Upset :(

[thekidsmum218]

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

I think reading my old diaries is helping me to move on. One date really hit me, i can't believe i forgot about it.
My 21st birthday! he went out with his mates and left me sat on the couch all dressed up crying.
I am one mug! x

It isn't inevitable you go back to him, love

You can change the pattern. Stay strong, and the grip he has over you will ease with each passing day. If you can wait it out long enough, it will become manageable. i wish you would get some outside help, though.

@Anyfucker. I know, i'm just upset by his choices.
I've been through the womens aid website over and over again. I even rang them. I lasted about 2 minutes before making my excuses and hanging up. All i did was cry and i felt stupid x

Its good you are trying to stay strong, continue the good work.

when are you planning to tell him its over btw, it might be better to have a deadline?.

I'm just hoping he'll go away and i'll never have to see him again. That won't happen though will it? Wishful thinking.
I almost wish him dead because i'd have no say in the matter. What a horrible person i've become xx

No, not horrible. Just someone wanting a fairy to wave a magic wand and make it all better. What I wish for you is the realisation that the answer lies within yourself

For the moment i'm just going to concentrate on the kids. If i take my mind off him that might help? I just want to be happy with life x

OP,
Have read the thread through this eve. Summary response:

Thanks for sharing - I'm so sorry you've been and continue to go through so much due to this person. I'm so glad you've been brave enough to put it out here.

You've got some really strong, consistent responses to your posting - and advice too. I hope you can re-group regarding your call to Women's Aid and remember you're not supposed to have everything worked out in your head - you're just calling to ask for someone to talk things through - and that conversation can help you and WA work out whether they can help you further.

I got the impression that you're a bit like a see-saw - (internal) forces for change may have made you stand your ground in April and encourage him out after he 'left' his job, make you remember all the hurt/ make you angry about his behaviour, make you make steps towards sorting your own situation out.. And then forces against change make you still feel you need him to show you he cares, make you feel you crave him etc..

Did his reduction in physical violence, more references to how he doesn't care coincide at all with any putting your own foot down? (e.g. after he 'left' his job in April/ did you 'encourage'/ support him leaving etc..) I don't know, I'm no expert but I wonder if he only cares about what he has control over.

Change of any kind always involves a difficult phase. If you've been with someone for so long, from so young, have been institutionalised and undermined for so long - it's going to be more difficult. As long as you realise that you need to get through the difficult phase to get through the light at the end of the tunnel. Hiss's story is v. poignant but hopefully encouraging.

Use everything to get through it - every bit of anger/ frustration with him and yourself/ where he's got you - to remind yourself why you need to move forward without him dragging you down.

I guarantee you one thing. If there are people from your town reading this - a big proportion of them will be wishing you well, wanting you to get rid and move forward - even if they're suffering and too scared to move themselves. Even if they can't say this to you in RL.

good luck and stay strong. And when you said earlier this evening 'he's broken me' - No - he's hopefully continued to break the feelings you have for him.

That man is not going to break you.

Thank you 100mph.
The lovely people who have posted on this thread have made me realise that i am worth something. They're support has been amazing. It's so touching that strangers are there for me, even if i'm just having a moan.

I have a mixture of emotions at the moment. One minute i'm in floods or tears and the next i want to kick something (i wouldn't though). I have stopped ringing him which is huge for me, i always rang him on my break and when i finished work. I have done for years, all because i just wanted to hear his voice. He's noticed that i haven't rang him and he's being nicer. But i'm going to try not to back down.

My kids deserve a happy mummy xx

Your kids deserve to grow up without fear, for themselves or for you.
Give them the best chance for a happy life. Which will be one without this horrible man.

I think he gets it from his dad. He's one nasty git too. I won't allow my son to turn into them x

Sorry- when I said you're like a see-saw - I meant I think having those oscillating (sp?) feelings are completely natural - you're human. You may still have long bits of each day when you feel rubbish/ or want to be with him again - but I have to say it.. Your thread is peppered with positive, exiciting steps! Practical ones like getting advice, emotional ones like stopping the calling. It might help to make a list of all the things you want to do - include smaller, fun things like your pizza/film night with kids that will keep you on track so when you start to think about turning towards some of the old stuff - you can remember the list that's about fulfilling yours/ your kids' needs and wishes - financial, emotional etc..

