Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
What couples' therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23
CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 12/06/2013 23:32
I'm not ready to share yet, I'm very raw and just want to curl up inside myself right now.
I haven't slept a wink so I'm tired, but I still have 3 DCs to get sorted out, youngest being only 14 months 
babylon huge hugs to you. You've given him 3 DCs and no doubt a hell of a lot. If he is anything like the other FWs, nothing will make him happy. My FW was unhappy and incapable of love (apart from love disguised as control). It will get better.
bounty I can tell you my self esteem was rock bottom when I was with FW. In 6 weeks, well you can tell how much better I am. There's nothing you can do to work on your self esteem when you can see the look in someone's eyes that is anything less than love, when they insult you every day. Mr POF hasn't been in contact, I'm not exactly thrilled about that but I'm not even letting that spoil the progress I've made or my overall mood. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that. That's how much I've come on, that I'm not going to rely on men for my self esteem. I feel more attractive, intelligent, capable and unstoppable.
Had a boaky sex dream about FW last night. He had two dicks (no, not one on his head) and me and another girl ahem servicing him. Boak boak boak. That's a complicated one to analyse isn't it Why am I dreaming his dream? That's not fair! Where is my Bradley Cooper dream??!
Hugs to all
:o at your dream comments, but yes, very boaky, Colin!
Babylon, welcome, so sorry you're going through all this. Hope you get some hugs and distraction from the dcs and some chance to rest and process?!? I have 4 smallish ones myself, so I know how relentless it can be.
fff - the husband in hospital: I have witnessed similar and wished for it myself. The really hurtful thing is that FW keeps using that word now, "beautiful", about me, but it's utter utter crap. I know exactly where my flaws are thanks to him - some that I was already aware of and some that I hadn't thought to be dissatisfied with. I used to say, "x thought I looked nice" and he would say, "Well I don't, so why are you saying that?" Goodness, that was years ago, though - I've blocked that memory out of sheer embarrassment. And now he has the gall to say he sees me differently?? 
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Hi,
have wanted to post for a long time but this isn't really the right place, I wish there was a support thread for friends of those in emotionally abusive relationships, as it's my friend I want to post about. Although I suspect he is abusive, he is definitely controlling, even she knows that.
It doesn't matter though, she loves him and is prepared to stay seemingly no matter what. I'm making it sound very bleak I know, but I thought there was one issue which she might leave him over, but no, he gets everything his own way.
My friend is such a strong person too, well I can see areas of her life where she isn't now and it's really sad. I don't see how I can help her, I bought the lundy book to look for ideas but had to stop reading it, and that's based on the little I know of what she's told me. I'm being very vague but her OH is just the sort of slimy s**t that would look on boards like this.
It is amazing though how they all act the same, my friend has been woken up many times by her OH, to discuss non existent problems, if she goes to bed too early, she's told she doesn't need that much sleep, arguments late at night, he shouts at her, a lot, in private only. Managed to isolate her from family, in two years, impressive really if it wasn't so sad. Luckily she's broken through that one for now. He has very few friends, she had loads and a fab social life, now she sees friends rarely and doesn't have so many. He's tried to control her job, made her give up her hobby as it stopped them spending time together, but then it's ok for him to have a hobby and spend every night doing it. He tells her she needs to have sex more with him, that normal couples do it 10 times a night ok, slight exageration, but you get the idea, and sex after a row, what's that about?!
Of course his family is great and she must spend time with them, he won't see hers. Wants to check who she's texting, looking over her shoulder at her phone, but won't show her his own, not that she's bothered but she sees how he feels entitled to know what she's up to but wants his own privacy. When they go to places it's his choice, even when he buys her presents it always seems to be something that benefits him too.
I've read on here about dead eyes, I think he has those, and when I've been in their company he has the ability to make you feel unwelcome. She says he's very generous but I can't see that, it all seems to be about him. In one area of her life she's about to become tied to him further in the coming weeks and I'm wondering if he will try to control her further. He also has a great ex story, you really couldn't make it up, but it had the desired effect of making my friend feel sorry for him and completely stop her from asking more questions about it.
There has also been some physical violence, actually quite serious, but done in such a way as he's blameless.
Hope you all don't mind me writing this down, it feels better to get it out. I sometimes wonder if I'm seeing things that aren't there but then she tells me something else and I think, no, that isn't right.
Many thanks for reading, sorry it's so long, and I've just thought of more
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Hello all, here I am, and 40 (+ two days) now as well! Sorry didn't manage on, it's been a buuuuusy week and I'm just about on my knees now! Collapsed into bed Wednesday eve after a lovely dinner with my bestie, and last night was up till all hours trying to get some kind of order in my room, which has become the receptacle of my stuff from the house, until I can find a home for it all eBay it. House sale now not going through today, but I don't care. My stuff is out, I will never be in that house again.
Feels ok to be 40. 
So far...
Didn't realise we were nearly birthday twins, Leclerc, glad you have something planned for tonight! Happy birthday for tomorrow.
Will have a read through the rest of the posts I've missed now, but hugs to you all, and thanks so much for all the kind birthday wishes. Means a lot to me. 
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We Geminis rock, pony! I'm already excited about tonight, and I've not looked forward to a birthday so much for years! 
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