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Original poster

Birthday....

249 replies

theendishere · 10/10/2012 07:26

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's my birthday in a few weeks and a month or so ago he suggested going away to a nice hotel overnight near the date to celebrate it. Since he first mentioned it he's not said any more about it and he can't ne planning a surprise as i have to plan in advance and my son will be with me on the actual day, so he can't be planning it for then.
last night i mentioned by texr that my son would be away with his dad the weekend before my birthday plus another couple of days and it would be good to arranged to see eachother more (didn't mention bday at this point). His text in reply said he was going to watch his beloved team palying football on the saturday but would be good to do things the rest of the time (the sunday and monday morning are out as he'll have his kids then). So i appears that the hotel stay isn't happeneing! I'd really hoped i'd see him on the sat before my birthday, regardless of what we were doing. I send a text ust saying "footbal on my birthday weekend!!! I think i'll forgive you"x" he hasn't replied. Due to see him later but worried i shouldn't have sent the text or mentioned my birthday...

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 10/10/2012 07:34

Well it's clear you aren't going to a hotel or that would have been arranged already. You didn't do anything wrong in texting him but maybe your expectations of birthday treatment don't match his. Is he planning to see you in the evening of your birthday? That's about normal I think. Doesn't mean he doesn't like you or anything.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 07:38

In your shoes, I'd drop this inconsiderate, selfish pig of a man, make arrangements with some girlfriends to go out for my birthday, have a whale of a time and be 'washing my hair' if he tried to get in touch again. Don't hang by the phone hoping he'll chuck a few crumbs your way. Don't worry what you should or shouldn't have sent. He made you a promise, got your hopes up, ratted on it and he's left you in no doubt that you feature a very, very poor second in his life to a few blokes kicking a lump of leather round a field.

Like them you need to kick this one into touch.....

Naysa · 10/10/2012 07:51

That doesn't sound nice. I can't help but feel that men who suggest these things are all about putting on a show without fabricating anything.
I had been with my OH for five months when it was my birthday and everything he said we would do, we did, you need to get rid and find a good one for the christmas festivites ;)

Original poster
theendishere · 10/10/2012 08:00

Thanks for your replies. To make things worse he knows that things are extremelt stressful for me atm (finalising divorce with ex - separated at beginning of the year) and it helps me to have things to look forward to.
I'd mentioned i'd like to see him the evening of my birthday but am unsure if he's remembered that.
In most ways he's quite thoughtful, appears to like me, but i'm really upset abou the birthday thing but also don't want to sound like a childish brat y making a fuss about it it to him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 08:03

He is not thoughtful at all. Fixture lists are published well in advance and fans know when the big games are. So he was either bullshitting you about the weekend in the first place because he knew he was going to the game. Or he's been offered a ticket since and hasn't even had the common courtesy to call and ask if you're OK postponing the birthday treat.

I'd be just as upset as you are

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 08:11

Your text should have read "Football on my birthday weekend? So you were lying to me about the hotel break? Nice to know where your priorities lie...."

swallowedAfly · 10/10/2012 08:19

don't worry about what you sound like, worry about how you feel and what you think and want and what your instincts tell you. far more important and much better compasses for your life.

who cares how you look? care about who/what makes you happy and is worth investing your energy in going forward. you are getting divorced and just starting out on your new life. set the standards high and be guided by yourself and what you want.

Original poster
theendishere · 10/10/2012 08:21

Yes my text prob should have been along those lines! To be fair when we talked about it he didn't specify which weekend so could have meant the weekend after. but he knows i need to plan, and surely it would have bookes, or at least mentioned if he was stlll planning to do it. I told him when he mentioned it that i was looking forward to my birthday...
Unsure what to do next - seeing him tonight, ironically partly to plan in some time together - maybe i shouls wait to see how tonight pans out before having a go at him

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 10/10/2012 08:29

doesn't have to be 'having a go at him'. can be as simple as being direct as in, "right i need to make plans for my birthday. you said about a hotel break but i'm guessing that's not happening now? so shall i go ahead and make plans with friends or did you want to see me at all?".

having needs isn't demanding. being honest and straightforward isn't confrontational. if you feel really awkward about discussing something this simple, having needs this obvious and simple and being allowed to talk about them then i'd see that as a worry to be honest. are you sure you're ready?

