Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

quietly toasting the milestone just passed Pony yes, brings pause for thought... and celebrate with that champers & curry (like your styleee lady!) tomorrow.

mmm the headworker so effective in scrambling adult brain, but she is happier, freer now.. but he's still pressurising her he just doesn't get so much airtime anymore.

pony it was a bit of a jolt years ago when I had to sell my house, but I tried to look at it as something that was tying me down to XH. No mortgage means freedom to go where I choose.

just a minor edit there ... pressuring (throws away made up word)

sorry, I need to edit myself too, that should have read:
It must be so confusing for DCs to love someone yet not feel they can believe what they are saying

Gah.

You are right Alice, and that's what I will be toasting tomorrow, being financially free of him. And I do feel it gives me more options - I can keep renting, or look into buying, or if I want to retrain I have money available to do that now. or a big holiday!!! The world's my oyster!

Whoo Hoo pony home free, it sounds good to me... the celebration plans sound even better.

better thank you for saying I'm strong, I feel like a pathetic attempt of a Mum, not able to protect her child!

Charlotte the 'good secrets' is a really good tip. i think I've said something like this to her in the past. I can tell when i've finally said the right thing when she stops asking lots and lots of questions and instead looks finally peaceful, I think this will work.

fairy Yes sounds exactly the same. I'm trying to keep my eye on the long game, trust that she will eventually see that I was the one with her best interests at heart, not the evil one.

pony I'm excited for you. Once I've bought out FW I'll be selling the house, I could buy another one but I'm dying to rent again, and feel free.

No it would be far easier for you to just let it carry on and not even choose not to notice it is happening. To face it, is a very brave thing AND a very difficult thing to do. Get as much support as you can to carry on.
It is this fact that is driving me crazy at the moment. I looked at the court officials this week and I thought `can you not tell that putting myself through this is the hard option and I must therefore have real concerns'.... but they for some reason presume not and FW gets the benefit of the doubt all the time. The system need to change and more support for mothers and children needs to be established instead of money wasted allowing FW's to do as they please. This is not in the children's best interests. My therapists ( a couple of them over the years lol) keep telling me over and over that it is normal to feel I am a failure and it was FW wants me to feel but the fact I am standing up to FW shows I am not a failure and that is what he hates. FW got me to doubt myself it was how he could control me more. Gaining confidence again in my own abilities and instincts has been very, very hard. He is trying to do it to me again - he is very good at it and I need lots of help from people on here (oh wise ones) and books etc. I like the Lundy book for how it manages to explain things that nice, normal people don't understand because it is out of the norm.

reading about the FWs lying and manipulating the dcs. FW told ds the other night that I wanted to leave and then asked where did ds want to live?!
He's such an arse!
ds being pre-school was just very confused by it all. It all made me pause for thought as I realised FW is going to make this as damaging as possible for ds rather than trying to make it as easy as possible. However, living with a father who is EA is also incredibly damaging. I feel so guilty for giving him such a crap dad.
I had a mini-deadline I'd set for this week regarding paperwork for moving out and I took the first few steps but then FW made me rethink. I'm disappointed in myself now that I've lost a week. Maybe I can catch up tomorrow. Sorry, I realise that all seems rather cryptic but I'm scared it would out me if I went into more detail.

ah winnie I could have written that myself! Where on earth does your FW get off, asking a pre-school child where they would like to live.

All my earlier issues are now out of the window, as FW has once again phoned, ranted, and ended up with a threat. This time 'If I crack, and I mean really crack, you're on my list along with your best friend'. I've taken the plunge this time and reported to 101, they're coming to take a statement tomorrow. My poor friend is really bearing the brunt, I'm sure this is above and beyond the call of duty.

oh gawd No are you ok? thats awful, well done for phoning it in.

