Birthday....

[theendishere]

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's my birthday in a few weeks and a month or so ago he suggested going away to a nice hotel overnight near the date to celebrate it. Since he first mentioned it he's not said any more about it and he can't ne planning a surprise as i have to plan in advance and my son will be with me on the actual day, so he can't be planning it for then.
last night i mentioned by texr that my son would be away with his dad the weekend before my birthday plus another couple of days and it would be good to arranged to see eachother more (didn't mention bday at this point). His text in reply said he was going to watch his beloved team palying football on the saturday but would be good to do things the rest of the time (the sunday and monday morning are out as he'll have his kids then). So i appears that the hotel stay isn't happeneing! I'd really hoped i'd see him on the sat before my birthday, regardless of what we were doing. I send a text ust saying "footbal on my birthday weekend!!! I think i'll forgive you"x" he hasn't replied. Due to see him later but worried i shouldn't have sent the text or mentioned my birthday...

cannot stop crying now. he did reply to say he's not good company and it's unfair on me to give me more stress. He was trying to sort himself out and so makes it hard to focus on other things and not seem indifferent. I replied to say it would be more stressful to stop seeing him than to carry on and he said he didn't know what was for the best and we could talk tomorrow.
Guess i know what that means but feel i need to talk face to face with him not do it by text

Darling, you don't need to see him face to face, youll crumble and you're going to come across as desperate.

That's not going.to.make him chase you, nothing will.

If he were good enough he'd not be being aloof when you are stressed.

Please, deep breath, do what you have to do.

This relationship is destroying you. The power balance is way off.

oh sweets. now you've said 'it's ok, you can go out with me, sleep with me and have the good bits without having to pay attention, consideration, or priority to me'.

don't be with a man on those terms! for your own sake. it's disasterous.

I know you're all right, but I'll miss him sooo much ans he's kind of become a bit of security amongst the rest of my stress. Will see if he replies about meeting, if not , i def won't contact him again...
Tried to delete pics of him on my phone,but couldn't bring myself to do it :(

You've started loads of threads about this bloke

You're not getting what you want from him. It's not working. You like him a lot but he's not right for you.

Please take some control of your life and stop this roller coaster

I feel like an Alien from another planet reading the advice you have been given here.

The man MIGHT be a selfish git, but not making firm plans now for your birthday which is weeks away is no indicator. There are plenty of straightforward indicators of whether or not someone is considerate.

I also don't understand why you texted "football on my birthday weekend " when you said that was the weekend BEFORE your birthday ?

"not making firm plans now for your birthday which is weeks away is no indicator"

Promising a hotel break and not delivering is an indicator...

That's my point. It's weeks away

It was mentioned and he got her hopes up. OK so it's a few weeks away, but nothing was booked (and if you have DCs to manage you need a bit of notice), never mentioned again, then he airly mentions a football match. Now he's doing the 'I'm not right for you' thing. Maybe selfish isn't the right word but why string her along with empty promises if he was planning to dump her anyway?

Well I wondered if this was one of those posts where the topic ( birthday ) is not the real issue and the OP already suspects he is a selfish git and hence is getting upset in anticipation of sefish gittery on the actual birthday . I don't know about other threads .

After 4 months she probably has a good idea whether he is considerate or selfish but you can't add a birthday that hasn't happened yet to the pile of evidence

Just delete his number - I know it's easier said then done, but then you cannot text him or call him and say something you may later regret.

Having read this and found a couple of your other threads, I agree with what everyone else is saying, you deserve so much better than this guy, think of him as a learning experiance and move on.

As my mum kept reminding me, after a string of disasterous bf's once SBXH and I split, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince" (and let's face it sometimes the frog kissing can be a bit fun. :)

Glad to hear you've arranged some stuff for your birthday - I hope you have an amazing time. x

Awh the end this man is not a good enough man for you.

You should be someone that makes you feel special not shit! I don't think there is any point reading into texts and wishing and hoping you can make it ok, sorry.

I think you need to dump and then work on your own self confidence so you can see that you are worth more than being dicked about. I think it's important for your self esteem that you categorically dump him. Giving him the power to be the one who ends it won't do you any favours in the long run. Which you are doing with letting him to the 'it's not you, it's me shtick'

Why can't you delete the photos?

He's just called but i was in the car so he's calling back in a few mins.

