Upset :(

[thekidsmum218]

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

You need to learn how to recognise what parts of your thoughts are his and which are yours.

E.g. "I won't be able to cope" - him
"he does nothing for the kids" - you

If he does nothing for them, if he provides nothing for them then rationally you are already coping by yourself.

Anyfucker (great name lol) Don't worry about it :)

There you are then - you are working full-time, this is a good thing! Who's name is the house in? Really, you need legal help ASAP. Protect what is yours.

Hold your head up high, you don't need him, he is pathetic

Seriously, go to the CSA, please. If he has money to drink and you are paying his debts you need to offload what debts you can onto him and get him to contribute for the children before he goes on holidays, stag dos and to the pub.

I meant my apology, OP. I stand by my anger at him though and regret that you are enabling him to be a deadbeat dad of the highest order.

The fact he is a cunt is all his own work.

"No we're not married, he said he'll only ever marry once and not to me.
Once he did come home with a ring box, got down on one knee and proposed. When i opened the box it was empty. He was just joking and laughed at me"

that is one of the cruelest things i have ever heard

me too, BR

It made me feel very sad when I read that.

My house is housing association and it's in my name. Infact all the bills have always been in my name, non were ever in his. Which is why i'm in so much debt.
But I've made the first step and spoke to the national debt helpline.
I'm doing things slowly but surely. I'll ring the csa on monday and see what can be done.

i was sad

now i'm really cross

I have had £400 for child support since 2008 when I came off benefits to move in with my now dh. I made the mistake of having a "private arrangement" because xp "had no money". Mug face here realised that was a lie when xp holidayed in Jamaica . We eventually went to CSA in march and he has done everything to avoid it. We have still not had a single payment and he is £1500 in arrears and we will never see the £4,500 he should have paid between 2008 and 2012. Since I have been with CSA though a weight of trying to extract blood from a stone some money to help pay off my overdraft has been lifted as it is them who have to deal with his bullshit and I no longer have to speak to him at all.

he needs to support his children OP - at the VERY least.

what he has done to you is incredibly cruel.. He has worn you down and now you have low self esteem (due to his behaviour) he is taking advantage of you

listen to your mum - she sounds alright...

It sounds daft but the way he is, is all i have ever known. He didn't let me go through the doors for years. People in my village used to joke saying my oh kept me in a cage under the stairs. That hurt me so much.
He can change though, he used to beat me up all the time but he doesn't anymore. But i'd rather take a slap than have this. This is getting right into my head.

Just register a case for them to collect on your behalf and if they assess him only to pay £5 per week at least it is something and if he won't pay the minimum payment then they can take action to enforce it. There isn't really anything you can do if you have a private arrangement and they don't pay.

And please, please go to women's aid. I know there will be so much more to this story and you don't mean to drip feed it is just your normality but the biggest danger you face just now is from what he has planted in your brain. You need to learn to recognise his voice and then to cut it out of your head.

totally agree with thecalmingmanatree

Please contact Women's Aid. You can do this, but you need support.

(it doesn't sound daft, it reads like every case of domestic abuse )

Can you speak to womans aid even though you're not being abused?

You are being abused.

He's done a wonderful thing for you OP - and that is LEAVING!

You can't quite see that yet. But trust all of us here - you're way way better off without him.

You're on track already sweetheart - thinking about your finances and your house. Please let him slip his slimey way away from you.

He did what??!! That's awful! What a horrible thing to do! OP you are worth more than this. If you can bring up three children what sounds like pretty much singlehandedly you are strong enough to do anything.

You are being abused. Right now you are. But yes, you can anyway.

look here to see that you have been, and still are, being abused

And you have been so strong to kick him out my love but you are not safe yet. He is in your head and there's a danger he'll come back into your home by engineering you feeling hysterical and like you can't cope by withdrawing his affection and verbally abusing you.