Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

MrsM, how are you? I remember the fear of ex leaving, it was physically excruciating, but I KNEW it had to happen.

It did, and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. If he goes, let him. It ISN'T normal to live like you are having to do atm.

Be strong, focus on getting to the other side of this. It's worth every scrap of fear and pain.

Anyway with my ex i should have seen him coming- stories of fighting, i knew he had had affairs and left wife for OW and was not very sorry about it.
Nothing was ever his fault. he was often late. spoke horribly to and about his ex.
Spent far too much time on the net. was not that obliging.

But i was i was in a bad place judgment wise (prescription drugs) i was drawn to the bad boy with a nice side thing, fascinated(totally diff to previous bfs) and vain enough to think he might change for me and he also told me he had grown out if a lot of that. plus i let me va-jay-jay do too much of the thinking and i thought what the hell it is just a fling.

(and obviously he 'came with a nice sauce' as in he could be very charming attentive affectionate amazing in bed. and i was like a junky i knew underneath it was wrong but i was hooked and also i have previous for self destructive behaviour and was punishing myself for having done some bad things and thought i deserved it.

Got too far in and could not get out. and then minimized it all away and stuck to the well he never hits me he is just a bit hard work and lazy.

In short i should have looked harder at him and a lot harder at my motives and told my va-jay-jay to shut it and my biological clock.

So Cathy dunno if that helps. Look for other signs. if he threatens to leave or blows cold just let him go. but if it is going well try to communicate calmly and clearly. take your time listen for the subtext i.e. Is he undermining you

don't get panicked into reacting if it looks like he might leave. you don't need him he is just nice to have.

What is for you won't go by you.

CAthy I'm going to NOT give this guy the benefit of the doubt for now and THIS is why:

He gets understandably offended why I make the comparison, because he says he isn?t an abuser.

Offended? offended? Anyone who cared about you wouldn't be OFFENDED, they would be MORTIFIED and they would do whatever it took to NOT repeat the things that distress you.

I will say that your instincts are shouting at you, and with all this on again, off again nonsense, he's trying to mess with your head. 4 months in? Nah... not worth it.

At 4 months, no. that is not right. Move on. Nothing more to see here.

I can physically feel your panic with the repeated texts, I have been there. It's so totally out of control, and THIS in itself is what you need to know that this relationship is not working FOR YOU. You are not feeling valued, safe, or cherished, and your own need for acceptance is driving you to panic and chase it. This is something that you can work on, and the first step in that journey is to put yourself first and end this.

He on the other hand is pissing about with your emotions, the I'll come over, then not, then phone off, then calling you at midnight. Who the F does this?

You are a beautiful, caring, funny, clever and sociable woman, one that ANY man ought to be PROUD to be with, want to be with and consider himself lucky to be with.

He pisses you about?, you say nothing, you get up, you go home and you don't go back. Nobody has the right to mess with our head, especially when we have been through this crap before.

You start off by saying that you don't think he has done anything wrong, that you are allowed to this that and the other, and that you have full freedom. that is not a commendable point, that is what should be a GIVEN in relationships. You go on to describe his behaviour and I don't see much right in how he treats you.

I don't know if he is an abuser or not, I don't know him well enough, and neither do you. I will say though that he is treating you badly, and that you deserve better. Whether or not he is DANGEROUS is irrelevant. From what I see here, he is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I think also that you need to end this, because he is messing with your head and that you, for whatever reason, can't deal with it.

If you do this, if you put yourself, and the treatment you should be getting from a boyfriend in a higher position than it is now, you will have learned a great deal and will have strengthened yourself, and your boundaries for the future.

This guy is wrong for you. It shouldn't be this hard at 4m in. You don't need to work through this, you owe him nothing.

hissy I'm at work now and the nasty texts have stopped. I'm just carrying on like normal tbh. I don't know what else to do.

Sadly work on a Sunday only lasts four hours and I'm in the car he needs for work (I cycle normally but Sunday work is too far) so I have to go home.

If he leaves I will definitely let him. I need to see a solicitor I think but I want to have more counselling first so I don't start using solicitor as a counsellor IYSWIM.

MrsM - I don't think he'll leave - he's just threatening to in order to get you worked up. Mine used to talk about it all the time, and it terrified me, even though being with him made me miserable.
Why not make a solicitor appt soon, rather than wait, it doesn't hurt to speak to one for a free half-hr session. Keep all the nasty texts to show them.

