Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

rose you have had a Dark Night of the Soul moment, these can be transforming. It is a hard, hard realisation that your man is a cocklodger, I know this first hand, but it took me decades to realise it.

The future beckons: your house and course, a whole new life :)

pony mink alice you're all right, it's so obvious when you hear it from the outside. It's exactly the same about his issues getting a job when we were together. He wants me to take his word for it that he's tried all he can, and would get very angry when I said 'but what about this one...' You're spot on alice with your comments - he's Lundy's 'Mr Right' with many others mixed in, and can't stand when I question him.

You're absolutely right I need to not get involved. Unfortunate as I looked last night and found all sorts of options for him... But he's perfectly capable of finding them himself!!

rose mine was also a cocklodger, it's so depressing. Personally I felt very stupid for continuing to support him, and even worse when everyone said I brought it on myself for continuing to support him, rather than forcing him to become independent. At least you've seen it for what it is. Don't feel guilty, concentrate on your wonderful new life you have lined up - he's a grown up, and needs to fend for himself.

I left my abusive H five months ago, after months of cheating verbal abuse, sexual abuse, threats and death threats. At times I still feel devastated, I am so homesick and he is doing a good job of delaying my divorce proceedings. I started thinking I will end up with nothing. Sometimes I feel weak enough to go back to him mainly because i miss my home so much but I have somehow managed no contact for five months. I am convinced he will manipulate the law to somehow get everything for himself. I have a teenage DS, he is with me. How can I be stronger and happier?

kaykat you are doing so well, it will get easier. You've been through hell it's not surprising your head is all over the place. The wonderful ladies on here are so full of amazing advice, I'm sure someone will come along with far better nuggets than I can come up with.

You're not weak to want to go back to him - it's actually understandable, and part of the process. Rather, you're strong for not following through with that, seeing how destructive it would be. No contact for 5 months I'm really impressed.

Hi Noregrets and thanks. The thoughts of returning are due to missing my home, not him, so thats good i suppose and frustration with the legal process.

no hope you don't think I am ignoring you! My FWEx, although a cocklodger, managed to convince a number of friends that he had to be at home for the kids as I was ill! Even when I was working, and kids were in teens, and then were young adults. Only a v few know how much of a cocklodger he was, so no-one said it was my fault for not pushing him to work, instead I believe many think Poor Bloke for having to put up with me!

kaycat do you have a good solicitor? It took a year from deciding to divorce for us to divorce and then settle, and then for him to go. Hugely stressful, but my depression went overnight when I issued petition, and solicitor was absolutely brilliant (as of course was this thread)

Just a flyer as off to a sporting activity with DS. Well done no it is so hard isn't it but with these ladies on here you can do it. Next step as the others have said is to not be responsible for his housing, you can do it strong lady.
Kay I am so sorry you have to be here but you will get some wonderful advice. The great people on here are helping me get through so much. The legal process is soul destroying I am involved too at the moment. Do you not like where you live now? is there anyway you could see a new home as a fresh start for you and DS?
rose keep strong, the others have offered great advice but I wanted to add that this feeling is probably as you are allowing yourself to feel what is real again, it is a good sign. Get all the hurt out and then you are free - there are nice people waiting for you in your new life and you deserve your new wonderful life ahead.

Remind me to rant about Charles Sachi later..... to issue a statement saying he doesn't physicially abuse Nigella has to sum FW's up eh!! there are even photographs and he denies it....

My solicitor seems very slow but maybe thats normal and says we have to follow the correct process one step at a time. I am living with family, they are lovely and great fun for DS. I miss having my own space and I had a lovely house and a lovely garden which I miss very much and I left behind all my possessions, literally walked away from 20 years of my life.

Hi everyone, just wandered over here because I have been thinking through stbxh behaviour to work through the ins and outs of his behaviour, keep me strong and fend off the occasional fuckwittery that mutual friends (who see stbxh as a considerate, generous, principled, sociable and lovely man). I have just placed an order for Lundy and a couple of other books.

