Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

bounty apparently (have just been googling) it's also called rainbow moonstone. And is said to bring good luck! I am liking this ring more and more!
www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/labradorite.htm
Am starting to think I should never take it off!

So tired, can anyone help? FW is really turning on my friend now, accusing her of gossiping, and making veiled threats through a 3rd party. She's responded 'robustly' in a way I could only dream of. But now FW is involving DD, has told her friend has been gossiping, and that she should keep her distance. Even worse, that this is a 'father daughter' thing that she shouldn't tell me.

DD is 9... She can't stay out of friends way, as she'll be with me! Especially if she's not allowed to tell me! So confusing for her, she's really stressed. Doesn't want me to talk to FW about it as she'll get in trouble. And I can't because then I'll lose the trust and she won't feel able to talk to me.

Aaaargh what do I do. Horrible to feel that I'm failing to protect DD. Just don't know what to do for the best. This is just the latest in a long line :-(

Oh noregrets that's awful, and so manipulative of him. Sending you big hugs. He should not be involving DD at all.

No regrets - I agree with pony.

I think you have done the right thing by your dd, not betraying her trust at this age. It's very important to her. Well done honey. It is absolutely exhausting. Hugs to you.

According to FWEx, (and a friend of mine who has done a law degree and should know better), solicitors are blood-sucking parasites who make up work so they can charge you!!

Well, my one wasn't

Also FW had no money and is tight as the proverbial. But, like I did, he could have paid sol after settlement was finalised and capital distributed (although I had to pay court fees as they arose). Thank goodness it was only money we had to sort, not kids. But I had to take him to court over it, as he refused to supply information. And when he replied to our Questionnaire (asking him, among other stuff, to supply details of how much money he paid to joint account from his paypal account) he a)sent reams of paypal printout, instead of the total - to make it hard for me and b) did not realise he also had to send qnnaire responses to the court for judge to look at. Sol had to write to him, asking for it in a more readable form, and dropping in a sentence about him copying it all to the court.

All of which was amusing and irritating simultaneously. Re exhaustion: this began to kick in the moment settlement was signed - I actually felt self beginning to drop off as it was being printed at sol - but had to pull self together as it took a further 3 months, till Aug last year, for him to actually go. (Some of you know that, before we got to that point, exhaustion and stress led to a v v brief episode of hypomania almost exactly a year ago)

Hello all, pony loving idea of ring . I think I'd also like an actual labrador I need someone unfailing true and cheerful in my life.

I am battling severe lows here, interspersed with periods of normailty. Having given up ADs nearly 2 months ago, this may not help, but I think the true problem is limbo.

It's been nearly a year since my deadline. I feel like a loser. I achieved so much when he blew up and I walked out, but then he manipulated dcs and tricked them back into family home, they wouldn't then leave but equally needed me desperately and of course above all else I will be with them come hell or high water so here I am, still separate under same roof, ignoring hoovering and bad nasty moods by turn.

Finished FP, still having counselling which is great. One positive is that I am excercising around 5 days a week (classes or circuits) which I've never done before.

But otherwise I'm lost. The smallest thing makes me weep. I sometimes hate myself and feel utter despair. He's got inside my head a bit in that although I am sticking to my guns and will never waver, he's made me feel like a bitch for wanting to split family: "I will tell kids whose idea this was" etc - though his violence and EA caused it. I hate myself sometimes for being such a bloody wimp and so wishy washy - if I was a strong person I would have fucked off long ago with kids and we'd be on road to recovery. Like I said, I hate myself at the moment

breathe my lovely, you have come so far, you are leaps and bounds from where you were. Go back and read your posts from a year ago, or six months ago.
But maybe go back to the doc, or start taking the ADs again. You stopped quite soon after you started, they take a few months to get into your system and take effect. I have been on mine about a year now. You don't need to feel this despair. Him threatening to tell the kids 'whose fault' it was that the family split is just a hollow threat - the kids will be able to see perfectly well for themselves, when they are old enough. Don't hate yourself lovely. I bloody loves you, I do!!!! (I might have had a bit of , but I still does, I do)

And with regards the guilt over not leaving sooner and saving the kids etc - I think that is something we all carry with us. Because we are mothers, and caring mothers, we feel it no matter how we are told that it is their fault for reeling us in. It's possible to know the truth (that it's not our fault) and feel the pain in a different way (ie for our kids).

