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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset :(

274 replies

thekidsmum218 · 21/09/2012 16:48

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

OP posts:
amillionyears · 21/09/2012 19:16

Do you have any emotional support from them or anyone other relatives or friends?

amillionyears · 21/09/2012 19:17

You dont have to answer any of my questions if you dont want to.

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 21/09/2012 19:17

Not really no. I don't like telling my mum anything because she has a go at me.

OP posts:
ModernToss · 21/09/2012 19:20

You poor love.

amillionyears · 21/09/2012 19:24

I dont think you will fall apart more than you are at present by properly seperating from him.
I think you may need courage and support and the practical ideas from the posters on here,but fwiw,I dont think you will be worse off,you may even feel a release.

MrMeaner · 21/09/2012 19:39

Every now and again a man crops up on here who makes me ashamed to admit I'm male... This one from what I've read so far has taken the biscuit for prize absolute bastard of the highest order.

He should never hit you. Ever.
His warped sense of humour is sadistic and sick.
He is now living his life as a single man, whilst you are still hoping to stay with him.

He deserves not the slightest bit of your attention or time.
In fact he deserves to be locked up from what I have read.

Please, spend your love on your children and enjoy the true love they give back.
This is not a 'man'. He is a coward who probably thinks he's cool.

Good luck, please do not try and get him back. Please.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 19:42

hear hear

ouryve · 21/09/2012 19:44

No we're not married, he said he'll only ever marry once and not to me.

This alone is reason to get rid. I don't believe that parents should be married to each other, but this is a clear case of him only wanting the milk and not the whole cow, to bastardise a rather common phrase. He's taking the piss and if you have any self respect, he'll not be allowed to continue to do so.

amillionyears · 21/09/2012 19:46

thekidsmum218, sending you and Thanks

mirry2 · 21/09/2012 19:48

Shock Shock op, nobody deserves this treatment

ouryve · 21/09/2012 19:50

he is still hurting you. Just not with his fists.

clam · 21/09/2012 20:13

Well, here's a first. 5 years on MN, hundreds of shocking threads read, but yours is the first that has actually reduced me to tears. Tha letter... Sad

I don't know where to start with anything helpful to say. Thankfully, the rest of the wonderful posters are on form with great support.

whethergirl · 21/09/2012 22:06

Same here, I'm in tears. I can not believe that one human being could be so cruel to another.

thekidsmum218 - you're life could be so much better. You should be looking forward to your evenings, not spending them in the shower crying.

Imagine every evening being relaxing, and you feeling content.
Imagine a world where people close to you respected you, cared for you and loved you for who you are.

This could be your life. This should be your life.

I am so sad, angry and frankly distressed at the way this heartless idiot has treated you. Please take all the amazing advice and support these mumsnetters are offering you.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 21/09/2012 22:19

Come and stay with us here for a bit. I have lots of room, we live near the sea. We can go rock-pooling and have pub chips.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2012 22:21

UA, if I ever need it, I swear I will hunt you down and take you at your word Smile

UnlikelyAmazonian · 21/09/2012 22:32

A few MNtters have come and stayed with us. I think they'd vouch for me if necessary, to give OP reassurance. I have wine. And cake.

Did I mention wine and cake?

Feckbox · 21/09/2012 22:36

UA is a star

Proudnscary · 21/09/2012 22:38

I've just read the whole thread.

Thekidsmum (you are more than 'the kids' mum' btw...though I bet your kids are lovely) - your letter to your fucking SHIT of a partner brought me out in goosebumps.

You've probably heard - we all have - women say 'Oh but no relationship's perfect...my dp does this or this'...

So you might think, 'well you know, he is sometimes quite funny, he is quite fit...he used to take me out for drinks'...

NO.

Your partner humiliates, hurts, damages, assaults, belittles, uses and abuse you. YOU. You who matters. You.

Please, please see your worth. You are worth more than this.

x

UnlikelyAmazonian · 21/09/2012 23:18

Hope you are alright for now OP. Can you update at some point?

theQuibbler · 21/09/2012 23:29

That number again if you would like to talk to someone is 0808 2000 247. They can give you information and support but most of all they will listen and they will understand. And it's open 24 hours a day.

You are already taking steps to make your life - and your children's lives - so much better. And you should congratulate yourself for starting; it's not easy at all.

As he's been violent in the past, please remember to take extra care as you go about rebuilding your life. Sometimes when violent men see change coming, it makes them increase their levels of abuse to get you back down to a level they are comfortable with. You don't need to let him know anything - he doesn't deserve to know anything.

You're doing really well to even get to this point. You've been with him a really long time and it must be frightening to think about what happens next. But your life will be better, loads better! You don't even need to look too far ahead. One step at a time and you'll get there. You've got three lovely children, and you're working full time - that takes skill and organisation - you've got a lot going for you. Best of luck and be as brave as you can be. Smile

whethergirl · 21/09/2012 23:42

OP will you at least take up UA's offer? How can you refuse rock-pooling, pub chips, wine and cake? I bet she has a chocolate stash as well, I know the type.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 21/09/2012 23:45

wonderful post quibbler .

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 21/09/2012 23:53

oh my heavens, you poor thing. i must agree with the others, you've got a really bad man in your life, and in your children's lives. do be brave, you can cope without him and you will flourish.

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 22/09/2012 00:06

I haven't cried tonight which is a good thing. I suppose it's because i'm getting it off my chest.
Thank you for the offer UA. xx

OP posts:
Offred · 22/09/2012 00:24

Yes, keep talking. When you feel weak or down we'll be here.