Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships....can it be 18?
foolonthehill · 08/03/2013 22:19
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Tis have a great night out.
so the kids access. after having said no he could not possibly be flexible and see them any day other than Saturday or for more than 3 hours for reason including:
having no gf
he hates me
it is my fault
and he has no money
all included in an email telling me (paraphrase) I am a mental, drug addled, slag, no hoper, scrounger who treated him like a child care servant whilst I bled him for money...
I get an email yesterday saying very politely, can I see the kids on Sunday 12-4 if that suits.
notice he had deleted all the previous emails on the email thread.
so i replied 'of course, the kids will be delighted.'
because I am a normal person who does not want my children to be unable to see their dad.
I did wait 24 hours before replying though ...well i am only human 
(although had he said 3 hours or less I may have wrangled but 4 is progress...sort of)
he seems not to realise you cannot gaslight someone by email.
and clearly the whole thing was just a pretext so that a) he could not have the kids on Sunday because he thought I had something I wanted to do b) to get to say all the nasty things he wanted to get off his chest.
I seem to remember there was an old Trobriander cricket song that went something like:
I am PK, I am PK,
You are glue
It bounces off me and sticks to you
keeps going round in my head for some reason...
or as Sheldon would say
I am polymerised tree sap
and you are an inorganic adhesive
so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction
is reflected off me
returns to its original trajectory
and adheres to you
Fi have you considered mediation with your callous cat 
glad he's alright and had a cosy night (the dirty great stop out!)
Mink . Loving your post!
Arse that he is for calling you all those horrible names 
Mink - Bazinga!
Good outcome for you and the kids, bad outcome for FW cos he rails and spits his dummy out and ends up doing what you wanted him to anyway!
Leclerc - i don't see that as a sadness, it makes me think what a pathetic man he is that he's less trustworthy with his own kids than a 19-year-old who isn't family. He is not worth even your pity.
fi ah cats in coats. looking back perhaps I should just have bought my cat a bomber jacket of its own.
they used to say i turned up at work looking like the cat had dressed me...cos by the time I realised there was cat hair all over my jacket which then ended up all over my clothes it was too late to do anything about it.
(re access it was last Sunday he though I had something on- this Saturday he is busy so he needs to change days. but I am quite happy co I didn't have anything on. he may be an arse but he is no longer my arse 
and the kids get to see him longer/this weekend instead of not for a month. )
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
another thing ex said though is 'I am no longer your verbal punchbag' that was one of his favourite phrases. wtf?!? it would be funny almost were in not so grrr.
My FWEX told me it was me who had spat at and tried to strangle him
They are weirdos - and, no, I can't find it funny ... yet ...
I did actually laugh out loud when I read his email where he said he was a domestic slave. ludicrous things always make me laugh.
but can totally see why you would not find that funny arth
my ex did actually manage to convince me I had thrown a glass at him, now realise that although he still believes this, I was gaslit (lighted). there was a glass incident. I didn't throw it, and at the time I said i couldn't have because it ended up in the dishwasher, (no way he put it in the dishwasher so i must have) if i had thrown it and it had hit him then that means i would have had to bend down to pick it up and no way would i have thrown something at him and then put my head anywhere near his feet or lower than his hands. therefore i know it never left my hand, i did tip the contents over him. that much is true 
but i admitted to throwing it just to shut him up. and by the end of it i started thinking i had thrown it.
Didn't mean to say that we should not find it funny.
I am looking forward to the day when we can all piss ourselves laughing.
I can laugh at some things - just not at all the gaslighting.
We will all get there
I shall raise a brew (and later, a 
) to that :)
Thats- my fw is the same. He will say I have screamed at him because that's his perception if I stand up to him- he so can't take it that he feels screamed at. However I never raise my voice to him because I can't stand shouting having grown up amidst constant screaming. Aren't I sensible to have married a shouting violent volatile bad tempered man not!
Breathe perhaps the shouty-ness was what drew you to exFW in the first place? I wonder about family influence. In my family my mother was the unreasonable one who we all had to bend over backwards to accommodate-- similar to my H, if you didn't do what she wanted there would be hell to pay in the form of instant silent treatment followed later by the most horrible verbal abuse... I briefly spoke to my sister about this a few years ago (I think she's had counselling) and she said that people tend to gravitate towards situations they find familiar... even if they are $%^&ing dysfunctional! Gah. At least you know you're right
Charlotte well done! Keep strong and be prepared for him to up the anti a little. Is he staying or are you leaving - sorry if you already posted, I can't keep up with this thread at times!
Still low level fwittery here. I asked him to pick up dd from brownies as I am going to see my friend. Any one would have thought I asked him to travel 300 miles instead of 3!!
Not heard about the house yet. 5 weeks and counting since the offer was accepted. Can't be much longer!
Here's hoping for a quiet night curled up with dcat! Need some Miranda to cheer me up and a 
Take care all x
Thank you all for the support. I was able to get on at lunchtime briefly and read them all, which sustained me through the afternoon.
May I indulge in a small rant? It's been tough - all the sobs, sighs and sniffs have continued, with comments about how he can't concentrate on anything, what work he has to do but can't - basically all "woe is me." He has painted himself as the victim, not just in the way he's spoken to me, but also he's told loads of people. He's been walking into the room mid-conversation so I can hear how reasonable and understanding he's being and I got copied into his email to my parents, which downplayed the whole thing to "Charlotte doesn't love me any more" and simplified my emotions to "she's feeling so relieved to have it out in the open" - that from a conversation between us which went:
Him: "I suppose you're feeling relieved, are you?"
Me: "Well, I guess. I'm a bit out of touch with my feelings, really."
His aim seems to have been to show me just how many people's lives I'm blowing apart with my selfish, hasty, ill-thought-out action. "I don't know how to make this ok for dd1," he said, despite upsetting dd1 on an almost daily basis when he's been around recently.
"I found it hard not to cry when I was helping get the kids ready for school this morning," was another gem. Making it look as though this is a regular, normal thing that he does - and in fact didn't really do this morning. I think he helped one dc find his/her shoes.
Anyway, he's gone away to process the shock at a distance, which is a relief as I was worried for a while that he might cancel trips. And I now have to go and reply to various members of his family who want to hear my side of the story.
So if it weren't for you lot, I'd've been feeling quite guilty and got at this afternoon. 
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