Cathy - I think you need to take a breather from your bloke. I agree with everything already said, especially Hissy of course. He may not be abusive, I don't know, but he's certainly messing with your head and making you unhappy, causing you to act out your fears with lots of panicky texts and calls, etc. This is not who you want to be in a relationship. Take a break to get yourself calm, and see how the land lies after that.

Sending all you wonder, wonderful, strong ladies much love for Mother's Day. xx

I agree with ponygirl, get free advice, even if at the CAB, you need to see what your rights are, and what help you can count on. knowledge is power and all that

Carry on with the counselling if it helps keep you strong and focussed.

Hi, sorry I have been awol. I hope everyone is OK. I am ok, but you will be pleased to know I feel incredibly emotionally detached from my now 'EX'. Although, I still have to stay here for 8 weeks to get my relocation costs saved up. But after that I will be free.

Rose, lovely to hear from you. And fantastic news that he's now your ex. It'll be a tough couple of months while you wait to leave but you can do it.

Thank you so much much for your support ponygirl, and I hope you are well? Yes, it is abhorrent living here, but he sleeps on the sofa and as long as I dont bring up the relationship or me leaving, he seems to be fine really. In fact he comes across very apathetic about the whole thing .

I cant believe how much better I feel for making the decision, and deciding to stick with it. My depression has miraculously disappeared, funny that.

I'm glad you're feeling so much better Rose and especially that your dispression magically lifted that magic wand at work!

Cathy that sounds soo stressful for you and not like a lovely new relationship should be only 4 months in . Its hard to not get the answer you need to hear (either way), I think necessary to assume that it was off (not everyone will face up to sharing that decision knowing hurt it could cause, which is cowardly and inexcusable, but happens a lot). What struck the chord with me was that once you took control and said you were off, only then did he say it wasn't.

I think really the question is how happy are you with this and not whether he still wants you? It does seem to be causing you much distress. Over-texting etc. I think if a guy were texting me that much I'd feel really overwhelmed. There's also the unpredictable life he has, or is portraying, which if I ever thought I could consider another relationship simple and more predictable would seem to be a goodplace to start after the trauma of an abusive one. You decide hun, what you want. To give him another chance, or to bin him, but whatever, I think the 10 day break is good timing for some reflection and distance. take care xx

Mothers Day wishes for strength and kindnesses today xx

Sorry my original post to Cathy did not come across very clear. Partly cos it is full of typos
I did not mean give him benefit of the doubt. i meant i was going to look first at that possibility ( that he is ok) and then the other (that he is a wrong un)

However will say one thing i think it is perfectly reasonable to set a boundary at -if you say you are coming over, do, if you cannot then let me know. if he was at home he can stick his phone on the charger. so that is no excuse.

I would not leave someone dangling so do not like people who do.

So maybe what you need to for is use this breather as an opportunity to define your list of boundaries.

Hi there,

Just quickly as I am supposed to be de-cluttering whilst DC2 naps. Cathy, I have been thinking about your post, so here are my thoughts:

I mean, he doesn?t care/mind who I go out with, when I go out, how long I?m out, why I?m out etc>I had asked and demanded for hours that he took me home, I was awful and nasty to him, almost pushing him into it, and then I was distraught when he went through with it.>So anyway, I asked him to come back to mine. This was about 8pm. ... Said he?d just got home and charged his phone. >I felt still in absolute turmoil (like I did almost every day with my ex) but it couldn?t be helped>he said the previous statement that he wanted to finish was just spur of the moment, and not wanting to ?hurt? me by leaving me hanging for a week while he was away> He gets understandably offended why I make the comparison, because he says he isn?t an abuser.>>
Agree with Hissy on this one. I said something comparing my STBXH to my mother, who was emotionally abusive and controlling (that is how I recognised the behaviour) and he was offended. The comparison turned out to be apt.

Okay, not wanting to pick apart what you have written, but just look at the behaviour he has displayed to you, which appears to have gone over several days. You are trying to explain your reactions in terms of your response to your abusive ex, and drawing the conclusion that you are being unreasonable for this reason, and giving him the benefit of the doubt. There are other conclusions you could draw about the comparison.