Was gonna say the same to you Winnie about Fw actuallly asking DS!!! [aghast] but then also not so abnormal for a common or garden FW!! cos they is such FWs! but he is entirely responsible for being so shit, and none of it is to do with you.... therefore HIS guilt, most definitely not yours. Just because he won't take the guilt doesn't mean anyone else should, certainly not you lovely. Hopeyou get that cryptic paperwork caught up. no matter you can't say specifics, more important your anonymity.

xxx

oh wow!!!!!!!!!

hurrah! for you and your DD, what great news Rose yay!

freedom awaits.. how amazing... xxxx

pony and fi thank you so much for support xxxx I am on a rollercoaster but my dm arriving was helpful - poor lady, I took her to the supermarket and ranted all the way. I felt so much lighter of heart (sorry for cliche but that's how it felt!) after rant. Bless her, she listened and supported wonderfully. I worry I'm putting too much on her but it's wonderful to have her on my side . Same goes for you lovely ladies out there on the ether. I would never have come to this enlightenment without you, I am so grateful to all of you.

I'm so sorry it's been all me me me in my recent posts. Just not coping at the mo. pony amazing on the 5:2 results, well done, lovely one I am well impressed!

Rose huge well dones from me re the house too, that's fantastic!

I will read and catch up more now. Big waves to lovely people out there xxxx

I just wonder Rose if you wondered why they call the book 'why does he do that' ????

Hate the headworker, have one of those, or did. Mad, sad and bad. Are you going to FP. I think it will help you unravel it all. It will build the picture for you far quicker than alone. Analysing it is the job right now!

Also had amazing support from Uni this week, finally picking up the phone to them months after hanging up on them.

Glad you have been doing some me me me posts Breathe you obviously needing that right now. I know you wouldn't want others to feel they must apologise for this when they need it, so neither must you lovely... take your space here, gosh you deserve it

(((hugs)))) and you have those a plenty in RL life; really lovely your mum is there to give you some support and understanding.. wonderful Breathe Mum xxxx

bloomingrose fantastic news. I think your feeling of relief for getting the house speaks volumes. You are well on the way to buliding a new life for you and your DD

breathe that is fab that your Mum is so supportive. Telling mine literally felt like a weight being taken off my shoulders. I'm feeling that rollercoaster. I'm swinging wildly from wanting to sit him down and say this is not working for me, despite your attempts to improve and giving him longer. Deep down I think I know that I need to leave so my sensible head says the longer I take the harder, but it is so difficult.

winnie I have a preschooler and my FW was exactly the same. We were having a conversation a few weeks ago once she was in bed and I basically said that I couldn't live with how things were and was leaving. He then said hang on lets go and wake up DD so we can sit her down ogether and explain what's happening ?!?!? She's not old enough to understand anyway, but yup waking her up so we do it when she's tired and angry - great idea FW

Strength to all this weekend. I find the FWery diminishes somewhat with the sunshine. Possibly just being able to be outside rather than cooped up in the house.

Noregrets well done for calling 101, that was brave. Has anyone been round yet?

Winnie - a week lost isn't much, in the scheme of things. Just hold onto that thought of what he said to DS, and use it to power you into action.

Rose that's fantastic news, I shall raise a glass of champers to you tonight. But yes, I found I spent a lot of time trying to understand and trying to get him to understand things from my POV. All time wasted, but I needed to try. It's a process, let your emotions guide you. (A bit woo, but hope you know what I mean - I mean don't try and force yourself to 'deal' and 'be better' too soon.)

Breathe so glad your DM is there - rant away my lovely, that's what people who love you are for. You need to get it out of you. And please don't think you aren't coping - you are doing magnificently, in the face of extreme FWittery. In a year's time you'll look back and wonder that you were able to function at all, given all that was going on. But you are, and doing more than that. Coping doesn't mean getting through it all as if it was a breeze. It means being human - struggling but getting on anyway, asking for and accepting help when it's needed. Big hugs xx

Right, I have a day to myself, the sun in shining, I am off to enjoy it!

Noregrets oh no! Well done for reporting it. He really needs to know from other sources that this is not appropriate behaviour.

Rose Wow! What wonderful news! and what a brilliant birthday gift for you!

You know, all of us at some point seem to be saying "is this really an abusive relationship?" or we downplay it somewhat. Think about it this way. The relationship you are in right now took a long time to develop, so you don't see how bad it is because it's gradual, to some extent. What if you were just dropped into it with no warning? If your FW was fine and wonderful one day, and then the next day was in all his FWittery. Wouldn't you be shocked? THAT is the difference IMO.

