How long before you feel comfortable talking about 'anal' and such?

[BurntPasta]

Been together about 3 and a half months. Known each other since April.
Started sleeping together two weeks into it. We have grown very close and done loads together other than sex obviously, we go out a lot and spend loads of time together. Especially lately as he's been sleeping at my house half the week.
Anyway - we've not broached the subject of anal but on a number of occasions, especially these past few weeks his hands have wandered around there but he's stopped short, once he was really drunk and went a little further than usual but I stopped him.

We've talked about loads of stuff, real personal stuff but we both seem too shy to actually bring this up!! Is that normal for just 3 months in?

" it's not something you just 'do' whilst shagging in the traditional manner is it?"

Well, I'd argue that it is or at least it should be, in that it can be just as much a natural progression as anything else. Sounds like he's going about it in the right way anyway, IMO, if his hands are wandering - gives you the chance to either make appreciative noises or say "Not near there, thanks" which should be an end to any "discussion" about it. If you did like it then that opens the door (sorry ) for more exploration in that area which might eventually lead to full penetrative anal sex. Or you might reach a point where you say "Woah not so hard/big/deep/etc, that doesn't feel good for me" and again that's the end of it.

No formal discussion needed I don't think? Just a natural progression of events. I don't get why it's been made into this big thing TBH.

I don't think it's particularly healthy to view it as a 'natural progression of events'.

Did you know that there are more bacteria in your body than there are cells? That's staggering, isn't it? Most are in the GI tract. If your intestine perforates, you have to have your abdominal cavity 'washed out' as this bacteria is delivered into your blood and can effectively poison you. Did you know that the main component of shit is bacteria from inside the gut?

Anal is relatively new as a mainstream sexual practice among heterosexuals. Gay men have been doing it for years (though many gay men don't practice it) and many of them douche and are meticulous about hygiene. They also know the rules - use lots of lube, etc. The lining of the rectum is very delicate and bleeds easily. Hence the rapid spread of HIV first among gay males, because it is much more easily transmitted this way - it's present in semen and unprotected anal sex introduces this to the bloodstream, spreading the virus.

The idea that it's something to be spontaneous about horrifies me a bit. If you want to practise anal sex you have to do as much as you can to minimise the health risks which are significant for both partners, but particularly the passive one.

Don't even get me started on rectal prolapse, faecal incontinence, etc.

Women are risking their health in following norms set by porn.

Sorry if I'm not 'broadminded' enough.

I didn't say inevitable, and I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant it doesn't need to be some big separate thing. You either find anal stimulation exciting, or you don't. Even if you do, that's no reason to jam a cock up there - like anything sexually it makes sense to take it slow and experiment with what you like so that when you find your limit you can stop there and be happy with that, rather than taking something (anal sex in this example) to be some kind of "goal" which is worked up to. That's all I meant as a natural progression of events - I don't think everyone would like it, most people have different sexual preferences.

I find the "natural progression" concept worrying. As if PIV is how you start and when that gets boring, you move on to anal. I hate that women have to "live up" to a porographic sensibility.

You're reading it wrong :( or perhaps I said it wrong because I honestly didn't mean it in that way at all.

I think that "natural progression" means the absolute opposite of the porn standard tbh.

It means that if one or the other partner would like to try it then they make overtures in that direction that are either welcomed or rebuffed by the other partner and together, with consent, they explore that area.

The Porn Standard is him throwing her onto her front and doing it with assumed consent, which not what has happened to me in any relationship and the if it had then said relationship would have been over straight away.

And also, being the "passive" partner doesnt mean that you are not the person in control. I, like a pp above, have the most powerful orgasms through anal sex, if I am on top. I only have it when i am on top because a) there is nothing in it for me if I am not! and b) I am in control. I may be the one who has the penis put inside me, but I am always the one in control. That is the most important thing as far as I am concerned.

I heard a lovely story about a friend of a friend who was at a porn convention and was shocked at how many of the women there had to use fecal incontinence products. Can you guess why?

Oh. My. God, MamaMary, your link.

" it's not something you just 'do' whilst shagging in the traditional manner is it?" Well, I'd argue that it is or at least it should be

Sorry but that does sound like you are suggesting that during sex you might decide on the spur of the moment to 'jam a cock up there'.

Don't say you've been misunderstood just because someone points out how unhygienic and dangerous that might be.

The rectum isn't designed to have things put in it. It's full of nerve endings and I'm not saying it can't induce pleasant sensations. But it really isn't a great idea to practise anal sex on a regular basis, as there are potentially very unpleasant long term consequences. In the shorter term, especially if it 'spontaneous' and unprepared-for, there is lots of potential for damage and infection.

Ugh.

If you want to then ask him when YOU are in the mood. The first time it happened I was just feeling really naughty whilst we were having sex and I just wanted to.

Porn ? WTF that's got to do with my sex life ? I like the, 'ok, you first' comment though. Does my husband like it ? I'll just say we've both enjoyed experimenting.

Anal sex is perceived in some quarters as a hideous aberration for exactly the same reasons as oral sex used to be. It's disgusting...it's degrading...it's unhygienic...it's "wrong"....etc.

Another 50 years before that, the conventional attitude was that it was equally weird and perverted to expect to see your partner naked; or to do it with the lights on, or in the daytime; or to masturbate; or to be gay.

You just have to recognise that the times move on, with or without you. There is no a la carte sexual liberation. "You're not supposed to do that!" is a deeply old-fashioned argument against not just anal sex, but all sexual practices except vanilla sex on ovulation day.

