Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?
foolonthehill · 08/03/2013 22:19
Hay, Just a quick post while H is out of the room. Yesterday I had to take H to a&e for a problems he has been suffering from for a while. He was very scared and distressed, and I didn't feel anything. I feel awful for this 
. He's now in one of those moods today where everything I do is wrong. I bought the wrong pizza, when I say well don't eat it then I am apparently being aggressive. I just wish I could sort out my head. And then I just think why am I thinking of leaving? what if things are no better, or worse. Ugh my mind just goes from one to the other.
Oh and to top it off our LL is selling her house, which means we'll get notice to move sometime soon... which means signing into another 6 months with H or making a choice I am torn in 2 about.
Afternoon all. What a miserable wet windy day it is here! After screwing up all my courage for mediation on finances my Solicitor messed up and double booked himself. So it's postponed 
and I will have to get wound up all over again.
Meanwhile I have a poser for you.
AIBU? My DC1 is starting a first job in the summer and setting up home. No savings left, all frittered on student life so I want to give a gift of some money to pay flat deposit/set up home. I asked FW if he wanted to share this. His proposal? Give the same to all the DC to be fair. BUT the others don't need it now and I can't afford it multiple times at present! He is just trying to stop me by making it too expensive I think. Maybe I should just have quietly given the money and not involved him, although we try to co-parent as much as possible. Am I being difficult?
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Tis if it helps any.. I texted FW to alert that DD could be heading to hospital that night, response..... nada ... since then he doesn't know, unless she happens to tell him of days off, as I don't bother wasting energies anymore. Cool swearing tho Tis 
I know its certainly not logical but we feel it anyway Pony just might ease a little to take a peek from another perspective. It is gut wrenching x
I didn't earn enough to fit their 'multipliers' either, but I had been paying it. So when they did the math it didn't add up, but the proof was in the payments. Sounds like this might not apply to you then , but worth saying I thought (just in case 
)
Leclerc, that is terribly sad about FW's cousin, but like Silver says, you can have sympathy for him separate from what you feel about FW. Remember, you are a wonderful empathetic person who can let the cousin know that you are, genuinely, thinking of them. Bet FW can't even do that much without it being all about him, or all about the image of care and concern he is putting out to everyone.
Cool??? That just made me think of someone desperately uncool trying v hard to be cool, when they are quite the opposite. I agree with Silver's take, that even if he agreed with you previously, he'd see it as an opportunity to grind you down. Just treat it like you would anything else he says - and ignore, ignore, ignore. You weren't asking for his opinion, he can take his validating 'coolness' ad shove it where the sun don't shine!
Excuse me, I seem to be projecting my anger onto your FW Leclerc. Hope that's ok?
Tis you can feel for the cousin separately from your feelings about FW.
Likely in the 'good old days' FW may even have thought 'Cool, sometimes that's the best medicine', and if he had had to make the same decision while alone with DD that's what he'd have done.
But for a FW no trouble is worth taking for their DC, provided that trouble is not being taken by the FW himself, but is 'delegated' to his subserviant. The last bit is like shooting ducks in a barrel - whatever the subserviant decides, tell her it's wrong
Hey, he's agreeing with your decision. And so he should, it's a good decision - not that his opinion (or mine, for that matter) counts above yours.
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Leclerc - yes!!!!! Me and easy decisions just don't seem to go hand in hand. (Unlike FW and his girlfriend! Am laughing because if I didn't I'd cry!!!!!!)
Yes, you're right Silver, that once I have the money, it's a security for me and the boys. spend spend spend!!!!
could you afford to take on the mortgage there, and have it signed over to you Pony? This way he only loses deposit same as if you'd taken latest v. low offer, and its clear there's no 'buying out' to be done? You could take a loddger to help with overalll costs? You will get help with housing costs if you bought it pre 2000 I think... if you are paying the mortgage now, etc... you do not need apply. just get deed of transfer drawn by solicitor. Is he not feeling any more magnanimous now has gf? btw, about her - I viewed new gf as someone to make the place safe during visits, as he would be trying toipress, on best behaviour, etc. [performing FW belongs in circus the clown] that you think she is being specially treated and you have lost, way I see it you are the winner as you're well out of it, he will be the same to her, the happiness is brief veneer over, yet to be plumbed, murky grisly depths of vast well for her 
.
Lovely lady you are free to have good healthy loving relationship, that lady, well I only hope she sees it soon, none of him is your fault, and she will see it all too in time..
It is to your strength and evidence of ability to pay, that you have been paying the mortgage for the last year anyway (this was the reason my lender agreed to transfer to sole name, as I proved I had been paying the mortgage anyway, he can't do that can he?.
Well I hope I've not written a load of gobbledy-gook and something of use init! hugs Pony hope better night, missed you last night.
also missing amazeballs and nini thoughts for your safety and wellbeing both xx
Never forget that actual cash is tangible, and a resource that can be used. Quite unlike equity, which is market dependent. This makes a big difference - cash (wherever it's safely saved) represents choices
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