Upset :(

[thekidsmum218]

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

Thank you Offred. It means a lot x

thekidsmum, my ds2 is 13. I told him what your partner did with the fake proposal.
He looked shocked and said "I think that's the meanest thing I've every heard!"
And sadly ds2 is not a stranger to bullying.

You are asking how you will cope on your own. Love, you ARE coping on your own! This man is not giving your or his children his time OR his money. You are already being both Mum and Dad to your children.

And I mean what I say about the strength.

Almost a year ago, my baby daughter died and my world fell apart. It's one of those things that you hear about, you hope won't happen to you and in fact it's so unthinkable that you never do think it will happen to you.
BUT.... I have other children and a husband. I couldn't fall apart. So I didn't fall apart. If anyone had told me that she would die, I'd have said, I couldn't cope with that. But I have coped. I don't know where the strength came from. But we all have that strength inside, every one of us.

You don't know it yet but you do too.

The kids mum...

Love, and relationships, they aren't meant to feel bad. There isn't meant to be drama and tears, and you shouldn't have to hunt for the good bits cos they should be so big that you can't help but see then.

You deserve so much more than this. You do, I promise. And so do your kids.

Start daring to dream of a future which is better than this. Baby steps, each day. You will get there.

But this isn't ok as it is. You know that cos you sound, quite frankly, to be doing bloody well in such a nasty situation and if you can be doing that now, I can only imagine how well you can do when you stop letting this man, this bad bad man, in your life.

I'm sure your life is complicated. But it needn't be. Not this complicated. There aren't any reasons or excuses for this. Its not ok. But it will be one day. Please make it soon xxx

The letter and the proposal? Mad me so angry/upset I'd offer my car to your mum to run him over!!!!! What a scumhead nutter he is.

And it breaks my heart that you probably posted this only because of the birthday disappointment .....only to unravel backdrop of such mysogynistic abuse and appalling cruelty.

*made, not mad

you are not bi-polar, you are upset because your partner is treating you like shit!

My STBXH walked out on me right out of the blue and I was shocked to hell. I was upset and crying day after day. In the end I went to the doctor and got anti depressants so that I could carry on normal life for my daughters sake.

you are just going through a natural normal process, so do not let him make you think that you are ill.

He is treating you like shit. Kick him into touch, sort out maintenance with him and if he wont then go to the CSA. or CMO I think they are known as now. Sort out tax credits, benefits etc. Stand on your own two feet.

At the moment, he is getting it all his own way. Show him that he cant do that, that you can manage on your own, that you dont need him and then just see what happens.

Also get a solicitor, get legal advice re money, the kids and the property and other assets. The better you are informed, the stronger you will feel and the more secure you will feel

Oh, op, what an utter shit of a man. Bastard, in every way.

I read your op and thought immediately "but you are coping"; everyone has said so, so it must be true!

Women's Aid tomorrow, and solicitor on Monday. Get the finances sorted out, check out where you stand with regard to the children, his stuff, whether you can change the locks etc. Keep him out of your home, if you can.

If he wants to see the kids you may not be able to stop that (though it doesn't sound like he really wants to bother), but if he does, then he can take them out, not poke about in your house using your coffee, milk and electricity etc.mthat's all for another day though. Right now, you need to phone Women's Aid and talk it through with them, see what help they can offer and what advice and support they can give.

How long has he been telling you that you're useless and unimportant, belittled you, minimized your pain and let you know that you'd fall apart without him? because, actually, you are coping extremely well.

Is it stupid that i actually want him home?
We're going to a friends wedding today and i'm dreading it. He'll have a drink then try to make a show of me in front of people. I just wish he loved me, that's all i have ever wanted.
His new line did shock me though and it's made me think. He said ' i'm not laying a hand on you anymore, to do that i'd have to care and i don't give a shit about you anymore'. Who says things like that? I'm so confused.

Please go back and read what I wrote about why he is withdrawing his affection and how he has only temporarily suspended his physical violence in order to try and reassertion control.

It is exactly expected that you would want him home. All of his behaviour at the moment is about engineering this and if you play along things will ultimately escalate and become much worse than they were before as he will have much more confidence in his control than before.

Reassert

Offred is right, i'm scared for you :(

He said he won't come home until i redecorate and carpet the house throughout.
I've organised a night out with my friends for next weekend to take my mind off him. They said i need to start thinking about the positives in life and that theirs more to life than just him. My friend is in the exact same position as me but hers in now in prison for hurting her. It's a common thing around here, the men are all cave men x

there is nothing confusing about that, love

he is telling you, in plain terms, what little regard he has for you

tell him you are going to the wedding on your own, and if he insists on going, pull out citing illness

you don't have to put yourself through this any more

you don't have to put yourself through this any more

the kind of person who says things like that, is exactly the kind of person Offred is telling you he is

we all agree on this thread how awful he is, not one person has said he deserves another chance. Even on the threads where there is really shitty male behaviour demonstrated, there are usually a couple of rosy-glassed, man-pleasing, romantic fools who will try and tell you he's stressed, he's struggling with family life, he just needs you to love him more blah blah blah. Not one of them has popped up

look at all your replies..what do they say to you ?

@Anyfucker. I think i know deep down what i need to do. I just need to find the strength to walk away. I'll speak to womens aid and i'll get the ball rolling with the CSA. He's a scary man, everyone around these parts are scared of him.

I am frightened for you too

I am most frightened that you will accept him back on those terms, and he will escalate the abuse because he beaten you down another notch. His demands are ridiculous. If you weren't so cowed, you would tell him to fuck off

speak to Women's Aid

Don't rely totally on your friends if they are in similar fucked-up situations as you. Their support is great, but I don't think their practical solutions will be the best, sorry.

"It's a common thing around here, the men are all cave men"

Just so the rest of us can avoid it, where is 'around here' exactly? And how are you this morning OP? Listen to the friends that say you don't need him and treat the one with a partner in prison as a dire warning.

Don't tell him anything of what you are doing, love. It's tempting to tell him, in an attempt to "shock" him into realising what he is losing.

No, no, no. He will hurt you, or worse still take it out on the kids to hurt you

no, do not tell me he is a good father at this point, because I will not accept it

Keep your plans close to your chest, don't disclose a thing. And wipe your internet history.

God i'm so stupid thinking that he could ever change. I've not been eating properly recently and i fainted and broke my nose. This year has been the worst year of my life x

I'm in a village just outside of Chester. The amount of men that beat their women is shocking. Nobody bats an eye lid if they see a women covered in bruises round here. It's the norm.
I'm starting to feel angry today to be honest x

I used to want him to hurt me, because the next day is was so nice and gentle. It was the only time i got any attention off him. How pathetic is that! My sister said i need to get some dignity x

Lovey, think of it from his point of view (if you can manage it...it's difficult to step into the black void of hell that is his consciousness for "normal" people)

Why would he change ? Why would he need to ? Human beings only change when there is benefit to them. He has everything his own way. And every time he does something awful, and you swallow it, it firms up in his mind how he is Top Dog and you are a Second Class Citizen.

He might change, but it will be for the worse, not better.

The term is old-fashioned these days, but that mindset of wanting him to just hurry up and black your eye, because it would turn the abuse clock back round to "nice" is typical of "Battered Wife Syndrome". I feel sick for you. I don't know what else to say.

You need professional assistance to remove this man from your life. If you don't seek it, I fear for you.

God i hope non of the mums from my village see this. I'd be so embarressed x

This is the most depressing relationships thread I've read here. So sorry. You're at a turning point. You CAN do this xx

You are being very brave to get all this stuff out. Please us it as a catalyst to disclose this stuff to people who can help you with practicalities.