Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi breathe been AWOL myself as like you my life has been a tornado of feelings and doing stuff!

Personally, I would go with the house IF it feels right. I am now settled into my new house with dd and although it is tough and very very scary, it was possibly one of the best things I have done. You feel so much stronger for it. Don't get me wrong, I do have some very dark and lonely moments, but I have only been here 2 months or so, so still early days.

The benefit is, when fw picks up dd, he does not enter unless I invite him in because dd is not ready. It is my house, my furniture .... Nothing of him, iyswim?

Thank you to those about my previous post.

He can't have her during the week as he does not get home until 6.30 + so that's a no goer :(

I chatted to dd about it. It turns out she was missing her old friends which is why she wanted to go there each weekend. I told her to remember that when daddy moves, she will not see them, but will still see them at school. She said I know, then it will go back to how it is now.

So I have come up with a compromise. She will go there on the Saturday, just for the day, unless we have plans. I would get the kids here, but their mum has been really odd since I split up with fw and there always seems to be something happening so the kids can't come round.

As for the house sale, fw is stalling big time! He says he has an appt with a financial advisor next week to look at options. He reckons he will get an interest only mortgage short term and the capital will come out of his share of the equity. Can't see an fa advising that tbh, but I said to him interest only mortgages are a bad idea. He has no sense of how to save money, which was a real issue during our marriage. It ended up with my parents having to bail us both out of debt because I was unknowingly supporting his expensive computer and gadget habit! He never paid them back either :(

Sorry I ramble! Hope everyone is enjoying this weather. My IBS has flared up because of heat and stress, so feeling very sorry for myself!!

dillie glad to hear the new house is a good move and also that chat with DD has come up with a working compromise.

as for his interest only mortgage. his problem. hopefully he will not stall for too long. thanks goodness you are away from him and all his debt problems and expensive habits will become his own to deal with.

I am still struggling a bit to deal with the new revelations that my FW was from the sounds of it an even bigger FW to his xw and in front of their dcs. It is a lot to process. It sounds daft but I thought I had got my head around who and what he is. he is abusive but at a level that whilst I do not think is in any way acceptable I thought it had limits and I thought at least I knew him and knew what he is capable of. some of the things he has done to the dcs since we split have shocked me- nothing illegal or that constitutes PA so nothing that would have access denied by the courts- but still cruel, unnecessary and damaging. but to hear from dsc that the level or arguing the witnessed between FW and me (which was savage but not physical) was 'nowhere near as bad as what they experienced before' just makes me want to weep.

I am being necessarily vague here though.

Hey all. I'm only popping in so I've not read back...

I just wanted to say to you all (and to those who take an unhealthy interest in my life) that if you feel you have been treated unfairly by Social Services - SPEAK UP.

Only a couple of you know the back story to this (although my fan club know all about it) but I was let down big style by SS in April who spoke to FW once and decided the sun shone out of his backside - thus leaving me looking like a fruitloop. Three weeks ago I summoned up the courage to make a complaint.

I've just had the most grovelling apology over the phone for 35 mins. I am to receive a letter stating that they treated me appallingly. That the initial advice they gave me was 100% right and the conversation they had with FW and subsequently with me was utterly wrong. That they will be using my case as a training example. That there is a possibility that they will be inviting me to address to the workers in the department (incidentally the dept that deals specifically with Marac and DV etc) because it was such a clear case of wrongful treatment.

Stick to your guns ladies. You know what is right and wrong, no matter who tries to stand in your way. Because there will be plenty of them - FWs, their families and friends, even SS. But hold fast to your course. You will be ok and you will be able to put your dcs first and protect them.

Peace and jelly beans to you all x

Leclerc - at your treatment from SS, but am so so proud of you for going ahead with your complaint. Your utter vindication is a fantastic outcome, for all of you (but not your fanclub, obviously, who will probably only ignore this anyway as it doesn't suit their purposes to do otherwise).

Again, it's testament to your strength of character. You are a fantastic mother and fantastic person. xx

mink - sending you many hugs too. What a shock. I can completely understand you being floored by this, it's shifted everything you thought you knew. You are in mourning for the person you thought you knew, and once loved.

Great news leclerc I often wonder how you are doing. You are an inspiration to us all x

mink sending hugs to you, give yourself time and more importantly, as my therapist keeps reminding me, allow yourself to grieve x

That's great news - well done you for having the courage to do that; so glad you were vindicated.

Breathe, that bolthole sounds just right; I think you should go for it. It has such potential to be a happy home for the dcs, which will make the move so much easier on you. I may be living vicariously (so feel free to ignore my advice) since I was hopeful last week that I could move into a lovely place near school and friends. But the landlord (who knows me, to make it worse) says no way. I have run the whole gamut whatever that means of emotions this past week!

I am reconciled to it now, though. There are probably advantages to staying put, even if it means FW can stall about leaving and pop back whenever he wants under pretext of monitoring renovations.

So I started today relaxed, happy in the sunshine... and I've just received an email from FW. Telling me off for not being friendly enough in communication with him, trying to control the separation, suggesting we share a car post-separation.

Blood is boiling again! Honestly, can't have one simple communication with him without this sort of thing!