Thank you pony I bloody loves you, too Your post brought tears to my eyes (in a good way!, told you I was a cry baby at the moment!) I was thinking about the ADs. I was worrying they may make me hold onto excess weight and worse, make me less traumatised and therefore less ready to leave or act.

I wish I had more drama and guts in me so I could whisk out like a more fiery woman might. Or that I would have a personaility change over night and wake up a feisty, take no prisoners, robust madam! (Not an actual madam you understand, though had considered that as career move sadly I don't think there'd be any takers!

Fly I have to say I'd choose a ring over a labrador any day, but that's just me. Less work, you know! Also, I left my first H years and years ago, and he continued to be abusive/stalking for over 10 years - trust me, DD worked out very quickly why the marriage broke down and where the fault lay. And I was careful for years not to badmouth him in front of her - only gave her enough info to keep her safe (he threatened to kidnap her and hide her away, so obviously she had to have SOME info). She has nothing to do with him now - does not consider him her father. Children are much more observant than we give them credit for, I think. (I often wonder if that's why it took me so long to peg the EA behaviour, as my first H was so awful that this took longer to register with me)

Silvery I think he may shoot himself in the foot with respect to the court process. Sounds like he doesn't realise he is going to irritate the judge unbelievably, which will be only to your benefit.

Fi sleep? very cool! You do sound more positive, sleep deprivation can be so awful! I'm struggling with it now and I know it really makes me edgy.

Pony it's a lovely ring. I think I might look into that as well, although a different ring, but I just like the idea of it. A "freedom" ring, so to speak. I hope you don't mind me borrowing your idea.

Noregrets How much does she know about the current DV situation or family situation? If she's 9, she must have some idea that something is not quite right. Would it be helpful to ask her how she is feeling and see if she brings it up? It might give you an opening to just explain to her that things are strained between you and FW right now, and that you understand she feels confused and stressed. Just let her know you are there for her to talk to and reassure her. As far as the friend goes, I would keep seeing her, give your daughter freedom to separate a bit from it all, so that she can honestly tell FW that she is doing what he wants. Just explain the situation to your friend that in order to ease the pressure right now on DD that you've given her permission to be a little distant with friend. I suspect that given time, DD will see that your friend means no harm and will relax a bit. In the meantime, she can honestly tell FW that while she obviously doesn't have any control over who you hang out with, she kept her distance as much as she could. Less pressure for her that way, I would hope. But FW should not be doing this. It's obvious that he feels threatened by your friend and is trying to isolate you from her - all the more reason to make sure he can't.

I am feeling a bit better today. FW texted to apologise yesterday and I ignored it. I wasn't prepared to get into a conversation on my "FW day off." Unless it's an emergency, there's just no reason to open up communication over anything on my "days off" - it can wait until a visit day. I'm going to make a new goal to ignore for the most part, and if he gets persistent, I will just say "we can discuss on X day" and leave it at that. I know this is one I will struggle with, but I have to try.

Charlotte the exhaustion is a point in the process. It starts to change hun, so glad you got bouyed up from your support worker.

Sometimes going to FP is just all too much, certainly there were many times I couldn't face it, and now I am doing catch up on the sessions I missed.

Hang on in there lovely. You know what you need, and he'll be gone soon. In the meantime, organise as much as you can just completely away from him. You need to hang on to the good drip drip dripfeed from FP and no more of his drip feed rubbish (about him, poor him) you've heard all you'll ever need to hear of that!

big (((hugs))) lovely lady. You keep going, get your rest and lean on others at every opportunity xxxx its gets better, something to rememberx

just been catching up on the posts I just badly x'd with

Breathe lovely lovely lady. I hope this morning you are feeling some stronger? Part of the recovery is this endless weeping, it does feel like all and everything when you are in it.