It's not 1912 any more, it's not even 1990, it's 2012; and sexual practices are going to reflect this, whether we like it or not.

If I had to make a prediction as to what the next departure from "normal" will be, it would be a growing acceptance of casual sexual relationships with many people at the same time, and increasingly in the same encounter. You read it here first.

I think if you're arguing that people need to get with the times, then that includes equality of the sexes.

So if you don't think as many men as women would be happy to have something shoved up their bum, question why that might be so. Same with deep throat and producing a gag reflex. If not as many men would be prepared to do that, question why that might be so. The orifices are all the same after all, aren't they?

Okay maybe it was badly worded.

I didn't mean anal sex should be a natural progression from "normal" sex for everyone. (Okay, I can see how it sounded like that now, sorry)

I meant if you enjoy touching/whatever around that area, then things might naturally develop into anal sex. Or they might not. Either way it shouldn't be an assumption or a jump from nothing, it should be something that develops because and only if both partners are finding it enjoyable and wanting to explore that particular direction more.

The reason some men don't want something stuck up their bum is they are frightened of "catching the gay". I think it's uncomfortable, and don't like it, so I wouldn't expect a woman to like it either...

Deep throat and gagging? I can imagine few things less erotic that someone gagging/near vomiting over your tackle. Conjures up green sex images... mentioned elsewhere.

Doesn't this stuff all go back to consent anyway? If you're being pestered, remind DP that stops being charming at about 3 years old...

My guess would be that most men don't want things shoved up their bums because they aren't engineered to enjoy being penetrated, in that way or any other. This would explain why anal sex isn't universally popular among gay men. The receiver gets a bit of prostate massage, but if that's where you're at a finger in a condom would do just as well.

If you took a number of the posts here and replaced the idea of anal sex with oral sex, then you would have exactly the 1940s view of oral sex (whether male on female or f on m). You're not supposed to do that; germs; unnatural; degrading; you wouldn't like it; etc.

I very much doubt most men expect to be deep throated till their partner gags. Anyone doing that must be doing it wrong.

Probably cunnilingus isn't any more of a picnic than fellatio from the giving end for that matter. I suppose you'd need to have tried both to know for sure. Maybe someone from Essex can chime in?

You can't pick and choose which bits of sexual liberation you like and object to others' choices. FWIW I suspect porn may well have accelerated the uptake of anal sex, but once a bad idea catches on - like oral sex, the credit card, or insurance - you can't really expect to be able to put it back in the box for other people simply because you don't get it yourself.

Oh FFS! [hgrin]

OP, it's totally normal. At some stage, you'll maybe have to discuss what you like with him. If you don't want to, say so, and if you do, then you'll have lots of fun exploring the boundaries, so to speak [hwink].

But as to everyone who is moaning about anal being linked to porn etc. Oh FFS. I think I've watched porn once (when I was 16). Despite this, I really enjoy a bit of anal with my DP. In fact, in previous relationships, my DPs weren't really up for it, despite me suggesting it (subtly!). I find it sexy, a bit submissive yes, but so what? I dominate too. My DP and I have a really healthy sexual relationship. So - if it doesn't work for you, then fine. But please don't criticise those who like it. It can of course be a brutal thing, and if my man expected it of me, it would be a turn off. But exploring consensually the limits of someone is actually bloody sexy...

Namechanged for this, I'm sure you see why. It's not a lot of fun having your insides hanging out of your arse. You have to keep pushing them back in. That hurts. It leaks blood and mucus, sometimes varying the routine with spurts of blood that soak through your clothes. It leaks poo, also spurting when you least expect it.

I'm going to have an operation. It will be very painful. The risk of infection will be high. The chances of complete resolution are low, I'll have some dangly innards and leakage for life probably. The proctologist said the most likely cause of my injury was "forceful anal sex". He never asked me, just knew by the damage.

Take it from me, if your partner suddenly starts thrusting too hard there is fuck all you can do about it. Twist away and you could be massively ruptured. Only thing to do is bite the sodding pillow and breathe. Do think carefully.

I think the porn thing may have shifted expectations etc but I am 39 and have been enjoying anal since I was a teenager.

I only had it a few times with my STBXH of 16 yrs because he was rather large and it was bloody uncomfortable despite plenty of lube, poppers etc.

My new DP is deliciously average and I am enjoying anal once more. I brought up the subject after he was telling me about a bad prostate examination experience he'd had. This was after a couple of weeks into the relationship. We do it now and then and both enjoy it. No pressure, no porn.

MyPinkSock that is horrendous, poor you.

You obviously need to trust your partner and make sure you both know the risks involved.

Mypinksock, :(

Mrspinksock :(

Can i ask a question? Completly understand if you do not want to reply and apologise for asking but was it consensual sex with a partner that caused your injuries? Meaning was it accidental? Are you still with your partner?

Im just wondering if such extensive damage was through normal anal sex.

lollipop is pinksock's (I am so sorry, love) contribution to this thread not a cautionary tale for you ?

you have been having anal sex for 20+ years, previously with a well endowed partner and forced to use artificial chemicals to relax your anal sphincter to allow penetration to occur

if I were you, I would seriously think of utilising other ways to get your rocks off and quit while you are still ahead

AnyFucker not like you to be dictatorial about other people's consensual activities?

Not my bag, but if it makes their world rock...

what are you talking about, omc ?

dictatorial ?

that is friendly and timely advice that I would give to a RL mate

did you read pinksock's post ? You didn't have any reaction to that one then ?