Bounty wake up your preschooler? good grief. FW made a fuss in front of our 6yo initially, but afterwards, apologised and so far hasn't done that particular thing again. It's aggravating - this is hard enough on the DCs without that.

FW texted to ask if it was still okay for him to come visit DCs today and I basically said depends on your behaviour. So we'll see. If it is dreadful again, then I will be revisiting this arrangement. I will find out how much it costs to go through a local child contact centre - talking to FW's wallet seems to get his attention quickly. Maybe it will clear it up for him.

rose that's such exciting news. you are deserving of that house - don't feel guilty - it's your time now for things to go right.

pony they're coming round tomorrow night to talk to me. He phoned me this morning to say sorry (although it was not easy eeking it out of him). He's really down, and can't see what the future holds. I was strong on the phone, but deep down I'm worried about him. I can feel myself getting sucked in.

I even considered talking to the police but asking them not to go and speak to him, but I know that's just because I'm sucked in.

My friend is saying that I bring it on myself because I answer the phone. I just can't work out what to do for the best. He usually has a genuine reason to want to talk to me, and every time I say I want to end the call, he reverts back to the genuine reason he rang. It keeps me on the phone, and I know the answer is to hang up. But we do have things we still need to talk about, it's so hard, and I'm starting to get sick of being judged, and made to feel pathetic. I have to keep reminding myself of how strong I've been, so I don't collapse on a sobbing heap on the floor.

Noregrets Can you have him contact you by email only? Then you can ignore the bile and simply answer (in your own time) the actual things that need to be discussed. And there's no hanging on the line, listening to him rant. (also one of two pluses involved - either he's stupid enough to put threats and nasty stuff in writing in which case you can print it and keep it for when it's needed, or he's smart enough NOT to put threats and nasty stuff in writing which means you don't need to see it)

He phoned me this morning to say sorry (although it was not easy eeking it out of him).

What do you mean eeking it out of him? If you have to prompt him and push him to say it, he certainly doesn't mean it.

I will at least give H credit - he apologised for his behaviour the other day and was pleasant the whole visit today. And coped fairly well with the DCs, although it was noted that he brought MIL along, so it was pretty much a given that he would behave in front of her. But all in all, a decent day, so I'm happy with that for now.

Glad today was ok, Alice (even if only because MIL was there). Do you think he brought her to force himself to behave?

Noregrets I second Alice's suggestion for email contact only, or text for more immediate arrangements. I know it's not easy to impose that rule, but you need some distance and some space so you can think clearly and not be sucked back in. If he's really down, what is he doing about it, how is he helping himself? It needs to be him sorting himself out, you can't do that for him, and you being there wont help him, it will just give him an excuse to keep doing nothing about his problems. (Plus it will make you miserable!)

The reason I mentioned it was mainly because that's how I'm trying to keep contact with H, except for on visit days. I can choose when to read or respond, and I can respond to what I want and ignore anything that is not nice. I didn't tell him, I basically just have been doing it. The few times that he rang, I was genuinely just too busy to talk, and told him to email or text me and I'd respond when I wasn't busy, and it went from there. I plan on keeping it this way, as it's less stressful.

pony doubt there was any conscious thought involved in that tbh. I think his mum just wanted to visit her grandkids.

Hi, guess i'm going to come and lurk for a bit and occasionally vent and ask for opinions...

The Mumsnet jury, and a couple of RL friends have said DP is EA. (well one said EQ one said was unhealthy). I'm not sure, he could be mildly EA or maybe just a twat. It doesn't need a label, I just need to work out if i'm happy or not and if this is what I want.

One of my obstacles is i'm pretty sure (after 13 years) that this is normal and any future relationship would be the same. I don't want to leave something that can be really good, and leave someone who I can be great friends with only to regret it.

Hes just picked a stupid row before he has gone out for the night ruining my chilled relaxing evening as i'm pissed off now. men. grrr.

Welcome skating. Is there any particular behaviour or issues that you are concerned about? Sadly, a lot of EA tends to follow a pattern, but it starts gradually so we often don't see it until either someone points out that it is not normal behaviour or until we've just "had enough" of all the aggro.