Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Morning, have a busy week catching up from the distruption of last week really.
Fox it concluded after hours with a S7 and some indirect court ordered, if DS tells caf the same as me then it should stop. Only back just before Christmas so taking a couple of weeks break before I say anything to DS who is settling again so not looking forward to him having to be distrupted again but nothing I can do about it.
FW was ranting in court I managed to zone out - it is scary he is so angry hopefully that will show when caf speak to him.
Dillie agree with not liking weekend = daddy and I am pretty sure he will get bored of that anyway. Do what you think is right for DD please don't let him decide. I think the EOW helps the routines of young DC, I can see how she likes being in her old house with old friends but that is just another way he has manipulted things.

Dillie I wasn't on last night but in reply, I also think that you are not in any way being selfish by wanting to spend time with your own daughter. In fact, it's really important that you get to have weekend time with her, or else you are doing all the routine stuff during the week and getting no quality time with her at all. The usual is alternate weekends, would that not work better for all of you? When my FW split from his first wife, he had his DDs (my DSDs) every weekend. And they hated it. He thought he 'owned' them, and as they got older they missed out on a lot of stuff - friends' parties, sleepovers, doing normal weekend stuff with friends. Not to mention that they struggled to get quality time with their mum and two younger brothers. I cannot say strongly enough that I think it was damaging to them to see their Dad every single weekend. And for your DD, if the house (eventually) gets sold, then he'll be moving to somewhere with no friends nearby.

better, so glad it is out the way for you and you can have a bit of undisturbed time. Thank you for the update. I am thinking he sounds like a man who is not emotionally mature and if he is ranting and angry, that will count (eventually) in your favour. But what a long journey to travel. It sounds like the best you can do is build up other areas of your life, so that DS has a secure base to deal with this from, and not let this take over. And build up his confidence in other ways. I do not know what strategies you can teach him to deal with the stress, but even recognising it is a stress, and allowing him to express his feelings to you and to the authorities, is going to help. I wish you all the best.

Dillie, I missed the bit about it being at the old house. Then it is not to do with him, he is presenting it that way. Arrange friends over at the new place, do sleepovers, include her friends in the days out you have. That will soon be more fun than playstation. And go for alternate weekends, with a weeknight.

Thanks fox I think your advice is very good. I am glad the summer holidays are coming, I can't afford a holiday or much time off work due to days being taking at court etc. but we have a few really good days out planned. I think helping him recognise it is stress is one I have missed, I should actually point out why I think he is acting up but then I have tried to avoid focussing on it too much and scared court will say that is not what I should be doing. I feel a bit paranoid that every word I say to DS is going to be scrutinised. I felt like I had betrade DS having his words said to me in confidence put in a statement and sent to people. It's a hard line to tread.

better, I recognise I am coming at this from a point of little experience, but one of the most helpful things someone said to me about my on-going situation, especially re the anxiety, is that bad feelings are part of life. They are okay and they are there for a reason, whether that be to protect you, to let you know you need to rest/take time out or you need to balance the bad feelings with something good.

That is why I think naming the feelings (you don't need to be specific about the trigger, if that is a concern, just focus on the feeling) and talking about ways of dealing with them might be helpful. Or turn it round, and help him think of ways to feel calm. Look at it as a life skill (one I wish I knew earlier), which may help diffuse some of your anxieties around the court.

I absolutely feel for you and your DS

Well put fox and thank you for taking the time to offer advice and support, it is much needed and very much appreciated. I like that and will try it. You are right about not being specific about the trigger, I had never thought of it that way. There are so many aspects to all this aren't there but similar tools seem to be useful to help with a lot of it. I think they need to teach it in school.

Hi can I just offload here. I'm so tired- just booked my h's tickets along with ds (first time he'll be away from me - but I'm going the last few days to ensure ds comes back, obviously). it's been hell and i've booked these tickets so why does h come rocking back into home reminding me that he'd fucking forgotten that I needed to start paying 50/50 all bill and shit. I work part time. Can't do it. He does zero parenting and zero education etc.
No need for answers because I'm at work the next few days.

And I know the answers.

Can anyone help wehaveourlifeback over on AIBU. Thread about moving but poster is worried about mail redirection giving away her new location. She need reassurance about this and her situation in general. Sorry I don't know how to mark threads.

hi giveit and northlight welcome.
have been over to that thread but cannot offer much but hand holding. thank you for pointing it out hopefully someone with more relevant experience will be along soon.

i am heading for bed but did not want to go without saying hi. keep posting.

re (wehaveourlifeback she is moving away from VA and PA neighbours. a whole gang on FWs instead of just one to deal with. could maybe do with some positive words about the resilience of dcs, something which many of us are lucky enough to see every day

mink what's the thread title? I had a look in AIBU but could see it, a search for the OP name came up with a thread from about a month ago about an imminent move, but can't find anything from this week.

