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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Birthday....

249 replies

theendishere · 10/10/2012 07:26

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's my birthday in a few weeks and a month or so ago he suggested going away to a nice hotel overnight near the date to celebrate it. Since he first mentioned it he's not said any more about it and he can't ne planning a surprise as i have to plan in advance and my son will be with me on the actual day, so he can't be planning it for then.
last night i mentioned by texr that my son would be away with his dad the weekend before my birthday plus another couple of days and it would be good to arranged to see eachother more (didn't mention bday at this point). His text in reply said he was going to watch his beloved team palying football on the saturday but would be good to do things the rest of the time (the sunday and monday morning are out as he'll have his kids then). So i appears that the hotel stay isn't happeneing! I'd really hoped i'd see him on the sat before my birthday, regardless of what we were doing. I send a text ust saying "footbal on my birthday weekend!!! I think i'll forgive you"x" he hasn't replied. Due to see him later but worried i shouldn't have sent the text or mentioned my birthday...

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theendishere · 17/10/2012 04:31

I saw him again on monday eve. still no mention of my birthday or planning in time together. he was even talking about a birthday for for a relative he'd been to over the weekend and th present he'd bought, but no mention of even an evning out for mine.
I saw an ex (fron yoears ago, been friends since) at the weekend and current man was clearly not happy about it . So he's jealous of me seeing someone else (even just as friends) but isn;t willing to make plans to be with me - doesnt make sense,

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HissyByName · 17/10/2012 07:21

As a former victim of dv, let me tell you categorically that jealousy is NOT a good thing.

Ime, the birthday denial is typical too, my abusive ex would do ANYTHING to stop any joy in my life. Even when that meant baling on my, or even his own ds' birthday, just to hurt me.

He's fucking with your head.

HissyByName · 17/10/2012 07:23

Abusers strike when we're vulnerable.

You're vulnerable.

theendishere · 17/10/2012 10:06

Thanks Hissy - but sure he's not an abuser. My stbx definatley is so i'm aware of the signs.
It wasn't nasty jealousy - i, too would be jealous if he went out with an ex! Guess i was just feeling lonely at the weekend as friends were all busy, an ex suggested going out. was sooo boring though, won't be going again for a v ery long time!

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theendishere · 17/10/2012 14:08

Anyone there? feeling so low with everything atm, mainly as in the midst of financila negotiations for my divorce and ex is being vile. New man was supposed to be a happy distration but that's not working either

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theendishere · 17/10/2012 14:12

He texts every day around this time o ask how i am, how my day's going and as usual as just done so. Still no mention of my birthday or planning any days together when ds away, and of course not mention of hotel break. why oh why don't i just tell him to go away?

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theendishere · 17/10/2012 19:01

Bump - anyone there? :)

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HissyByName · 17/10/2012 19:05

Jealousy of a male friend that is innocent and way before his time IS nasty. He has NO business sulking. Not when he is investing so little in you.

I see red flags a flying from here, don't be so quick to say that this man is safe, I don't see him as safe at all.

I see that you are a woman that has been abused, but has not had the time to right the wrongs done to you, that has not fully seen how and why you were vulnerable to this kind of guy. You may be aware of the signs. but have you broken the pattern of self doubt, self sabotage, auto criticism? looking here, NO, you have not.

If you don't put the work in now, you will fall straight into the same situation as the one you are trying to leave. You NEED to be single, properly single, grieve your relationship/marriage, and put the strong framework, the heavy lifting work back into your life to build a solid foundation for your future.

There is a learning curve, and one that absolutely can not be short cut.

You have traded in one Category 8 abuser for a category 4 (so far) The ONLY acceptable level of abuse is ZERO.

End it.

theendishere · 17/10/2012 19:21

Certainly right that he has invested so little me - still no mention of my birthday/arrnaging time together - kind of worse firstly in view of the mention of the hotel, then still not suggesting ANYTHING when i've explained how important it is to be to plan a bit ahead and have things to look forward to. I'll try not to text him tonight. Still not sure why he bothers texting everday day and evening to see how i am/how my day's been etc...

