Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[FairyFi]

definitely the way to go babyseal ... nice one xxx

[minkembernard]

am also of out tonight di shall raise a glass to you all especially tis


pink hi. mostly be there. back up her POV particularly when she is thinking for herself if you see what I mean. bolster her self esteem.
not sure about this but maybe label what he does. i think if when I used to have frustrated rants about my ex someone had actually said you of know that is domestic abuse...I might have left sooner. when i fid and said just realised that is abuse, most friends said yes, I know. so i kind of wush they had told me although if course i minimised and i did not tell them about the rare instances if PA or the worst of the name calling.

but I may be wrong about the labelling so I put that ond to the thread all opinions- labelling good or bad?

try to encourage her not to minimise i.e.'actually that sounds quite bad. it is s lot to cope with'
at the very leadt do not let her blame herself.
what dies everyone else rwckon?

[minkembernard]

sorry for typos. can't arrow down on phone.

[ColinButterfly]

I think yes yes to bolstering self esteem and giving her a boost. My ex told me how ugly I was. My best friend and my sister spend a lot of time pointing out my good points and how out of order he was. My best friend called it abuse very early on and at first I was sceptical but once those words were in my head and once I'd read the links here, I saw it left right and centre. She has been willing me to get swept off my feet or for FW to meet someone. She was glad when FW left me tbh. Been for lunch with her earlier actually - she's thrilled to see the glowing Colin!

I also have a friend that is brilliant at getting me to talk and work things out for myself. She has a habit of not actually saying much but asking questions and getting me to talk and to kind of get there myself and then she acknowledges how I felt and defo encouraged me not to minimise it. It's quite a skill.

[minkembernard]

colin yay for good friends. I have lots to thank mine for too. for all the times they were there for me whrn i kickex him out or he left for still being there when I took him back and again and for all the loce and support since the truth has out.
both female and male friends- to the ladies for their many soggy shoulders and to the men for bring utterly .that a man would behave like that especially in relation to the childcare and to both for the boosts to my self esteem.

and of course to the lovely ladies of this thread and much much love.

pink Lundy revommends To be an anchor in the s storm

[betterthanever]

hey lovely ladies DS having a few meltdowns and attached to me all the time. It's quite nice in some ways but little chance to chat on here - have just skim read your posts. Hope to get on later. Need to be with like minded people. Have great friends in RL but they don't really know what it is like and I don't expect them too.

[FairyFi]

just out of interest, something mink was saying about the men she knew being in relation to the FW and childcare, reminded me of the shown by a good friend of mine over FW keeping DD out way after drop off time to force me to do his bidding! She was but then said, 'what is it with these men!' a friend of hers also had this done to her too - another FW I thought!

Nobody here has mentioned this, I've noticed some being brought back early, and anxiety issues over being ready on time, and we've certainly had sackfuls of those!

Just interest to hear who else has experienced the FW 'keeping' onto them (against their best interests of course with school the next day and time needed to get school work done).

((( Better ))) for some freedom later and smooth settling for bed.

yay, definitely to LLOTT xxx

[FairyFi]

this:

^Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don?t think it?s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that?s the one!"^

made me larf!

[ponygirlcurtis]

Fi, when we were still in Cambridge, DS1's dad used to always be late for pick-ups and for dropping him back off. Even though he's not a FW in the abuse sense, I am sure he was doing it deliberately (even if unconsciously) to wind me up. Especially as he frequently threatened to keep DS1 overnight on his weekend contact (he had him overnight during the week, but not at the weekend, and it was a huge source of contention with him), so when he was 10, 20, sometimes 30 or 40 minutes past the normal time, I would start to panic, obviously. And I'm sure I was meant to.

Ladies who be partaaaaying tonight - enjoy it, you all deserve it, I'll raise a or a to you later and think of you having fun!

Hey better - I often have a cling-on around this time (well, from about 4pm onwards) but not tonight, hence MNetting! He has found the Duplo I have retrieved from the house and is happily flinging it around my bedroom. Hope you get a break later.

Re labelling - my suggestion is if you don't feel up to labelling the abuse itself, maybe label the behaviour. If you can, point out that he's criticising her, demeaning her, ignoring her, isolating her, etc, might help her to see things differently. It can be hard to accept that it's abuse, but the abusive behaviours are easier to accept IYSWIM.

[ponygirlcurtis]

better, scratch that, he's graduated from Duplo-flinging to eating my (quite expensive) No7 night cream and smearing it all over the place. No more MNetting for me till later, bring back the cling-on!!!!!

[TisILeclerc]

colin tonight will either be mojitos or desperados.

[MissAliceBand]

Hello

Is it ok to join this thread, I am just beginning to realise that my marriage is not a very good one.

I still think that a lot of it is my fault but am starting to realise that my husband doesn't always treat me very well and that I need to do something about it.

That's as far as I have got though, I am feeling a bit helpless and hopeless. I need to suck it up and deal with it but I am really struggling.

I hope this is the right thread

[Funnyfishface]

Pony- thank you. I know I need to try and stay away from any physical contact. I just messes with my head. You are right.

Miss Alice - welcome this is the right thread. You will get lots of support here.

Pink - wow your message sent chills down me. I thought one of my friends had posted. How many others thought that? You are a very good friend.