It's quiet here the last few days! Hope everyone is ok. I think the sunshine does make even FWs slightly more pleasant to be around.

I'm slowly crawling towards the point of going but it is slow progress. But a million baby steps make a mile and all that.

Hello lovely ones. Sorry I've been awol. Life has been full throttle. I feel like I haven't had time to do anything at all. But quieter times from now re work - however, doc has put me in for procedure on Friday out of the blue. Don't feel I can cope this quickly. I'll call them tomorrow and see what can be organised for next week instead.

Sorry I feel like I'm jumping in and not reading because it moves so quickly and I haven't had time to sit and read through properly. So love and good wishes to all sufferers anyway xxx

This house I saw a while ago - over budget but lovely and near friends and school. Wel, it got snapped up by someone else and I was a bit gutted. I told myself if it came free by some freakish chance again, I should grab life and go for it. So, I found out today, it's free. But I have holiday planned with fw and dcs which would be hard to shelve as dcs so happy and excited about it.

I am secretly putting in place D petition ready to hand over when we get back. Should I just stick with that and see how things roll on from there? Or take house ready for when we get back and just bite the bullet re expense (just hauling ourselves out of debt so feels scary sinking back again). I feel a future me would say (or in fact scream) Go Girl! But I am scared! One of the reasons I like the house is that it is as nice as the one we're in (in that it's just nice, cosy and with nice garden, and had been worried about dcs being put off from my moving with them by kind of down grading IYSWIM?)

Recently I have been feeling like I'm going mad. I've frequently been hating myself and almost wishing for extinction but not really IYSWIM. Really bad down-ness, really awful. I feel booting myself out of my home could be kill or cure. What do you think????

Hi bounty sorry xpost!

God, I do know what you mean about millions of baby steps. Now I have chance of giant leap forward - do I have guts to take it??? Oh God, so scared and undecided.

I suppose I could hedge bets by putting down holding deposit. It's an organisation not an individual that owns house, so wouldn't feel quite so guilty if I didn't go. Part of me thinks STBXFW might march out in giant huff when I present D petition anyway, so am I pre-empting by taking another house. But can't present petition till after holiday in case he seizes dcs in revenge (he's from overseas).

PS I'm posting like a bus, none for ages then several at once

breathe, my lovely, as before I think your horrible low thoughts could be liked to being in such close quarters with FW. If a future you would want you to take the house, you must think it is suitable. Go for it. Whatever the sitauation in the house is, it can't be worse than living with FW. Go, and do the divorce at more of a distance.
Altho, part of me says - if you have any suspicion at all that he'll seize DCs, don't let them go... I know they'll be furious and upset. But what's worse?
You sound like things are really really tough right now for a change. Wish I could come down and help! I am travelling down from Scotland to Cambridge in a few weeks, are you on the way...?

Hello pony I think your thoughts are true and wise. I keep thinking, if I won the lottery, I would go instantly. So I should do it, as that's an indication I'm using money as excuse (though real reason too of course)

I'm not really worried about seizure of dcs but feel it might add into mix if I told him before holiday.

Thank you so much for thinking of me. I am a bit further on than Cambridge unfortunately. I will PM you. xxx

liked???? linked.....

Money is a real reason. But if you suspect it would be fine, go for it. When I was looking for rental places, I kind of knew what my financial limit was even though it wasn't tested.

But seriously. If you suspect DC snatching, then put something in place before he takes them, with the lawyer I mean. Better safe than sorry.

Hi everyone. Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading your posts.

Welcome to the newbies.

Thinking of you all. 5 weeks since h left and I'm hanging in there.

Keep hanging, FFF. Am here if you need to vent.

Keep hanging from here too FFF. I'm also around for a bit if you need to vent. First non work day for ages tomorrow. I plan to take dcs to school, then ignore dirty house and go to bed with book, ahhhh!

breathe, here is what someone said to me about feeling so low at the end of my marriage, which is do not wish for extinction, to use your words, till you have tried other options.

Thank you, fox. Those are wise words

breathe i am with pony. get your bold hole ready...D papers and then bolt...if you think it is perfect then it will be earth it in the long run. if FW does more out then give the other place notice. it sill only be a few months.
what price happiness.