Kay my divorce went through as quickly as poss, but it still took from Sept 2011 to Feb 2012 to reach absolute. FW refused to supply financial info, so in March 2012 I had to start court proceedings over settlement (no pensions to speak of, and kids grown, this was why I could proceed to absolute at first opportunity after nisi). Settled in May, he was gone by August (he had no money to move out till settlement completed)

I actually found his dragging of the feet quite useful in a way, as it gave me time to really think things through at every stage. Any seemingly good ideas I had for action, I made myself go Not Yet, so that I could work out any unexpected consequences or possible FWittery.

It seems long, but you will get there.

I think my STBXH will refuse to give his financial info too. He thinks he can stop me divorcing him. My petition hasn't even gone to the court yet thanks to his games. I have this horrible feeling he will get everything his own way, he always has, prides himself on winning every battle and he's had plenty of battles over the years.

Slippery, I had mutual friends like that, suffice to say they are not mutual friends any more. Even when they saw through his lies they remained supportive of him. I decided I could do without people like that in my life.

No I am exactly the same, I take it upon myself to find solutions that other people really ought to be taking responsibility for. It just leads to getting yourself all tangled up in it. I know you want to help, but you need to take a step back, for your own sake. It feels selfish and awkward at first, but it's quite liberating!!!

Kaykat - 5 months out, fantastic. It's still early days for the emotional rollercoaster. Is there any chance of you renting something until the divorce process has gone through? That could give you some space and you could retrieve some of your possessions for your new place.
Regards the divorce - he might win on somethings, but he wont win on everything. It may be a case of picking your battles - I had to agree to some financial stuff I wasn't happy about, but if I hadn't FW would have screwed me over for even more money, so I had to suck it up. He won that argument, but I still got more or less what I wanted in the end (all I wanted was fair treatment).

Interesting... Have you seen the news that Charles Saatchi is apparently divorcing Nigella now, blaming this whole situation on her? Classic FWittery!!!!!!! Whatever the reason behind it, I am glad that she is now out of that relationship.

silvery I wouldn't think you were ignoring me any more than I was ignoring you! Just not possible for everyone to reply to everyone.

kaykat I don't know the ins and outs, but however much he messes you about, there's nothing to stop you submitting the divorce petition to the court. My FW then refused to sign the papers, ripped them up, kicked them around etc. I immediately got a process server to serve the papers on him - there are ways and means - he can't prevent you from divorcing him.

Waiting for the police to arrive to take a statement on the abusive phone calls. FW is being nice as pie. I'm dreading the backlash when he gets a visit from them, he'll be fuming and will have to turn to more underhand ways to get his revenge.

It has been quiet on here today, I hope that means the sunshine has put fwitery to one side for a day.
pony it really does just sum up what a FW Saatchi is.. Nigella I hope you are reading this, you are so well rid and you keep your dignified silence.
kay when they have won so many battles it is hard for Fw's to realise that courts are not so easily manipulated the lovely bounty on here put me straight on that last week - how right she was. It will take longer than you would like but you are already freer than you were - hold tight, the house and garden will be back and he will no longer be in your new home.
No he may not get a visit from them and if he does and retaliates against you/your friend they will be straight on him. Hope it goes ok.
slippery your own truth is all that matters, you are in a good place. I have never looked back.
Need another early night but just had to come on and say hi...

Hi ladies, just checking in. I have been lurking on the quiet.

I hope you are all OK. I need a bit of advice.

I am now 2 months free of fw and its been a bit of a rollercoaster! My dd (7) misses her dad which I know is normal, but it hurts a lot as I know I have caused the situation.

She sees him 3 weekends a month and stays for 2 nights. On the weekend she is with me, I do my utmost to make sure we do things together and have fun.

He still lives in the marital home (twunt still has not put it up for sale, even though I have technically paid my part of the fees by paying for childcare during the summer hols and telling him not to worry about the cost, as it is the same as the agent fee so we are quits) so she plays with her old friends a fair bit. He does nothing with her when she is there other than play PC games. I even gave him some cash to make sure she has a trip out with him.

Anyway building up to the weekends she has been with me, she has been pretty upset. I put this down to her getting used to the routine.

DD told fw this and today after dropping her home, he said DD wants to chat to you about an extra weekend. He said I haven't coerced her or anything, she just asked.

She later asked and said daddy is OK for me to stay with you when nanny visits or we go there (she lives 160 miles away), or if we have plans.

