Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset :(

274 replies

thekidsmum218 · 21/09/2012 16:48

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

OP posts:
Nevercan · 21/09/2012 17:04

No! Sorry but he not treating you very well and think you deserve better. It's not just any old birthday - it was your 30th. He is letting you down....

amillionyears · 21/09/2012 17:05

Of course you are not being daft.
What is the rest of your partnership like?

examtaxi · 21/09/2012 17:06

Only for staying with him!

lotsofcheese · 21/09/2012 17:08

No, you're not being daft at all. That's very hurtful behaviour. I wonder: does he want out the relationship & is hoping that you'll end it if he behaves badly? I've seen this pattern of behaviour a lot, mostly from men.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2012 17:09

You're not being daft. He sounds utterly selfish, insensitive, unreliable and has his priorities wrong. Do you go to the pub every weekend? Have you spent money equivalent on yourself to his stag weekend and rafting? Or... let me guess... you're stuck at home with the kids and he rolls his eyes if you buy so much as a lipstick?

I think you're not making a big enough deal out of it, frankly. He's acting like a single man, blowing the family cash on himself and taking you completely for granted. If he wants to be single, maybe you should talk a solicitor and make his wish come true?

TurnipCake · 21/09/2012 17:12

He doesn't respect you or value you quite frankly. Of course he's going to try and minimise your feelings by saying you're making a big deal out of it - you're not making a big enough deal. You deserve better and I think you know this too.

What can you do to salvage your 30th? Have another day dedicated to it, do whatever you want to do to make the day special - without him

izzyizin · 21/09/2012 17:20

How long have you been with this man? Are you married to him? Do you have dc with him?

Doha · 21/09/2012 17:20

You are being taken for a mug. He is only paying lip service to your relationship and his friends and social life take priority over you.
Do you have any DC's together?
If not l would be cutting my loses now as this is a big red flag and doeas nor bode well for the future.

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 21/09/2012 17:25

We have been together for 15 years. He moved out in April for financial and personal reasons. Apparently we were supposed to 'date'. He promised me every wednesday we would do something, so far he's only took me out twice.
I have 3 children with him and he does sod all with them.
He never says anything nice about me and if i tell him i love him he says 'i know'.
I just don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
Offred · 21/09/2012 17:26

You are not being unreasonable but what are you going to do about it?

Reading it back, seriously, do you think you are making a fuss? Really? Is there any chance that you really are actually making a fuss?

You need to ask yourself what else is going on that has clouded your vision so much that you need to ask this question?

Offred · 21/09/2012 17:27

X-post.

Why are you just lying down and letting him walk all over you?

Offred · 21/09/2012 17:28

What were his reasons for moving out exactly?

Offred · 21/09/2012 17:28

And is he paying child maintenance?

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 21/09/2012 17:30

I'm at my lowest ebb at the moment.
He's left me on my own, in debt with 3 kids. All i do is work, clean and look after the children.
All i wanted was one day to be made to feel special, like i actually mean something to him.
He's told me to get to the doctors because one minute i'm ok and the next i'm in floods of tears. He thinks i'm bi-polar.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 17:31

why did he move out ?

could you tell us more about that ?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2012 17:31

"Financial and personal"? Get a solicitor. That's what you do. He's taking the piss, keeping you on a string with offers of dates while doing as he pleases. Divorce if you're married. Sue for maintenance if you're not.

sades101 · 21/09/2012 17:31

Break it off with him. It sounds like he is on a power trip and just has you there when he wants/needs you... You deserve better and your kids deserve a happy mum!! He obviously isn't that bothered about making things work, so why not allow yourself to be happy (although it may be hard at first and you might love him) Unless he is willing to do some serious work and maybe some couple counselling... If he isn't willing to do that then just do what's best for you and your children. He must be killing your self esteem if he never says anything nice about you, doesn't tell you he loves you, doesn't take you out at all, chooses his friends over you. I honestly don't see the upside to this relationship - Even if you say you want to be together for the children doesn't make sense as you are already no living together and he is only making you unhappy!! Hope you find the courage to do whats good for you!! xx

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 17:31

I think he is a twat and you should end it

You won't though Sad

Hullygully · 21/09/2012 17:32

STAND BY YOUR MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Offred · 21/09/2012 17:33

You are feeling so emotional my love because you have let him have control. Take some control back and you will soon start to feel more secure and happier.

Pancakeflipper · 21/09/2012 17:33

TKM - please take this as the final piece of rubbish that he treats you. You wanted to celebrate and he's been an arse about it.

Does he just use you for sex? It's not equal this and it doesn't sound like a relationship with fun in it.

I don't think I would make a drama out of it but just stop being emotionally involved with him ( it might take him some time to notice though).

You are worth more than this.

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 21/09/2012 17:34

Offred he moved out because he got the sack on purpose and i wasn't willing to work all the hours god sends so he can play golf all day and then go to the pub.
Plus we were stuck in a rut relationship wise and we kind of thought we needed a break. Strange really. Now i'm sat in the shower every night in tears so the kids can't hear and he's out at the pub getting drunk!

He's just started up his own business so at the moment he's not paying anything towards the kids.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2012 17:34

"He thinks i'm bi-polar. "

You're not bi-polar, you're under a huge amount of emotional, financial and other stress. You've got huge responsibilities and you cope OK most of the time but every so often it hits you like a truck. That's normal for people under extreme pressure. He's OK because he's swanned off living the gay bachelor lifestyle.

Stop looking to him for crumbs of affection because is a coldhearted, selfish pig. All he's good for is money.... start getting it out of him through the courts.

Offred · 21/09/2012 17:34

He shouldn't have so much control over you. He sounds gutless. He had left you without telling you and is dropping hints and hoping you "get it".

chipmonkey · 21/09/2012 17:36

Get rid, get rid, get rid!
He is a twat, you do realise that?
He is "dating" the mother of his children, the woman he lived with. You do know, that's the arse-about-face way of doing things, most people date, then move in, then have kids.
He wants to have his cake and eat it.
You have to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship. From here it looks like nothing.
You are worth more than this!