Am off to the garden to forget about it. Love to all.

yay leclerc I remember it happening at the time and thinking it was tiotally unjust and the last thing you needed. so at them for the whole incident in the first place but and to you for sticking to your guns and also a well done to SS for belatedly getting heir shit together. it sounds like your complaint has not only done a lot for your peace of mind but also for other people. well done MN should have the equivalent of Blue peter badges for outstanding service to the cause of woman everywhere and if they did I would ask them to send you several.

and pony thank you. you are right it is like mourning all over again. it is like another tiny scrap of what I mistakenly thought was decency has been snatched away.

charlotte that email sounds like a definite case for the simple 'no' just a one word email.

tis well done you and thank you for sharing to help give others including me the strength to do what we know is right.
Charlotte I am picturing the car cut midway down the bonnet and over the roof.. like in a cartoon when a cutter goes over the top - I presume that is what he means [grins] I don't think he will ever stop those kind of communications, I hope with time thier effect on you emotionally reduces and you manage somehow to limit them but you have them to keep should you ever need to show authoroes how he communicates. Enjoy the garden.
Waving to everyone else as need to do boring jobs.. I always feel like I am playing catch up.

I was having a quick look at FP online. having looked at that and Lundy they seem to focus a lot on identifying an abuser. which is definitely a good thing. first step identify your FW as a FW and keep reminding yourself he is a FW. find out how a FW thinks and stop blaming yourself or trying to fix him. he is a FW.

but I still don't know how to recover. I have had about all the doses of reality I can take for now. I really need some healing. has anyone found anything that is very good for healing, for moving forwards and putting yourself back together once you have excised the tumour parasite FW?

:o mink that would definitely result in another telling off!

Not replying today in any case... Trying out a solicitor tomorrow - looking forward to that.

Mink Maybe this one

"It's My Life Now (2nd Revised edition) , PB , Meg Kennedy Dugan, Roger R. Hock"-

link here

fool. I have ordered it and will give it a go.
might be a good one for the older dcs too.

charlotte How about telling FW that he should have been 'friendlier' during your entire marriage!!! rather than worrying about how nice your emails are now. He's determined to keep some little grip onto you isn't he, no matter how small. Car share ???

mink sorry you're feeling fragile. I always think you sound so strong and together. Little wobbles are normal and let me know if the book helps (although I am getting a little antiFW library going stashed under my bed)

dillie lovely to hear you sounding more positive. Does your DD have other friends without odd mothers who could be invited over to play in the new house? Sounds like you 've made break through anyway with the chat.

breathe I would probably advise not to do the holiday (that suckered me and charlotte back in as they can be surprsingly nice on a holiday situation). But I probably wouldn't be strong enough to cause such a big row. well I WASNT strong enough as went on our holiday so would say pay the deposit, get the place lined up and then when the time comes to leave you can walk straight out without giving him chance to win you back over. That's my theory anyway. That some time soon I'll go and when that time comes I'll say "i'm leaving you - it's too little too late and I can't forget what has happened in the past" and then will pick up my handbag and waltz out possibly with hair flick in true movie style

FFF glad to hear you're still ok. Keep plodding!

leclerc really pleased that you followed up with SS and thrilled that you got an apology. I know it's not easy posting on here when you know that Mr and Mrs nosey are likely watching. But it really does give hope to us all.

Sorry, but need a short rant. I am really fucking pissed off. FW here visiting, and I spent a majority of the time either reminding him to actually play with the children instead of chatting with me, and telling him to stop shouting and calm down. I finally said that's it, you can go home now. I'm not listening to this anymore.

There is going to be a rearrangement of visiting times. This is not working.

Ok. Now I will go read and catch up.

he actually stood there shouting at me that our 3yo needed a good kick up the ass. what a knob

is women's aid there all the time to ring? or just during day hours? I'd like to talk to them but not until children are in bed

WA are there all the time 0808 2000 247 though your local will have limited opening times.

it was behaviour like this that led to FW contact being stopped. Would he behave better with you absent (ie MacDonalds dad)? or is he a FW with his DC anyway, like mine??

You have tried so hard to make it work Alice they have a 24 hour hotline number. I hope you can make other arrangements soon. What ever you do will not suit him. It is so unfair but he seems very angry and it is worrying.

fool he cannot have unsupervised contact and he won't agree to anyone else supervising. There are PA concerns and he doesn't cope with them - spends majority of time shouting at them and being aggressive. There are a number of other issues but it would be major outage if I mentioned them.

fool how are things this week? I hope it is more settled for you.

Well...in a domestic abuse situation YOU should not be the one supervising. WA will advise you but it is definitely not on.

Is this a private arrangement?

There are places where he can go for supervised contact...and it's not just him who gets a say in what is acceptable.

He could have indirect contact (phone, skype, letters)

have you a GOOD family lawyer?
Are SS involved?

Contact is for the sake of the DC not him...is this the right thing for them?

My situation is ongoing with lots of ranting about seeing the DC but no action...think he might finally end up going to court for a contact order...finances being ruined....so same old same old....but we are all much better!!! the longer we go without direct contact the better we get!