Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I Will knit you one

Morning all...wow this thread moves fast!

minkembra sorry I must've missed your questions last night in amongst all the drunken banter

No not really any suggestion of abuse before DD.
We have always been really close but always had fiery rows as well - but me giving as much (if not more) than him. There has been physical violence on occasion over the years but as far as I remember I always started the physical stuff & he retaliated.

I've also done some really shut things to him over the years which he hasn't reacted abusively to - the worst example is within the first 2 years of our relationship I cheated on him on 3 seperate occasions because I was pretty fucked up about relationships and very self destructive. He's never punished me with this, he was very hurt but does not bring it up in arguments or anything.

It's examples like this that make me think he isn't really abusive - just come to the end of his tether maybe.

oh Tis this not woken as Davina today me, just back from run in park with ddog (she ran/I walked) with lots of 'retrieving'. Seen that 'bang' play dead thing at a fun class in a dog show recently, had the crowds in hysterics (won the class of course). mine [ddog] not so perfect, she was 'potty' trained (goes in box in garden) from very little, and so loved to be praised that she would jump in the box and not pee (just look like she was) and then jump out again all pleased with herself, gorgeous little (now much bigger!) happy doggy.

freedom last week made me think about the thing you said yesterday Tis re the being known as fiesty or something similar? I had been denying any of these things could possibly have happened to me because everyone knows me as quite strong and possibly a little forthright Despite that, fear kept me in check to a huge degree. So was a big thing last week, that kind of more scales fell about the interplay and it not mattering who we are they will do it anyway.

don wanna go this week

Are you Nelly Mink off 'Noah & Nelly' if you are can you please knit me a house on the edge of the moor (far away from the 'Far side of Fuck off' but just an easy amble from the Staggering Vixens)? why did the creep buy a house so close to me, blurrggh, boak.

Right, breakfst time. Good days all... FW free obviously, and x for FP tis

I nearly turned back to the pub last night when I heard strains of tubthumping drifting across the moor on my walk home.

wanted todance to that Fly

Morning all - looks like you ladies had quite a party last night! Loved some of the music selections!

I'm pretty much out of words at the moment - just pretty upset really.

Have a good Thursday all -

wassup trust ? something happened?

I told him no more phone call and no more Skype after his manipulative actions. DS is now communicating through e-mail so I can thwart him dangling carrots, and also stop the issue of him calling in a 30 minute window and being completely disrespectful of DS bedtime and winding down time.

So basically this:

erm...WHAT??? DS is and will always be invited to any and all functions that involve his FAMILY; direct et al. There's no need to hide what is transpiring in daily life. Explaining to DS what I am doing, the fact he will always be invited as and should he ever decide to accept and my love for him is nothing I have or ever will hide. As was explained, YOU have the ability to persuade the solicitor and judge in the direction you want my involvement with DS to be. You have made it clear your intention. If you can't deal with the emotions of a child who wants to see his father even if only to go to Disneyland...perhaps you are right; GAME OVER MATE. I don't have this desire to fight, converse or otherwise play into your reoccurring delusions of victim status. This was the same crap you complained about with EX, EX, EX and yes...your mother. The same crap you fed upon when dealing with the EX's family; your ability to thrive on anger and other's battles surrounding you were and have always been great distractors. Think I'm wrong? Wait and see. This little skirmish between us is over and when the dust settles, I suggest you find a new battle cry quickly before you again turn inwards. I am not apart of your life but for now your constant contact is back with me under the guise of DS. I want to speak with DS, letter or otherwise; I don't need your involvement. You're the one who needs the CONTROL. If you can live without strife, delete me. The only reason you even have my email is because you wouldn't stop badgering my family; the same people who invited you in, the same people who cared for you and DS when you couldn't be bothered to get off the bed. You have constantly been running away in your life, yet sadly you couldn't outrun yourself. We can go back and forth name calling, who is the martyr here, who was the aggressor, who couldn't maintain the house with laundry or dishes or constant meals yet complained when I didn't do it to your requirements; who had to follow The Baby Whisperer book/manual to the letter yet when someone who tried to help had to be indoctrinated before they could even step into the house; who was in the doctor(s) office(s) crying over their inability to care for a child, who threatened to put their baby in the snow if my mother didn't come up (AGAIN) to help you cope with...well LIFE; I can do this all day; I can do this on the wittiness stand; I can provide evidence to the contrary of what you manufacture. I care only about DS in this, make no mistake.