Just don't know what to do. I so look forward to our weekends, but I can't stop her from seeing him just because I want to spend extra time with her can I?

I told my mum this and she thinks I should keep it the way it is. But that feels very selfish.

Rock and a hard place :(

I hope everyone is OK. x

Hi Pony I just want a fair settlement too but he told me he will make sure I get nothing. I know that is not possible legally but I can't help thinking he has something illegal up his sleeve, then it will be a civil matter etc.. At the moment he is just delaying in every way possible. I don't even know if I can get any possessions, the solicitor says I can't prove what's mine and whats his.

I dont know whether to go to CSA, I could potentially get a large amount of financial support from him but I am concerned he may try for custody simply to avoid paying. He is totally motivated by money. At the moment he isn't interested in seeing DS and it has done DS a power of good to be away from him, i know its not the done thing to say that but it's true. What do you all think? Has this happened to any of you?

Hi Dillie, he probably coerced or bullied her into saying that. I agree with your mum. Three weekends with him is a lot, don't give up your only weekend. She probably thinks the lack of boundaries is fun but that doesn't mean it's best for her. You are not being selfish.

Kaykat, my fw did this to me. Said I would get nothing.

I plucked up the courage to phone the CSA and they were fantastic. He is legally obliged to support his child. If he doesn't then they will make sure he does.

The CSA put the hebbie jeebies up my fw and he is contributing a small amount until the house is sold. (Bit of a sore point that one!)

Fortunately for my dd, fw wants to see her. For me however it isn't all plain sailing as my previous post.

Call the CSA, the chap I spoke to was lovely.

As for custody, that will be something your solicitor will advise, but it would be v unlikely he would win.

Dillie, it is not selfish. The norm would be alternate weekends, and your dd might find that routine easier, rather than thinking weekend =daddy time. Also, you did not cause the split if the relationship was abusive, so no need to feel guilty.

Sorry I have been away so not caught up. Feeling a bit fragile, so do not want to dive back in to the thread just yet. But remembered better, how did it go? If you do not want to rehash it, no worries, I will look back in a bit.

Hope everyone is okay

Sorry, dillie, meant to add, would a weekday evening work, so, alternate weekends with a weekday evening, so it is not less time, but a more rounded picture of life, ie he would also do one day of school run, and you would both get the same weekend time.

Hi all... police visit went well. They phoned him while they were here - he started off saying he hadn't made any threats, but then was very remorseful. I think the warning will do its job in the short term, but I don't trust him as far as I could throw him!

dillie I think it's a FW classic to get DD to ask about it, or to make the decision. He really needs to speak to you to ask to vary the arrangements, rather than going through DD. IMO you're not being selfish at all to want one weekend out of 4, and DD is too young to be picking and choosing which to stay with - puts a lot of pressure on her to choose. He may not have coerced her in the traditional sense, but guilt trips, over promising, saying 'mummy won't mind' is all getting her on side to agree with him. Not on.

dillie I think definitely keep your weekend. There are some things that only happen at weekends so you don't want to give them up totally. I agree that alternate weekends plus an extra week night could be a better arrangement all round as there is a greater frequency of visits and also not a 2 week stretch over your weekend when she doesn't see her Dad. But I think all this needs time to bed in. It is a change for her but she will get used to it and ultimately will reap the benefits of not witnessing an abusive relationship whilst growing up.

rose it will get better. Mine was also a cocklodger. Meals, rent, broadband, mobile phone. You name it, I paid for it. When I caught him out with his OW, I could see the sheer panic in his face - partly I think at getting caught out but partly because he had to find an alternative means of living. I feel so much better than I did when I was with him - knowing I was his cash cow was soul destroying. I feel a little bit crap about the rejection but actually, EVERY time he asked for money, every time he wanted to go out and me to pay a little bit of me died inside.

Different to you, we did have sex, alot...well I say have sex, it was basically him masturbating with real life porn. He didn't do connection like a normal human being and he didn't care about pleasing me.

As for going near a man, I have since and there was more intimacy in what ended up being a two night stand with a practical stranger than my actual relationship. I hope I find love again.

Hope it comes around for you again, and I'm sure it'll be better than your FW.

Hello to all xxxx