Will try to be cool about things and just see what he has to say...

He said he still wants to see me but is worried that due to his depression he is causing me too much stress and doesn't want to make things worse for me.
We've agreed to keep seeing eachother and see how it goes - which i know probably isn't the 'right' thing to do. However i won't be able to see him much as have now arrnaged so much other stuff

Good luck, theendishere

From what you've said op, you've got enough on your plate without dealing with a depressed partner as well.

All any of us can do is what we feel is right for us at the time with the information we have. I think all you can do is not pin your hopes on him changing when he gets undepressed to be the man you deserve and accept that this is as good as it gets. If how he is now is enough to make you truly happy then fair enough. Best of luck.

notice how the blame for this is piling onto you now OP... He's not good enough, he prioritises everyrhing else above you, but as you're still happy for any morsel, he'll keep you hanging around by saying that it's YOU that is suffering as a result of his depression.

Not his attending footy, oh no. That didn'y get pushed to one side, him passing up the chance of a weekend away with his supposed GF, on a rare away trip? A chance to make things up to YOU on your birthday. He could've chosen to make up for the depression by taking you away, making a fuss of you and he'd be bound to feel good. But instead he'll just pretend he never said anything about it.

This guy is a waste of your time. He's not taking you seriously because you're still technically living with your STBX.

You will miss the idea of a sucessful relationship, but you don't have one. That's not necessarily your fault, but as I've said on all your threads, stop looking for a crutch, get rid of this bloke, get rid of your Ex and see who you are. You won't be missing out on finding the love of your life, there are some transition men to learn from (labrats if you will) first.

Stop thinking that other people are your last chance of happiness, they are not. Only YOU can bring about that change. YOU get to choose the lucky man that will be your forever man. YOU!

Trust me. I'm preaching what I've practised.

Yes i some ways he is a waste of time as he quite clearly doesnt prioritise me. I think it will be a surprise for him over the next few weeks as I'm going to be so busy seeing other people. I've already told him i can only see him one day next week, and having checked my calendar it may at least 1.5 - 2 weeks before i next see him....
He did mention the text re "football on my birthday weekend" when i spoke to him this morning as another example of how he's not being how i want, but my birthday's not til mid week, so not really my birthday weekend. No mention of the trip away - given up on that.
However he is the only person in RL who undrstands whats going on for me at home, and i am the only person who knows about hi depression

He's not the only one who understands, that's bollocks!

He gets the facts, but he's still not there for you.

Where is his gratitude for your 'understanding'?

Come on love, open your eyes, tough it out, put yourself first. This guy is standing in the way of your recovery.

Sadly he is the only one who undrstands as he's been through a difficult split with his ex - albeit 7 years ago and they didn't have to live together while things were sorted. All my friends are married and have such "traditional" lives and I'm the only single one - v v difficult.
He's just got back from a family do - and has text to ask how my evening's been

Oh ffs, stop looking and digging for reasons to be linked to this person.

Do you think he's the best you're gonna get?

That in itself is what should be screaming at you as wrong.

Your self esteem is on the floor,in 4m he has you begging for crumbs.

Stop this madness, start living your life.

You've got the attention of dozens of women that have shit loads of exoerience in splits, depression, you name it.

Use what you have here, not what you don't

Thanks Hissey. No def dont think he's thee best i'll get in the long term, but prob the best atm, when i'm still (stressfully and horrific as it is) living in the same house as stbx - decree nisi will be granted in ust over a week :)))).
And, although i wish i didnt i fancy him more than i've ever fancied anyone - physically just totally does it for me

I'm the only single parent (apparently) in my village, add DV survivor, crap family, exdepressive, suicide survivor, but open heart..

You bloke can beat that, can he? Thats just me!

You have this guy in your life 4m, you've posted more threads about your misgivings than i have about my abusive ex!

That HAS to mean something!

You're clinging to a rock, hoping it'll keep you afloat... When you are still well within your depth, you're more than capable of getting through this, but the reason you're struggling is because of the strife this defective relationship is generating.

A good relationship will help you find your strength, not sap it, confuse you and make you doubt yourself.

You are not in control of yourself in this relationship, that's a red flag.

You are vulnerable, and he is VERY FAR FROM THE BEST.

YOU are the best you can get, you need to see that!