I was going to say it would be a little bit interesting to see how he changes as you begin to move forward - but I'm not that interested in him. Your future is the key - just keep going, one step at a time. 100x

I'm going to do what a lady said on here. I'm going to take baby steps, it might take months but i will do it. I've made a promise to myself x

Well done,thekidsmum218,well done. x

Here's another person cheering you on xx

Well done, TKM, baby steps get you where you want to be just as well as giant strides. Always remember that you are worth more, deserve more and so do your kids. Tell yourself that everyday.

Thinking of you. Look after yourself. (((hugs)))

OP, I understand how hard it is for you to change your situation.

My ex made me feel like I had the word 'worthless' branded on my forehead. He delighted in humiliating me in public and I went through many mortifying situations before we broke up, and it wasn't even me that initiated the split, I'm embarrassed to say. He also refused to marry me (we have a DS together) and when I became pregnant again he informed me that there was no way he wanted me to have another child of his. This while we were still in a relationship. He was violent too, and unfaithful to me.

We also started living apart (he threw me out so I had to find another home) but even after that I was always there for him, sexually and doing his washing, feeding him etc. What a fool I was.

To be honest I managed to make the break after another man made a pass at me at a party and I took him up on it. A one night stand is not the best way to do things but it drew a line under something for me and after 6 years of pain with XP, I started to look at my situation in another way.

I only wish two things: that I had made the break years before. And that Mumsnet had existed then to advise and support me. I think it would have made all the difference.

Take all the help you can get here, these people are amazing.

This is your thread, TKM. Keep coming back to it.

"I'm just hoping he'll go away and i'll never have to see him again."

I'm not so sure this would be a good thing to be honest. In the short term it would be easier for you as you wouldn't have to take the initiative in making a permanent break. But, assuming you do make that break, I think it's easier to move on if you have completion of the relationship. I'm not putting this very well... but if later on you feel there is unfinished business it can be hard to put it behind you.

OP I hope that I didn't talk about myself too much in my last post, I meant to demonstrate that you are not alone in your experience and that others have found a way out - you will too.

TKM

YES! Baby steps- but actually you have made several BIG ones without noticing really. Just my thoughts but reflecting them back to you hopefully will help you realise how well you are doing. (sorry if that sounds patronising but you are!)

1. You actually contacted WA- knowing they are there but then actually making that call is VERY difficult as it's the start of acknowledging that yes you need help but that it is not your fault/weakness but his that has brought you to this point don't be afraid to ring back anytime, I'm sure a few tears down the phone to them is not unusual.

2. You are breaking the dependancy on him slowly.....the phone calls & the refusal to play happy families at his dads birthday meal. Great assertive steps that say (to me at least) that you are taking back control of your actions. Again another biggie as abusers reduce your confidence to the point where you question your own name at times.

3)You are revisiting your diary & reminding yourself of his true nastiness & vile behaviour.While upsetting it serves to keep you focussed on getting away from this monster.

4. I think he gets it from his dad. He's one nasty git too. I won't allow my son to turn into them Keep that thought it's the best one yet.

Wow, TKM, I have just read your thread. I am so sorry for all the disgusting things that pig has done to you.

It does sound like you have made some progress though......I think it is a series of lightbulb moments you seem to be experiencing.....

He is an abuser
He has abused me
He is abusing me
All my family and friends have normalised this - of course I thought it was normal?
Other people don't actually live like this
My children are at risk here too - of becoming like him / accepting it like me
I don't like my life and don't want this to continue
I don't know how to change
I don't even know who I am

At some point, you will get to the point of saying, I want to change. I want to do my life differently. And this is how I am going to do it.

Just keep talking. Mumsnet are amazing and brilliant. You can say anything you want. Anything. We are on your side. We want you to have a normal respectful life.

Just a note on phoning WA, it is sometimes helpful to actually write out a script of what you want to say.

Something like:
"I am being abused by my partner. He has injured me badly in the past and I would like some help in getting him out of my life"

They will take it from there.

OP it's really good to see your perspective changing.

The see sawing emotions are you coming to the surface, of waking up to your need to be respected. Very painful, but healthy too.

That's a great idea about the telephone script mcmooncup