

Phone them tomorrow at 9am

Imonlydreaming · 01/09/2013 19:21

I go back to work tomorrow - so I know I won't do it then - Tuesday I promise

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:26

If we seem rough, dreaming, it's only out of concern for you and your children. Remember that many of us have been down this very road and recognize the signs.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 19:28

Don't promise us, you owe us nothing

Do it for yourself

This thread will soon be full, love. Do you want to start another ? Let it die off ? Someone else to do it for you ? You will need to decide soon.

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:29

Yes. It filled quicker than I thought.

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:31

You have the option, if you want to start another, of starting it in a slightly more discreet place on MN - where it can't be googled and is zapped after 30 days.

MissStrawberry · 01/09/2013 19:36

If you want to start it it makes it easier for people to follow and support you as you can highlight the OP's posts.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 19:37

Have pm'ed you OP

Imonlydreaming · 01/09/2013 19:40

Ok if I start it where you suggested AF should I link it here?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/09/2013 19:43

As at least one poster predicted, getting all his ducks in a row, exactly. You may hesitate to consult a solicitor, for DTs' sake or because of relatives' pressure or that nagging masochistic inner voice that says, I have to know myself I did all I could.

He has been such a liar he won't hesitate to buy time for himself. Even if you find evidence, he'll try to front it out. You weren't supposed to know. He must have felt nicely cushioned from DS's poorly spells. I bet he played the dutiful H skiving off early to "help out at home" ie Hero Dad or gave everyone outside work the impression he was clocking up overtime working mad hours to give his family security and DCs a great start. Maybe hinted you were a bit of a tartar < cue rueful smile> generally demanding or the old chestnut beloved of cheating men, a wife who's always been "high maintenance".

Seeking legal advice is not you overreacting by upping the ante. Keeping communication through indirect channels cuts out the white noise. This is not you casting your marriage into oblivion. This was his doing.

Doha · 01/09/2013 19:44

No don't link it.......

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 19:44

No, don't link it here if it matters that your threads are googleable.

Anybody that is a regular MN user will know where to go, and if a regular contributor to your existing thread were to ask by pm, they could be redirected

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 19:45

Just so.

AllThatGlistens · 01/09/2013 19:58

No links, most of us know where to find you Flowers

Norem · 01/09/2013 20:40

Hi OP just wanted to give you a view to the future.
My exH did exactly the same thing, I found out he had been having an affair when our Ds2 was five months old, he had been having the affair right through the pregnancy.
When I confronted him the first words out of his mouth were to blame me for not giving him enough attention.
I was devastated, I had truly meant and lived MY marriage vows his meant nothing.
We divorced with the help of a brilliant family law solicitor on my side.
I maintained a polite on confrontational relationship to facilitate his relationship with the boys.
I went back to uni, retrained, met my Dp and now have three more DCs.
I am happy, he has never managed to settle down with anyone for any length of time.
Living well really is possible after a marriage breakdown.
We are stronger than we know.
We have a polite relationship now and I feel sorry for him.

Imonlydreaming · 01/09/2013 21:03

New thread started -
I just want to reiterate what I have said there -that I've had some amazing advice here and I really appreciate you all taking time to support me through what I feel is the worst time of my life so far
Flowers

OP posts:
AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 01/09/2013 21:04

Agree your name will be searchable on here so everyone can find you. Besides, those who know your story will recognise the opening lines.

I am truly sorry you are being put in this position though I still can't believe the audacity of his behaviour.

cloudskitchen · 01/09/2013 21:28

I have followed your thread from the beginning and in case I don't come across your new one I just wanted to wish you all the very best for the future x

cozietoesie · 01/09/2013 21:37

I don't think that a name search brings up posts on the other place. I'll stand corrected if wrong.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 21:38

No, a name search shouldn't bring up a new thread

Jarlin · 01/09/2013 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StellarLights · 01/09/2013 22:03

Hello,

I am new to MN however I have been following this thread, could someone please pm me the new location of it please? I'd very much like to hear how Dreaming get's on!