Hi,
have wanted to post for a long time but this isn't really the right place, I wish there was a support thread for friends of those in emotionally abusive relationships, as it's my friend I want to post about. Although I suspect he is abusive, he is definitely controlling, even she knows that.
It doesn't matter though, she loves him and is prepared to stay seemingly no matter what. I'm making it sound very bleak I know, but I thought there was one issue which she might leave him over, but no, he gets everything his own way.
My friend is such a strong person too, well I can see areas of her life where she isn't now and it's really sad. I don't see how I can help her, I bought the lundy book to look for ideas but had to stop reading it, and that's based on the little I know of what she's told me. I'm being very vague but her OH is just the sort of slimy s**t that would look on boards like this.
It is amazing though how they all act the same, my friend has been woken up many times by her OH, to discuss non existent problems, if she goes to bed too early, she's told she doesn't need that much sleep, arguments late at night, he shouts at her, a lot, in private only. Managed to isolate her from family, in two years, impressive really if it wasn't so sad. Luckily she's broken through that one for now. He has very few friends, she had loads and a fab social life, now she sees friends rarely and doesn't have so many. He's tried to control her job, made her give up her hobby as it stopped them spending time together, but then it's ok for him to have a hobby and spend every night doing it. He tells her she needs to have sex more with him, that normal couples do it 10 times a night ok, slight exageration, but you get the idea, and sex after a row, what's that about?!
Of course his family is great and she must spend time with them, he won't see hers. Wants to check who she's texting, looking over her shoulder at her phone, but won't show her his own, not that she's bothered but she sees how he feels entitled to know what she's up to but wants his own privacy. When they go to places it's his choice, even when he buys her presents it always seems to be something that benefits him too.
I've read on here about dead eyes, I think he has those, and when I've been in their company he has the ability to make you feel unwelcome. She says he's very generous but I can't see that, it all seems to be about him. In one area of her life she's about to become tied to him further in the coming weeks and I'm wondering if he will try to control her further. He also has a great ex story, you really couldn't make it up, but it had the desired effect of making my friend feel sorry for him and completely stop her from asking more questions about it.
There has also been some physical violence, actually quite serious, but done in such a way as he's blameless.
Hope you all don't mind me writing this down, it feels better to get it out. I sometimes wonder if I'm seeing things that aren't there but then she tells me something else and I think, no, that isn't right.
Many thanks for reading, sorry it's so long, and I've just thought of more