Am hanging in here. Stress levels through the roof. But it's early days. Only cried once today.... For an hour lol

[FairyFi]

welcome Miss for you being in this position, but very glad you have found this place to come to for consolation and very importantly validation and support. Just keep reading and posting as you feel ready to...

oh (((hugs)))) for crying FFF hang on in there hun, I've been crying loads and lots since, and its unannounced and sporadic, short, long, but I've been assured it comes to an end [hopeful face] xxx

tis I suspect if mojitos, then desperado s will be sure to follow! have a great time lovely.. .have one 6 for me xxx

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Miss welcome to the thread, although sorry to hear you're having problems. This is definitely the right place to be.

FFF I avoid the physical contact as well - I found the crying was worst when someone asks how you are. Or after dcs are in bed, as I'm tired and more apt to let go a bit then.

Tis ooooo mojitos. As I sit here with a glass of water. Hmmm...

pony I must be doing something wrong - I haven't even noticed how close to on-time EH is for visits. I haven't really paid much attention. I don't give dcs a definite time anyway, to avoid nagging. And I agree, labelling the behaviour seems more specific, with an overall point that it's all abusive.

Fi I had to read that a couple times before I got it.

mink yes, between everyone on here and my RL friends, I've had a fair bit of support thank goodness. Not from my family but I haven't told them - as I know they wouldn't be supportive anyway. I think it's been a bit less stressful for me in that it's been fairly straightforward and amicable since we split. I have been through nasty breakups before - they are so stressful and just seem to drag out forever. I hope everyone's FW that is being aggressive and nasty during the breakup will tire of it soon - it's just so much energy focused on something that is of no benefit, isn't it?

pink just be there, supportive and don't let things be minimised. My closest friend has been a massive rock to me throughout for just these things.

Sorry anyone I missed. Hope everyone is okay and most of all - safe!

[WinnieFosterTether]

Bounty my copy of the Boundaries book just arrived this week. Someone on MN had recommended it on another thread. I haven't started it yet but I definitely need help with boundary setting.

I'm sorry your counsellor made you feel bad. At one point, mine commented that nsdh must be unhappy with the uncertainty in our relationship, and it made me . I automatically felt sorry for him. Yet when I thought about it, I decided the uncertainty wasn't making him unhappy because he didn't feel uncertain. He feels everything is fine as long as I don't make any demands on him.

I wonder if (in some cack-handed way) the counsellors are just trying to make sure that we are sure so we won't be swayed when we leave?! If not, then they are just exhibiting a complete lack of understanding of EA.

[spudalicious]

Damn, this thread is too fast moving for me.

MissAlice - I found it useful to do a list of things that disturbed me about my relationship to truly start to understand the dynamics. Doing a bit of reading around abusive relationships was helpful too.

Counsellors can be really non-understanding of EA issues I think. My daughter is seeing one at school now to help deal with her dad's behaviour. Although she is good at helping DD set boundaries and I am in total accord with her approach a couple of her suggestions for me are mad. Ex regularly rows/shouts/swears at handover - I said I'd be minimising that by minimising handover time/getting someone else to do it/considering contact centre and she said maybe it would be better to agree to discuss things at another time with him and that would make him behave better. I think she was struggling to understand that this wasn't discussion that was escalating into an argument perpetuated by both parties, but a screaming rant-fest that cannot be stopped by any behaviour on my part.

Patricia Evans is v good on this I think.

[TisILeclerc]

Alice desperados

[betterthanever]

winnie I am rubbish with boundaries too - the girls on here were advising me the other week and it hit me just how bad I am. Would be interested to hear how you get on with the book.

[betterthanever]

pony how is your cling on lol mine is in my room, when he actually has two rooms himself at the moment as he is moving from baby box room to the spare...and I have had no time to move the other half most of his things yet..
off to get for me not DS

[bountyicecream]

Sorry for disappearing last night. Poorly DD. Not very poorly but needed me to sit with her in bed rather than MN.

I feel a bit clearer.

Both my parents have emailed me. I think they are feeling awful as they recommended the counsellor and i think (secretly - they've never hinted at this) that they thought it would be a positive thing. Maybe it is. It's certainly got me thinking! I emailed the counsellor and said a little of how I was feeling. She said I need to phone her to talk a bit more as that was not what she was suggesting etc and so does not want me having to live thinking these things for 3 weeks which is when I can next see her. sadly the conversation prob won't be till Monday as H is home tonight (soon - hence quick email)

My Mum asked me how I'd feel if I didn't take the house. The answer is 'trapped' so I'm definitely still collecting the keys this week. And I'll definitely still move my parents stuff in. just probably not my few things as I guess he'd notice if the fridge was gone

But I'll see and watch and think how this weekend goes. I'm not going to drink any alcohol so that if there are any issues I can just drive straight to my parents.

That feels like a good decision. Am also going to read the book more if I can so that I can read the whole thing. it is possible that the excerpt I read was out of context and reads differently in the whole thing.

Also I suppose really there are only 3 decisionsa - stay the same, stay but insist on change or go. There aren't any options. And i guess she'd also be a rubbish counsellor if she listened to me and said 'you should leave'. After all only i can decide that.

Thanks for listening,

Not long until he's home but welcome to the new faces and i'll catch up soon