Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin


Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!




Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Bloody hell he's not asleep, he's on the move. Am back in bathroom. So sick of this.

[minkembra]

breath fi sorry to hear both of you have to deal with such unnerving behavior.

[BreatheandFlyAway]

Thanks Mink. All quiet here now- I think he's truly gone to sleep now. Am curled up in blanket with dcat, reading. Hope you're well. Xx

[minkembra]

I'm good

[cathyscarlett]

Thank you so much to everyone who replied.

I think the ten days apart has come at an ideal time. I do have lots of friends who I socialise with regularly, and actually really like being single, and was very reluctant to get into a relationship because I enjoyed being single so much. It's so very unlike me to be worrying so much about a man, I haven't done so since the abusive ex. So this will be a nice week to take stock and let everyone calm and cool down a bit, and come away from this needy person who seems to be commandeering my mind.

The point about my bombardment of calls is a good one. Perhaps he was confused and baffled too. But that was the first time I had done that. Usually I'm not too fussed when he rings or texts, and wouldn't dream of bombarding him except for that I needed to know whether we were/weren't splitting up etc.

Hopefully I'll get back into my normal mindset I had spent so long building up before him of not being too fussed about men, and when I see him again I'll have a clear head. I'll probably stick with him this once. It is very out of character. But the next time, if there is one, I'll be out like a shot.

I've also been telling my friends and family about this, which is massively different to my old relationship where I tried to keep everything hidden. That's one of the main things that feels different this time.

Thank you again to everyone who replied, it has been very helpful.

[minkembra]

Cathy glad to hear you sounding clearer. sounds to me like that is a good boundary to set. and you are positive about single life too.

that is mindset i want to approach relationship from- nice to have (If it is a positive experience) but not essential.

And you are talking to friends in RL.

Hope it works out for you but glad you are braced ffor being single if it starts to look in any way wrong to you and you are clearly not depending on it working out at all costs.
Anyway best get some sleep.

[Hissy]

"The point about my bombardment of calls is a good one. Perhaps he was confused and baffled too. But that was the first time I had done that"

Don't make excuses for him. Don't use this break to re-write history.

He could have re-assured you, he didn't.

Normal blokes wouldn't react like he did, they would see you're freaking out, knowing your background, and they'd soothe you, why? Because they could see your turmoil and suffering and they wouldn't be able to ignore it.

Your comment about it being out of character. My love, this is merely 12 weeks in. You have NO idea what his character is. None whatsoever.

It takes on average 2 years for abusers to show themselves, but they start with tiny bits of reactions that wobble you, but you excuse it and get stuck in further.

Use this 2 weeks to consider the relationship OVER, and to see how OK you are single, and how nice it is to be respected by yourself and others.

You need to see yourself as good enough for anyone, just the way you are. Not grateful he puts up with you.

DON'T, whatever you do, rewrite the relationship according to how you need it to be.

[Hissy]

"It's so very unlike me to be worrying so much about a man, I haven't done so since the abusive ex."

And with the panicked phonecalls, something has triggered you into an identical response as you would have had with the same ex.

Slow RIGHT down with this guy and really demand and expect actions, not words.

A decent relationship wouldn't be triggering you.

[MrsMorton]

Well, normal service has resumed. I was so scared but I think when he demanded my phone off me and I just gave it to him he realised (a tiny little bit) that it's all in his head. Forunately my secret counselling emails are in a different account so he wouldn't have seen them anyway. He didn't even look at the phone in the end...

I so so want to just phone him and say "I'm not coming home tonight".

I'm going to stay with my DM this week which I'm really looking forward to although we will definitely argue!!

[arthriticfingers]

MrsM He did not 'realize' anything. He never believed the crap he was spouting in the first place.
His object - controlling you - was achieved when you gave him your phone.
Sorry - I know how brusque I can sound.

[MrsMorton]

Should I have said he couldn't have it? Brusque is good!
This week will be slow I think...

[MrsMorton]

Yes, I understand. I didn't realise it was another form of control... I'm more naive than I thought.

What's annoying me is that I'm an introvert and I don't like going out to the pub etc because I find it all a bit much and everyone talks over me etc etc but now I'm thinking "I want to go to the pub tonight because he's noce to me in public..."

[ponygirlcurtis]

MrsM, there's a bit in the Lundy book, where one abuser, who had kicked off at seeing his partner speaking to another man and launched into accusations of an affair, admitted he knew fine well that they weren't having an affair. But his kicking off is an opportunity to exert more control over his partner. Just as yours did. arth is right, he doesn't believe you are having an affair, he just wants to keep you down.

Why not just phone him and say that? Or not go home after your visit next week? What is it that stops you?

Leclerc, your story about that being the first time in 15 years that you received anything bought at all for Mother's Day is v sad. I can understand why, even though this is a good thing, you feel down - maybe grief for all those years that you've been treated so so badly. I'd say def go back to doc - it can't hurt to have a wee chat, and they might be able to suggest something else. Have you had any counselling yet? Sorry, brain a bit fried at the mo, can't remember.

Breath - hope your guard-cat was vigilant all night!

[ponygirlcurtis]

Ah yes, I knew you spoke to 'me Julie'. How's the CBT going (homework aside)?

[ponygirlcurtis]

Also, I'd like to draw everyone's attention to today's Google Doodle:

'DON'T PANIC'

Sage advice. I needed that this morning! I have my towel, everything is hoopy. Need to remember that.

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Well, I told him.

He cried, didn't understand, asked why we can't try couple's counselling first. I said very little, just that it had all been said before and talking won't change things now. He says that's unfair, that I've sprung this on him!

Woken at 1am by unearthly heavy breathing type sound going downstairs. Think that was him sobbing. There's been lots of sobs, sniffs and sighs this morning, too. And voice breaking while saying, "I can't live without you," "But you're my wife" and the like.

I pity him. Not much else, though.

[ponygirlcurtis]

Charlotte!!!! Am standing up applauding you. Fantastic news. You did it!!!!!

Stay strong, my lovely. The pressure and fake crying antics from him will intensify, I'm sure. but you know that now.

And you told him on Mothers Day! Even better - you are taking your life (and your motherhood) back from him.

Is it too early for a celebratory ?

[ponygirlcurtis]

You'll need to NC soon - you aint no lost Charlotte now!

[arthriticfingers]

Charlotte (never too early!)

[FairyFi]

excellent news to be greeted with when I poppedin here Charlotte and you being so strong. What a lot of ol waffle pants from him, handled well by you xxx

me too tis gonna be a good friday this week

mine never turned up Fly abandoned guarding duties for the inside of a thermal lined coat that had been flung down by DD earlier! glad you got cosy with your dcat for snuggles and a quiet night

xx