Again, I know the Truth. I know the ugly truth. Disconnect DS from me. He'll reach out when he is of age; of that I am confident. He will have a place to come; a place to collect; a place to remember and regain; but he too will have daily knowledge of you. For all I miss out on, for all I regret, I will wait...and I will wait...but I will be here for him. If that is all I can be, then so be it. Good Bye and Good Riddance.

It's full of massive exaggerations, half truths, complete dismissal of circumstances and dismissal of my experiences basically and I know it's all BS for the most part...but it bothers me, it bothers me that he's still doing it that he can't see that not getting up off the bed because I'd barely slept in months and was unwell wasn't because I couldn't be bothered, it bothers me that it was I who did most of the childcare and housework and yet somehow I didn't do enough while trying to cope with insomnia, depression and for a period of time also completely zombie out on meds I shouldn't have been taking. It bothers me. Full stop. It bothers me that he really does think telling DS that he's coming with these people who have never met DS and yet somehow care deeply about him and that they're all going to Disneyland Paris and does he want to come is perfectly OK to do - he can't even see how manipulative that it. It bothers me. It bothers me that he's making accusations of child abuse against me and has allegedly somehow obtained my clinical notes from that period.

And then there's this....which I received off my solicitor yesterday...which they received as an e-mil off FW

Per our phone conversation early today, I, Complete and Utterly self-absorbed FW, am writing to propose a visitation schedule for my son, DS in the United Kingdom, during the time period between 8 June and 20 July 2013 and a follow-on visit for him here in the US (Florida) for a one week period during his Winter recess of the 2013/2014 school year. As we discussed, please pass this along to a solicitor who can communicate with trust as her solicitor, is off on maternity leave. Please keep me advised as progress is made so plans can be made accordingly

They're planning to be here in the UK from week 34-41.5 of my pregnancy...how very convenient....DS told FWexH that I am due in July about 6 weeks ago.

He knows our address, he knows what school DS goes to and he knows my DP works full time...I feel frightened and threatened. There's completely nothing to stop them turning up on my doorstep or turning up at DS school.

Trust :(
I really think you need to find good strong legal advice in RL - they might even suggest contacting the police - or, at least, registering these abusive emails with them.
Can anyone help you get some control?
Legal aid is still available?

You're right arthritic. I've instructed my solicitors to advise him to apply for contact through court. But I think I'm going to go back to them and tell them how worried I am about my safety - this, after all, is the man who got so mad at a cow (well, an older calf) that he accidentally killed it....funny thing is I never ever really gave that any thought...until he boasted about it to a substance abuse counsellor friend of mine who took me to one side and told me that wasn't a good sign...

good move trust - print out all emails and take them

just back in trust and wanted to see how you are, have jsut read [quite quickly] your post .

first of all, take some lovely deep calming breaths, and anything else you can think of to soothe yourself and come away from the neg emos he triggered in this email.

Just wanted to be sure too, that you can see its completely about him feeling out of control, to the point that he's writing to YOUR solicitor, who acts for you not him. Tbh he has taken that rope and is busy hanging himself with it, as its clear to everyone from that email to you. If you offer him visitation and he refuses he wil lhave to take you to court over it, but I was told if you offer 'reasonable' access he really won't have much of a case. Reasonable access in this [calf killing instance] might be none, but SS and CAFCASS maybe need to be involved for that to happen.

