Birthday....

[theendishere]

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's my birthday in a few weeks and a month or so ago he suggested going away to a nice hotel overnight near the date to celebrate it. Since he first mentioned it he's not said any more about it and he can't ne planning a surprise as i have to plan in advance and my son will be with me on the actual day, so he can't be planning it for then.
last night i mentioned by texr that my son would be away with his dad the weekend before my birthday plus another couple of days and it would be good to arranged to see eachother more (didn't mention bday at this point). His text in reply said he was going to watch his beloved team palying football on the saturday but would be good to do things the rest of the time (the sunday and monday morning are out as he'll have his kids then). So i appears that the hotel stay isn't happeneing! I'd really hoped i'd see him on the sat before my birthday, regardless of what we were doing. I send a text ust saying "footbal on my birthday weekend!!! I think i'll forgive you"x" he hasn't replied. Due to see him later but worried i shouldn't have sent the text or mentioned my birthday...

Well around 3 months is when things often go onward and upwards - or bellyup. So I think OP is finding herself cautious at this stage because she is not getting the right "signals" about his attitude towards her, or any future.

I think mentioning fancy trips or treats etc and then not delivering is a pretty horrible thing to do myself. At the very least, to me it smacks of ambivalence. I wouldn't bother replying or texting or anything unless and until he clearly upfront offers you something nice to do, and even then I wouldn't go overboard. Assuming he contacts you again that is ...

Why not put some of the energy you are wasting on this into creating some nice things to do yourself on your birthday or anytime for that matter.

Thanks Jane. I really don't feel like contact him atm. trouble is we are due to go out this evening and I feel that if i cancel it just looks like I'm reacting to his having football that saturday. Howver he knows i wasnt feeling well yesterday, so could just use that as a reason for not going out tonight and then see if he makes any attempt to put things right...
I doesn't help that he is suffering from depression atm, brough on by redundancy lat year. he's been having counselling and has hardly had any 2down2 days recently but did feel low at the beginning of the week

He's just sent a text just saying"how are you today" No mention of football, birthday, etc.... Unsure how to respond

Tell the truth and shame the devil. So he's depressed, redundant, feeling low & getting counselling. That doesn't mean you can't explain - preferably to his face - that you think he should be making more effort for your birthday and that you're annoyed you've been stood up for a football match.

Reply to the text therefore 'we need to talk'...

I thought of that but then he might say he was planning something (he always does things last minute - not a planner like me) and then I'll have ruined it by making a fuss.
Someone in RL suggested just meet him tonight , be bright and breezy, see if he mentions anything face to face, then make a decision from there... so difficult!

So you go along bright and breezy, say nothing and he doesn't mention your birthday at all. You will then feel totally flat and disappointed but you'll probably end up not saying anything because of all his various 'problems'. If he mentions some last-minute idea you'll feel pathetically grateful that he remembered after all.

Please.... say you need to plan ahead, thought he'd organised something, put him on the spot.... be assertive. Don't just drift, waiting for things to happen.

Personally, I would go ahead & make plans with friends for your birthday. I wouldn't give him the option of your company in the evening if he has let you down. Make the man realise that you have a busy & fulfilled life without him. That way he will quickly become aware that he needs to put you first sometimes or you'll be taking other options. Like others have said, this early period of dating defines your relationship. Something similar happened with my birthday in the first year I was dating my BF. I immediately made alternative plans & afterwards told him that I expected more. It turned out that my BF had messed up some dates, hence his mistake & he felt awful that he had screwed up. Yet I was upset because it was him who had made a big deal about my birthday in the first place so had built up my expectations. Nothing similar has happened again & my BF is generally thoughtful & caring. He was shocked that I made alternative birthday plans so quickly which looking back wasn't a bad thing. I think you have to make sure you are treated properly in a relationship otherwise what's the point?

Good point dishwasher. I've decided to give him a final chance tonight to make some suggestions re my birthday and see if he has remembered about the hotel trip ( i won't mention anything) and if he doesn't mention anything, i will make alternative plans which don't involve him.

Is this the guy that won't see you if his kids arrange.a last minute thing? Have you posted about him before.love?

If so.... you know.what I'm going to say, don't you?

Yes Hissy - that's the one.
saw him this evening, went out for dinner - he didn't mention a thing about my birthday/football/ planning days to see eachother. I left earlier than usual and although i Havent told him, in my head it's over

and it's obviously over for him too as he always texts soon after i get home - tonight he hasn't. One to put down to experience i guess - feel sad though :(

In my very limited experience/observation on dating, there are.milestones.

3m and 6m are the first hurdles.

You've had your niggles since 2m iirc. You need to listen to your instinct more.

This guy's not good enough for you, you deserve better.

This is why he's been put into your life, for you to learn exactly this lesson.

Don't be sad! You just got through one Transition Man. You're one step closer to Forever Man!

Nows the time to focus on the divorce, getting out from under the ex's view/life, heal a bit from that, and THEN see what's what.

It'll all be ok. You were in this relationship for all the wrong reasons, understandable as they are, but it was never going to work.

Mostly because of him i hasten to add, but you're not really ready yet either.

Youll see what i mean in time, its not a bad thing.

Chin up chuck, life will get better soon. Promise!

Thanks Hissy. Kind of weird - this morning i feel partly relieved, will miss him in some ways though and fancied him to bits!!!

Why am i now having to resist the urge to call or text him?
So hard :(

I'll try Hilde :)

Definitely don't text. Fill your diary instead with interesting stuff. Arrange to go places and see people. Something nice for your birthday, perhaps :)

Its like giving up fags, you know you have to be a total muppet to smoke, but stopping isn't easy.

He's no good for you.

How are you feeling Theend?

Been busy arrnaging stuff with friends so got a couple of nights out booked in now :)
Feeling sooo sad though - I'll miss alot of things about him and he was a distraction from the awfulness of the divorce, etc
Still no contact from him, and nothing from me. It's weird, never expected it to end this way - with no talk about why. Just total silence from both of us - very sad :(

and now i've just done what i'v stopped myself from doing all day - i text him. wtf couldn't i just leave it???

No not that bad! Just said it was a shame to think that we had such a good day at the weekend, and now it seems to be over...
Guess it could be read 2 ways - even as me dumping him?

Thanks - just hoping it doesn't come accross as desperate. Anyway h'e not replied, so guess it's over from his point of view too :(