Original poster
theendishere · 10/10/2012 08:32

Yes you're right swallowedafly. I'll see how i feel later and whether to see him tonight. I might just cancel this evening and send a text along the lines you suggested. Then arrange try to arrnage something with friends

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 08:43

I agree with swallowedafly. In the early days of a relationship, when you're still getting to know each other, it's tempting to trip about worrying if you're causing offence or reading things the wrong way. However - ironically - it's the one chance you get to set out your stall on what is acceptable and unacceptable. Miss the opportunity to make your feelings known at this stage and you set yourself up for being taken for granted from now on...

Original poster
theendishere · 10/10/2012 08:46

Thanks Cogito. It's confusing though as in alot of ways he shows he cares, is helpful, love being with him. however this has really uset me. Wish he'd jsut not mentioned the hotel stay at all, then i wouldn't feel disappointed and would have been happy with an evening out - not that that been planned either...

OP posts:
maleview70 · 10/10/2012 09:10

Assume he has a season ticket or something? If not then buying a ticket for a game he could have missed is worse.

Not sure the text was a good idea though. Women (In general) place much more emphasis on birthdays and events than men do. Men might see an 18th, 21st, 30th, 40th 50th as being relatively significant but all other birthdays are just another day.

However to mention a hotel and not come up with the goods is not good. Like you say he should just have not mentioned.

If everything else is ok then its not really a dealbreaker at this stage is it but one to keep an eye on?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 09:11

Then you have to be very clear with him. I'd step away from the texts which are a pretty poor way to communicate and have a proper conversation. BTW do not use words like 'upset' & 'disappointed' .... too weak. You have to explain that you took his offer of a hotel break on face value, have put other plans on hold, are annoyed that he seems to have forgotten all about it and are even more hacked off that some football match, which you've only just found out about, seems to be higher on his to-do list. If he is a caring, helpful man he will make it up to you and will also have learned that you don't take any crap...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 09:26

"Men might see an 18th, 21st, 30th, 40th 50th as being relatively significant but all other birthdays are just another day. "

Sorry, but that's crap Hmm Even the most stupid man knows that it's important to mark the day.

maleview70 · 10/10/2012 09:38

There are ways to mark a day without spending every minute together.

I would have no hesitation going to football on a birthday if it fell that day but would then go for a meal at night out or something. You don't have to spend the full day with someone just because it's their birthday.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 10:03

No-one 'has to' spend a full day but when someone's made promises they should keep to the promise. Right now the OP is lagging a poor third behind a full Saturday of football - so that's out - and Sunday/Monday that he spends with his children.

Original poster
theendishere · 10/10/2012 10:55

Thanks cogito. The main issue is really that he mentioned the hotel stay and has clearly forgotten about it - or possibly is leaving it right to the last minute to book. The Saturday (a few days before my birthday) would have been good to spend together though bcause as you say sun and mon are out becuase of his kids and i'll be with my son on my actual birthday...
Still not response to the text from last night either - not looking good is it :(

OP posts:
Apocalypto · 10/10/2012 10:58

It could be that he looked into it and realised it was going to cost him £300 he's not got.

But I think you're being managed. If he falls over himself making a big fuss of you after 4 months, that's going to become the minimum benchmark going forward. So he's lowering your expectations to a level he's comfortable with, i.e. sod all. Then in future you'll be grateful for anything.

"What did Bloke do for your birthday, theendisnear?"
"He got me some flowers from the petrol station. Still, at least this year they turned up on the actual day!"

See?

I reckon this is how men communicate, and you just have to tune in.

Original poster
theendishere · 10/10/2012 11:01

Doubt that it's a money issue tbh - although could be he's just decided he doesn't want to spend it on me...
Having said that he pays more often than me if we go out so he's not tight

OP posts:
hildebrandisgettinghappier · 10/10/2012 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
theendishere · 10/10/2012 11:29

Sorry to hear that Hilde :(

Kind of feels worse as usually after 4 months people are still making an effort, etc - and doesn't feel that he is

OP posts:
hildebrandisgettinghappier · 10/10/2012 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
theendishere · 10/10/2012 11:49

Guess as Hilde says "It has only been 4m. He should be falling over himself to make you feel special" He doesn't really 0 his kids come first (as i would hope and expect!), followeed by football and then i get fitted in around it

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 10/10/2012 12:22

well there you go then theend. is that the kind of man you want? the relationship you want? only a year on from splitting from your ex to be already being taken for granted and convenient to another man?

how long were you single before meeting him and how was your relationship with your ex? sorry don't mean to go all counsellor on you but i think these are relevant q's.