Please please ask your solicitor to propose visits on YOUR terms (and well away from teh end of your pregnancy because that has to take priority over having ex FW force himself into your life then). I heard he has less of a case if you propose something like this. To have done what he did and boast of it to another is just scarey scarey scarey as fuck, no wonder you feel so afraid.

and yes, there really is something to stop him turning up at your door hun. If you call 101 and advise the police of his determination to trespass in your life, the threats he's made, the inappropriate contact with your solicitor trying to take control of your son/your life from you, if he then turns up at your door, the police will come and tell him to leave, as he has no right whatsoever (despite his high and mighty entitlements to the contrary) to be there.

Do you speak to WA? Also contact Rights for Women who will help you with your legal situation. You can send all emails harrassing you, to the police, and maybe ask your solicitor to write to advise him that you are drawing up a proposed schedule and will let him know, that he cannot contact you, and cannot force visitations without prior agreement with you, and that you do not agree (due to his aggressive/abusive behaviour) to be around during the month around your birth date).

Its important to protect yourself and your unborn to the additional stress. I know its terribly frightening and highlystressful being in the face of this level of entitlement and threats, barraging you with insults and 'evidence' and his insistence that the world is against you. Sounds to me like you did a bloody good job lovely, of trying to do the absolute best by your baby, and to ensure others understood your approach stop bloody interfereing

I just cannot [once again] believe how the same his comments/angle/control/forcing, etc. are as FW here. I could have easily received same email. It took me ages to see that he wasn't actually entitled to say anything more than 'when would my son like to see me?' He cannot book holiday/flights and just expect you to fall into line anytime... .do note all this with the doctors/midwife, the trauma he is causing during your pregnancy, which is harmful to you both, that you are living in fear of him. I am wondering about the solicitor also, and whether they really 'get' EA? make sure they have very experienced, as your solicitor has just facilitated further EA on you (possibly unknowingly, or maybe is held legally on this), but I feel perhaps should at least have just called you, or done her own email asking what arrangements you want to suggest or can manage in reply to his requests ransom note?

huge hugs for strength and calm ... wish you success in your dealings today xxx

once the police are involved, you should absolutely share that with the school, that you are being threatened and you will be in contact with them ongoing to ensure DS is not subjected to further trauma. take care xx

twas manageable today Tis after me wanting to back into corner. hope yours rewarding x

Hey all, looks like I missed a good night last night!! I spent last night as another 'enforced couch-lying' while watching a DVD. I could have done with joining in the shenanigans but head was a bit too weird. When picking up DS2 from FW's yesterday eve, his girlfriend's car was there. It made me v . She's spending time with my son and not a word about it has been said to me. And also, the fact that he's so happy and getting on with his life, make me feel really upset for all he's done to me.

Plus, we've had an offer on our house. A really low one, way under what was our starting price, less than what we paid for it (so we wouldn't get all our original deposit back). But they can complete in a matter of weeks, and then it would all be over with. Don't know what to do.

trust - that is a vile, vile email to get. Hope you are doing ok. Get your solicitor on the case.

have written lots about researching the 'right dog for you' Fly can pm/send etc. if you want some info.

It's not that kind of money, IYKWIM, Leclerc. The money I put into the house as a deposit is the sum total of all my savings that I've built up over the last 20 years. So I'd get less of my money back than I put in. But it's kind of fantasy money, because I can't buy another house anyway, I wont get a mortgage on my own, so whatever I get back will be squirreled away for a deposit at some point in the very distant future. Just would be nice to at least walk away with the same as I went into this whole sorry situation with, rather than less, given all the other money of mine that he's conned me out of and him making me pay the mortgage for the last year . But it wouldn't be a vast amount less, just a few thousand. (Just! she says.)

pony what year did you buy your house?

From my POV, the drop in house prices was a godsend, as this house at settlement was worth £65K less than we paid for it. Otherwise I would not be living in it, (mine, all mine) now.

So I've thought about house prices in the context of divorce/separation for at least the last year or two, and actually since my aborted first try at divorce in 2009. It certainly sounds like you might have to cut some losses.