Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[FairyFi]

oops x-posted Sweetpea when its over so's the exhaustion! I'm hoping for this!

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

babyseal I don't believe it's the "he is just so hearbroken he can't help himself" for a minute. It's manipulation. DCs are easy targets and almost guaranteed to get mum's attention. It sounds like he's trying to get to you through guilt. What sort of an adult puts that kind of pressure on his DCs?? Someone who is only worried about his own agenda, that's who.

EH made one slip up in that regard towards DC right when we were splitting, and I jumped all over it. I made it very clear I was not happy about it and it was cruel to the DCs. He hasn't done it since. If he had continued to do that, I would have stopped visits until he managed to get himself under control. I am not subjecting them to anymore horrible behaviour.

I'd be willing to bet he's not all "sobbing and heartbroken" when he speaks to your Dad.

Silvery and Fi I'm not overdoing it, really. I just had so many things I had to take care of due to the separation, plus other things that kept cropping up, I had very little time the last few weeks to get the cleaning and just re-organising that I wanted to do around the house. So now I'll be waving my mop and duster, and cleaning in preparation to doing some sprucing up in the house. Painting, DIY, decorating. (and the work on the garden - I'm tempted to hire it out tbh). It's all good.

EH has been much better than expected. I was worried that things were going to be nasty, but so far it's been straight forward and cooperative.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

lol babyseal I still haven't sorted my own house yet. My room is so cluttered I can barely get through it - in an effort to make the rest of the house nice.

[FairyFi]

good to hear Alice sprucing up home energies...

I think you're right wrt the using DCs to get to you. I was completely shocked to realise that he still wanted to engage with me in any way after the events of the separation, but he did and constantly bemoans his lot to DC, how much he misses, loves, etc. poor him, cruel nasty abusive mummy. yeah right! I think not too cynical of you, I think a reality with these FWs. The pushing the forcing goes on.... well it will if you let it you did good with the cutting off IME

[FairyFi]

seal

[minkembernard]

waves to all.
wish I had any advice to offer re. sol. we skipped that bit.

bounty sending your strong vibes for your resolution.

am about to start sorting through kids toys myself as phase 1 on my resolution.

[Funnyfishface]

Hi everyone.

I'm ok thanks.

Yesterday was VERY difficult. I had a nasty panic attack in the morning. Which would normally knock me off kilter for a week. It lasted about 20 minutes and was truly terrifying. But I got through that.

Visited my friend in hospital. She has a severe case of pneumonia. I cleaned her house, sorted the garden and did her laundry. So I was busy all day. After visiting drove home (an hours drive).

H was just collecting his last few belongings. He was very nervous talking to me. But we did talk. For a few hours. He said he didn't want to lose me. Still loved me. It made me cry. And I couldn't stop. I made dinner for him and DS. He held my face, kissed me and left.

No contact since.

I'm exhausted. Feel like I could sleep for a week.

[FairyFi]

... the same Alice, sadly been using my room as the dumping ground to clear the rest of the house too bout that!

[Noregrets78]

Already totally can't keep up! But babyseal I really relate to what you're saying, and posted something similar on a separate thread myself. Your FW might be the exception... But generally no, they're not falling apart, they're playing the guilt trip as yet another form of manipulation.

I figure this phase will pass and I shall await the next one... I only wish they could see that the kids suffer. Do they figure seeing the kids hurting hurts us too? Is that why they do it? Twisted souls.

[FairyFi]

oh my FFF stay strong hun... hope you have a really long energising sleep tonight and get the rest you deserve after all that physical and emotional energy use.

[betterthanever]

Hi everyone - FFF it sounds exhausting but I found when I was having panic attacks it was best to work off the adrenalin and then rest. Hope you feel much better tomorrow.
Hi everyone I have not chatted to before....
Charlotte I know our situations are different but my advice would be to try and get some advice on line before you sit in front of another sol if you can. Mine is actually being ok this week but really they should not have been handling my case as it is very different from what they usually do. I don't know your back story I am behind the last thread and been running around like a loon. If you can get some info on line you may be able to narrow your concerns/questions and check they have the expertise. My case is only about DS we have never been married but I know so much more now than I did and wish I could start again.. I did ring someone else for a second opinion in the beginning and have found that they are all very abrupt and over confident iygwim.
We are at big statement time - had heard on here on legal thread you should keep it to 2 pages - mine is many, many more. It has been very upsetting reading it all through and thinking that is what I went through, I need to box it off and move on but can't yet. Cross examination time in a couple of weeks, I am sure once I have done it once I will be ok but at the time it will be hell. Mustn't look at FW or I will throw up.

[sweetpeasunday]

seal, agree it is manipulation, FWex used dc once in a different way, but it was so breathtakingly low, I could not believe he had done it.

FFF, more handholding.

What is it with the clearing? I too will spend the summer clearing out, starting to sort the house. It is like the house has silted up with stuff, because I was not allowed to spend time on my house at the weekends (otherwise what was the point of him coming?). Not sure if it is realistic to make clearing out my thread resolution, the threads move too fast.

fi, here is hoping for peace, at the moment, I feel like it won't stop, not completely, all I am doing is putting up barriers and he is constantly looking for a way through.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

fff, all that in one day sounds very draining; understandable that you feel shattered. Are you able to take time for yourself now?

better, thanks. I've done a bit of reading up since my first sol experience, but need to motivate myself to do some more. Once I've planned a party for ds's birthday coming up, I'll be able to concentrate on that again, hopefully!

[betterthanever]

seal I think he is using DC to get to you, he will not see it as hurting DC he will see it as some how benefiting them in his mind..what it really is, is him by whatever means he can, meeting his own needs. Holding your hand - I think it is great that you have told your Dad. One thing my friends in RW find strange is how much my exp doesn't want people not to like him yet continues to do wrong.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

babyseal, handholding and for you. Ikwim, you could walk away from the computer, but if you know it's coming, you just want to know how bad it is!

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Ikwym, that is!

[betterthanever]

Charlotte it is a minefield isn't it, exhausting and quite depressing doing the research. Maybe post on the legal thread on here.