Upset :(

[thekidsmum218]

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

Oh love, you are being used and abused

This man doesn't love you. Far from it.

This is a letter i wrote to him the day before my daughters 6th birthday.
I'm writing this letter to you because this is the only way i can talk to you with being accused of @going on'.
Tonight i was watching a film, you came in and put the golf on. You didn't even say hello, you just took the remote off me. All i said was 'whats the need in that'. I suppose that's me answering back isn't it? Is that why you hurt me? I dont' understand what i've done? Is that why you spat in my face? is that why you hurt me? I'm sat here at 3am in the morning wondering why? Am i that much of a piece of shit that you have to lash out? Do you hate me that much?
You know that sometimes i say that men say i'm beautiful? It's because you never do. I can't remember the last time you said anything nice to me. Strangers compliment me yet you don't. Do you know how that makes me feel?
Yes i live in the past and that's because i have nothing else.
Do you know what's it's like having someone twice the size of you coming at you and there's nothing you can do to protect yourslef?
You scared me tonight and i mean really scared me. You'll probably laugh but i don't care- I wet myself.
That's how frightened you made me feel. It's only me though isn't it?It's not like i'm anything special is it? I'm just trampy me.
I know how you feel about me, i can see it when we're out. You don't even walk near me. Are you ashamed of me?
The only time you talk to me is when you want me to make a brew or clean up. I'm that depressed cleaning is the last thing on my mind.

I'd go on but it's really upsetting me. This was part of a letter i wrote on April this year. He just screwed it up and chucked it in the bin but i fished it out.

it is really awful. Can you at least see that you are still being abused by him?

You poor love. You simply must leave. Wishing you strength x

He hasn't hurt me since April though. Surely that must count for something?

I think you are being so brave. Sharing this with us. This is the first step, you are asking for help here - there are some lovely ladies here who will hold your hand. They will give you the strength to stand up to this bastard. He has ground you down, but you have found the strength to start this thread. You have been given the number for Women's Aid, this will be the most important phone call you ever make - please please please call them. AT the very least you need to leave this man, but he needs to be brought to justice for the abuse you have suffered at his hands. Im so so sorry that you are going through this, but IT STOPS NOW, RIGHT NOW!!!

No honey, it doesn't count for anything im afraid, he has found something else to take his attention, it probably means you have been more subservient and playing to his demands - if you dare to question him, he WILL hurt you again. How long before he hurts your children?

He doesnt enhance your life, he doesn't bring anything lovely to the relationship.

It will be horrible short term pain for a long term gain in you having a life.

Blurt it all out then with the support on here and in your real life you can get rid of this lazy cruel git.

You've been with this person since you were 15 (and thus naive and with no life experience behind you).

You get nothing out of this relationship and staying in it if you were to choose to will teach your children damaging lessons about relationships. You have to leave him if you and your children want a chance of a better future.

Time to give this man the boot as of now, it is too clear from your writings that he thinks absolutely nothing of you. All he is doing is dragging you down with him and he's taking your children down with him as well.

Not hurting you since April actually counts for nothing; abuse does not just have to be physical.

You are not bi-polar - you are with someone who is abusive.

Get help to leave; Womens Aid can and will also help you here. You can and must get this evil man out of your day to day lives.

I am in tears reading your letter and with the other stuff you've mentioned too. Please, please, please thekidsmum, listen to what the others are posting. They know their stuff.

Contact Women's Aid, see a solicitior and get yourself and your children away from this very pathetic, cunting excuse of a man. What a prick.

He hasn't stopped hurting you, he has stopped hitting you.

He will hit you again if he needs to.

At the moment he is withdrawing to abuse you. It is part of a cycle. The withdrawal is a power play coupled with verbal abuse to destabilise you in your current living arrangement so that you will beg him to come home.

"he hasn't hurt me since April, that has to count for something?" is his voice.

"I'm worried that i cant cope on my own,without him on my life".

In which ways do you think you will not be able to cope?
From what I can see you are coping,and he is making your life worse not better.

OP I just want to add something no-one has said yet.

If you wait till October till you contact the CSA I think it might be better for you. I understand that In October the rules of the CSA will change and any new cases will be based on GROSS income, not net income as previously. This is mainly to avoid self-employed non-resident parents ear marking lots of their salary in "expenses" and "pensions".

As your partner is self employed this would include him. However, if you contact them now, the current rules will apply and we all know how difficult it is to get self employed parents to pay child maintenance.

Could you wait a little while longer?

@amillionyears.
He's always told me what to do, my life was like the military so to speak.
I new how he liked things and what jobs he wanted me to do around the house etc..
Now it's just weird that i can leave the dishes for an hour or have my mum round for coffee. It just doesn't feel right.

not all men are like this

you were unfortunate to get sucked in by an abuser at the age of 15

there by the Grace of God....

it's not your fault he is a cunt

most men are not cunts

there is somebody out there who will love you for yourself, not as an object to terrorise and demean

but while you stay tied to him emotionally, no decent man will come near you

and in fact, when you finally detach from this one, you need a man-free break in your life to concentrate on finding out who the real you is

the real you who hasn't been cowed down by an emotional, physical (and I would bet a lot of money, sexual) abuser

and no, just because he hasn't spat in your face for a couple of months it is not a "good sign"

it's a bad sign...a sign that you are a very long way from detaching from him, and that you need outside help to do so from the professionals who are used to dealing with this situation every day of the week (unfortunately)

You have become institutionalised op. women's aid really will help you.

You ARE being abused.
I am sure you do know this on some level.
If you can summon the strength and support to leave this pathetic excuse for a man, you can come out the other side stronger and a better mum to your children.
Is there anyone in RL that could help you?

look here ,OP to understand why you feel you cannot manage without him

but you can, with help

I'm so sorry you're being treated like this.

Please believe that you are worth better than this despicable man.

You say it doesnt feel right.
In some ways for you,does it feel better to have a bit more freedom?

It's nice having the remote to myself lol. I'm ok then the kids go to bed and i fall apart

Too much time to think about it.

What an utterly shit situation you're in. He's vile. You and your children will be better off without him.

Is it the emotion of it all you want,that helps to keep you with him?
Can I ask if you were in care as a child,or maybe not treated very well by your parents or guardians?

No i wasn't in care. My mum and dad split up when i was young, my dad was an arsehole to my mum.