Well done for celebrating your regular exercise routine. Right now those are the sturdy pillars that you hang on to and to just keep you going, one baby step after the next. Whilst you are in this just keep tending to yourself, nurture and comfort at every turn. Ignoring him. Detaching more and looking to you. This depth of raw is the point of rescuing ourselves, noone else, just us. Look after yourself first now. Keep pouring it out, the tears and the words, and keep caring for you, and doing the things that make you feel good about you. The exercise, your precious moments with your precious DC. Personally, I highly recommend a labrador my

I bloody loves you too... and the only drink I've had so far is my morning take heart, this does pass xxxx

Hi Bounty thank you. I'm hanging onto hoping its better, its one night. Last night was a bit different, being jolted out of sleep by alarming noises, which I think are real... I had a few last night.

But overall still a longer night of sleep. I'm exhausted and go straight to sleep, but because of him coming here and then having to call the police recently as 'intruder' outside at half 2 inthe morn, and then noticing stuff had been interfered with another night, I'm not sure whether the ptsd is better or worse. overall I think the sleep worse, but the alarms quite full on.

So anyhow am looking forward to some more of those where there's only a vague memory of perhaps one

....cos good comforting sleeeep is sooo amazing xxxx

big luffs to you lovely xxx

Raising and [smoke] for celebrating one year on Fool how different the view from the other side of the hill! Especially when someone else steps into view xxx

sorry.. oops that should read Silvery where said Fool - just to confuse and befuddle ... maybe I've had too much sleep!

Well, Aug 13th is the day he actually finished moving out

alice as you see I am well free, but we managed to settle, at a meeting at my sol between him, and me n' her, a week or so before the judge would have given his opinion. Sol was brilliant at negotiating.

ring the day and the changes Silvery ! I want to raise a toast to that on the day, every success on here is a highly worthy celebration... one for the vixens!

Morning everyone, I have just had a catch up and there seems to be a lot of Fwitery around.
Pony - your ring sounds wonderful and so glad to see that your counsellor saw a change in you.
FFF/Fi - I always think that the insomnia or good sleep reflects how our brain is working. I have given up trying to stop the insomnia - I have figured my brain is better than I am, it must need to process things and then when I sleep I know it has done it's work - mixed night for me last night.
Alice - you are doing well on the boundaries, I am still learning so much about these and starting to put them in place does require time to get used to it, it feels unatural to me at first but then very liberating afterwards. Silvery/Fool on the subject of solicitors - when FW was giving his 20 min rant to his in court, friends did ask me why didn't she tell him to shut up - the best analogy I could give was that she didn't because he was paying her to listen, in the same way a FW thinks a prostitue really loves him. I don't think they are all reasonable and if she was really doing her job she should have told him it was wrong to do that. She was allowing him to express what a victim he is, she was being an enabler. But as I have now learned, I can't stop any or that, it is outside my boundary I just have to concentrate on how I respond. It was a big leaner for me. I didn't respond at all and that hurt him more than anything I could have said or done. he lost his power to control me, my thoughts and my actions.
Charlotte I know to you, two months must seem a long time - my CBT person adviced than when I look at something as lasting a long time (because I do all teh time and panic a bit --lot) even if it is just a four hour stint in court, I should break it up into smaller peices and go through each one at a time and it feels less daunting and the time goes quicker and I enjoy the time more.
Breathe I can toally understand that the limbo feeling you have must be very frustrating - is there anything you can put in place to releave that? anything at all that makes you think even if a baby step is moving you towards a better time?
No your poor DD - I don't know all your story but please keep a note about this, it is truley terrible what FW is doing. My exp did the same with a friend of mine, she is a witness in my contact case now. She had to inform the police as what your exfw is doing is the same, it is harrassement. I am very confident that should my exp get his mits on DS then he would say all kinds - the court have warned that one bad word about me and the contact would stop... not that it has even started but without it being policed 24/7 I can't prove it - so it just can't be even attempted.

breathe just catching up with your post from last night - if it's any help, as I said I have been on my anti-ds for about a year now, and I have recently been doing the 5:2 diet and have lost 10lbs so far. and would be more if not for all the bloody I am normally a slow loser, but that 10lbs came off with relative ease. I don't think that feeling less traumatised will stop you acting - having a clearer head will help, not hinder. But why not go to the doc and talk about your concerns.