In short, be really cautious and listen to your instincts. What you have described here is not the behaviour of someone who respects you. If it is out of character, then he should be apologising and explaining, you should not be on here, wondering whether it is you

Disclaimer: my objectivity here may be clouded because some of this definitely reminds me of STBXH.

Cathy this is not how a relationship should be.

I think you are lost in the idea of a relationship and feel you have to work through everything. I have no idea whether he is abusive but I can pretty much see that this is not a good place for you to be, this relationship is not making you stronger, better, more secure or more at peace with yourself and him ....so I would let him and it go. Do some work on yourself, build up your confidence and circle of friends.

this is eating you up from the inside out.

xxfool

Hi all

Cathy I agree with Fi in that this sounds really stressful and not exciting and wonderful. Take care of yourself, be careful.

ER I am glad your depression has lifted magically! Was it Silver who said her depression also magically lifted in a similar way?!

I am on phone so haven't had full read through but will do shortly. My laptop is stranded in fw's section if house and I don't dare get it because I feel an attempt at DTD by him coming on detours his fury on fri over cafcass he's now being extremely charming and pleasant. I'm not drawn in but the pressure's hard to take, just as much as when he's being horrible IFSWIM.

Dcat staunchly sitting on my lap ready to defend my virtue having madly chased his tail earlier.

Fool you speak wisely as always. X

Hi ladies, dropping in quickly. How was Mother's Day in the realms of FWittery?

Mine was suitably awful, but for some reason I'm both surprised and hurt. I had to BEG for a lie-in, made my own cuppa this morning, but did get a card and a 'promise' of a present at some point in the (distant) future. Every year the effort made gets worse (and DD still too little to do anything herself). And he doesn't even NOTICE that I'm upset.

I've got to get out. I can't take it anymore.

Cathy, welcome and I agree with everyone else that this is NOT a good relationship for you. Be careful x

Good to hear things are moving apace for you Maggie, and hugs, waves and for everyone else (and [arsenic] for FWs).

I had a phone call from FW this morning asking if I could drop in with the dc on my way to my mum's house so the dc could write on my card. Obviously picked up on my fury last night. We duly did so and I sat there with a cat's bum face and then left very shortly after they'd finished. No visits until Fri because of his shifts and dd is still umming and aahing about whether she wants to sleep there or not.

Nini so sorry you had a sad day and felt hurt .

Match loving the cat's bum face description, though not loving the fwittery that brought it on

tis in my experience of ad they should be working by now.
Not had that one though.
Have you read wikipedia entry - says not more than 40mg so depends on what you are on already and also they can do a gene test to see if it will work but i am betting US not NHS
from the many ppl i have known on ads it can take several goes to find the one that works.
They found mine first go (not that i need it now) horses for courses. i found it worked in about 3 weeks. very numbing though. These days i prefer to rely on a lot of exercise and routine but at the time it saved my life.

Anyway if you are not feeling better go back to the gp. always go back.

Tis I found citalopram very much downers in themselves. They made me feel awful. I asked for fluoxetine (Prozac) and I certainly feel ok, not worse and not weird or numbed. I take the lowest dose but I think they keep me fairly steady. Talk to your doc about trying something different? Xx

I took refuge in bath (only lockable door) to avoid amorous try-ons just emerged very silently and put chair against bedroom door. Prob overly dramatic but i feel very twitchy and vulnerable.

Tis I was told recently that if you scored on the below average severity of depression ADs do little to help? In the more moderate to severe cases thye have been shown to be more helpful, and y might need a different one. I hope something shifts for you soon maybe FW, out of the country!

Just checkng my outdoor FW camera, and looks like the snow is just starting to fall.

Spoke to a neighbour today that mentioned she had seen fw loitering outside my house, he's not supposed to come here. Creepy FW!

I am sorry that you been sad today Match

yy to 'got to get out' Nini !

Fly lol at staunch dcat... Mine's not arrived to strike usual superman pose, wondering where he's gone to, as surely too cold for outside!

wishes for peaceful nights to all xx as mothers day comes to a close xx

Fi sorry and worried to hear fw has been lurking can you log it with 101?

Hope your dcat comes in soon the dirty stop out! Lovely kitties, don't know what we'd do without them xx

I think fw has gone to sleep. Just starting to relax from hyper vigilance - it's so bloody stressful. Grrrr.