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HissyByName · 17/10/2012 19:40

To keep you where he want to.

Not because he loves you, because then it means he has an appendage so is not defective/single.

It's all about him love. Don't you see that?

theendishere · 17/10/2012 21:03

Yes hissey, guess you're right :(
I'm doing well though - not text him this eve, although strangely he hasnt text me either - my lat one to hm this afernoon was quite sarcastic and not v friendly though...

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SweetSeraphim · 17/10/2012 21:34

Matey - just get rid. Look at the anguish he's causing you after 4 fucking months! Seriously, you can do so much better.

theendishere · 17/10/2012 21:41

Thanks - sure you're right. Still nothing from him tonight - got fri and sat nights out planned with friends though :)

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theendishere · 17/10/2012 22:08

anyone else there - dpoing all i can to stop myself texting him...

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theendishere · 17/10/2012 22:21

bump

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storytopper · 17/10/2012 22:55

Don't contact him. I know it is a tough time with your divorce and nasty STBX in the background but it would be going from the frying pan to the fire if you continue with this man.

You deserve more - much more.

theendishere · 17/10/2012 22:59

Thanks story :) He text ed me a a few mins ago asking if my day had got bteer and less stressful - does he really not realise that he is causing some of the stress?! I must not reply - I must enjoy my nights out with friends - repeat....

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Doha · 17/10/2012 23:07

Don't replysit on your hands, hide your mobile, start knittinganything but don't text

theendishere · 17/10/2012 23:42

Thanks :) Doha, Story and anyone else what are your impressions of this guy?

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HissyByName · 18/10/2012 07:39

Does.it matter now what others think? When we've been telling you the same thing for 2m?

You've been posting about this guy from 2m into the 'relationship'.

Its fucked. Its never going to work, not without destroying you in the process.

Click on the link to your Threads I Started and READ love.

theendishere · 18/10/2012 08:16

Hissey - yes it really matters to me and i'm grateful for al yor comments. I'm new to dating as had been with stbx for 11 years.
All your helpful words and comments help keep me strong. I didn't reply to him last night :)

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swallowedAfly · 18/10/2012 08:24

thing is he told you - i'm not going to do anything - i'm not going to invest - and i'm not going to be questioned/criticised about it because hey i was honest and told you and you chose to carry on seeing me on those terms Sad

my impression of this guy is that he is someone who is getting involved with a woman who has been in an abusive relationship, is still living with her abusive ex and clearly wants more from the relationship than him - that is enough red flags tbh without even getting into how he is behaving now!

do you think a healthy, good person would get involved with you in your current situation? i don't think they would unless they were madly in love with you and desperate to get you out of there or make your life as good as was humanly possible whilst you were stuck there.

so why is he? it's quite handy really isn't it - you have low expectations, you are grateful for crumbs, another man has already worn you down etc etc etc.

you don't bounce on from an abusive marriage without some healing time and singleness unless you want to end up repeating the cycle ad infinitum with arseholes. it's just face.

swallowedAfly · 18/10/2012 08:26

fact even!

sorry if i sound harsh but honestly you really need to wake up. there are lots of women on mn who have recovered from abusive relationships and they are a goldmine of advice and that's the advice you need to be seeking and integrating now - not how to dance a painful dance with a player.

ecclesvet · 18/10/2012 08:53

I think it sounds like you set your heart on this sure-thing hotel trip, and then got hurt after he didn't remember an idle suggestion he made 2 months ago. Then you make various comments imbued with hidden meaning, which he has no idea about - how is he supposed to know that 'looking forward to my birthday!' actually means 'you should start planning a weekend getaway' - and when he can't translate them, you get hurt again. You could have avoided this whole thing if you'd simply explicitly asked if he was arranging the trip or not.

Lulabellarama · 18/10/2012 09:24

You need to stop playing games here, you're as bad as he is with snarky texts, sometimes replying, sometimes not.
Just tell him it's over and then cut contact. You're doing yourself no favours at all.