And btw - wheesht and pish and tosh about this 'wish I had more guts and was more feisty' nonsense. You have both things my lady, in spades.

Alice - borrow the idea, go for it - I borrowed it off someone else anyway! That sounds just so so awful about your first H. Glad your DD doesn't have anything to do with him. Well done on ignoring his 'apology'. You are right, you don't need to engage with him at all if you don't want to. I like your idea of having your 'days off' from him and therefore not communicating on those days - that's a good boundary to have. makes notes of that

Toasting you too Silvery (with [tea] for now, and for the foreseeable future! ). My house sale goes through today crosses fingers, toes, eyes , so I feel optimistic about moving forward, there are lots of things on the horizon to plan and enjoy.

pony fff thanks for your support. It hurts so much seeing her hurting. I almost daren't think that's why he's doing it.

alice she knows a lot - we're separated and she's seen too much. But she gets fed incorrect information by him, meaning she says she doesn't know who's telling the truth. The temptation is to 'fill in the gaps' but whenever I even imply that Daddy might not be quite correct... she springs to his defence. Feel like I'm waiting for him to shoot himself in the foot so she can see him for what he is, but hoping she doesn't get caught in the cross fire. That's a good idea on letting her keep a bit of distance. e.g. we can go round there, but she can say she played upstairs.

better that's reassuring that I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill - the authorities do take this seriously.

Sorry I'm just me me me I can't seem to concentrate long enough to catch up with all your stories. Makes me so sad that there are so many people going through this.

oh Pony - another one to celebrate!!! raising here for that and wonderful optimism and another raising for the 10lb loss -- whoo!

No from what you said to Alice, I think you should report to someone what you ex is saying. It is very unfair on DD - she will not know what is true as the two people she trusts are disagreeing about things she can't understand. I would be in a heap in tears, you are being very strong about all this. He isn't doing it to hurt her, he is donig it to hurt you and get his own needs met from DD. He is manipulating her, he doesn't think it hurts her, he doesn't even think about it hurting her so he doesn't feel any guilt.
Well done on the 5-2 pony and fingers crossed on the house plus the sun should be shinning for a few days, we can get out and about and be free.

I found notes in my dd diary about exactly this: she doesn't know who's telling the truth it was a black time for her No. I didn't speak badly of him. I tried to stick to setting boundaries, so that she was very clear where she stood with me, he was trying his damndest to screw up arrangements for contact and telling and telling me that it would be his way, despite me having set clear boundaries and explained the reasons to him, he wouldn't talk direct to me about it, but continued to force his will on her and then use her to coerce me... by keeping her hostage all evening until i did as I was told.

Now he doesn't see her unsupervised, and can't fuck up her head. Well he still tries, bless him the arsehole but I'm sure she trusts me, especially as she's seen the police here as a result of his actions, which are too headworker for her to really get yet.

I found it a very fine line to walk between setting boundaries for her, without her worrying about the effect on him, but I had to keep asserting that this is how is has to be now. he tried to make her think I was stopping her from seeing him, that I was abusive, that she was being abusive and disrespectful to him whenever she was late, or that I was, and putting her firmly in the middle of everything he could to coerce me/us back into his control, because if we had our own control that was us disrespecting him because he is lord and master dontcha know and he who must be obeyed - don't make me laugh

Just skim-reading at the moment dd3 is pestering for CBeebies but wonder Noregrets if you can say to her that nobody should ask her to keep secrets from you, unless they're "good" secrets like a present or something.

Will catch up properly later.

Well he still tries, bless him the arsehole

Fi that made me snort out my nose!!!!

It's so good that you have proper back-up to your truth now, with the police. It must be so confusing for DCs to love someone yet now feel they can believe what they are saying, to want to believe them yet feel they are not trustworthy. I guess it's similar to the headwork we get from FWs as adults, but with the vulnerability that comes from being a child and them being the adult.

I am officially no longer a homeowner! First time without owning a house in nearly 15 years. Not sure how I feel - ok, I think - but will be having a quiet night tonight to contemplate. But might crack open some champagne tomorrow night with my Saturday curry!