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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset :(

274 replies

thekidsmum218 · 21/09/2012 16:48

Hi all.
I'm new to mumsnet so i hope i'm posting in the right place. Here goes..
In August i was 30, normally i dread birthdays but i was really excited about this one. I had been going on about it to my OH all year lol.
He had promised to take me away for the weekend and he said he was going to spoil me. Instead he went on his mates stag weekend a few days before and then on my birthday he seen me for maybe 5 minutes, in his car!
He got me nothing, just a card because he said he had no money. Even though he could afford to go abroad with his mates and he's at the pub every weekend.

He said he was going to make it up to me and he was going to take me out last week, instead he went white water rafting with his mates. He thinks i'm making a big deal out of it but he has really hurt me. His mums birthday is a week after mine and he managed to get her a gift. Am i being daft?

OP posts:
Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 28/09/2012 17:36

Today has really been hard. He's finally broken me.
I went to have tests done on my cervix (my sister had cervical cancer so i was terrified) and i was told that i needed a lift home. I asked OH but he told me he was busy. I had to walk home jelly legged and feeling out of sorts. I'm devastated! Then he told me i was a drama queen because i put a hot water bottle on my tummy. I've had enough, he can do one for all i care x

OP posts:
amillionyears · 28/09/2012 17:41

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.
When do you get the results? And how is your sister.
Sending hugs and Thanks

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 28/09/2012 17:47

My sister is doing brilliantly thank you. I think she's more upset by the fact that she has been told she won't be able to have children naturally.
Shame really because she would make a fine mum.
I was told the results could take up to two weeks, so i'll be in a flap for the next fortnight.
Plus i'm not pregnant thank god x

OP posts:
amillionyears · 28/09/2012 17:52

Very glad about your sister doing well,but sad that she can no longer have vhildren naturally.
And good that you are not pregnant.

Waiting isnt nice but never lasts forever.
Hope you have a nice quiet evening.

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 28/09/2012 17:55

I'm planning on having pizza and a film with the kids.
Thank you for being there for me, it's means so much xx

OP posts:
queenofthepirates · 28/09/2012 18:17

Just seen this thread, you are one strong momma x

SlightlyJaded · 28/09/2012 20:57

TKM I am so glad to see you back here.

He really is a piece of work isn't he?

Do you think that finding out you are not pregnant might be enough for you to finally make the break? I know that right now you are probably focussed on your test results - of course you are - but really, he is not even there for you now FFS

I am so Angry and Sad for you. Be strong. X

Jux · 28/09/2012 23:33

Very angry on your behalf. He should be there for you, making you tea, giving his shoulder to be cried on, cuddling you and telling you he'll love you forever whatever, making you dinner, putting the kids to bed, bringing you flowers and chocolates, telling you not to worry, planning a fantastic day out for you all tomorrow, organizing a babysitter so he can take you out in the evening.....

What's he up to instead?

And you want to hang onto him? Just take him to the cleaners and find a decent bloke who recognizes what you're actually worth.

BlatantRedhead · 29/09/2012 08:41

OP I've just read about the ring and could just cry for you! What a cruel, hurtful, hateful thing to do! No man should ever do such a nasty mind-fucking thing to a woman he loves! He is horrible and not good for you in any way. And you sound so sad in your posts :-(

Please, please tell him to go away and not come back.. It will be no different to how you are raising the children already (alone), no harder to cope with than coping with his cruel, sick little jokes.

My DP just said if he knew you he'd have kicked two tons of shit out of your DP for that 'joke'.

BlatantRedhead · 29/09/2012 09:02

Oh god, the letter! You poured your heart out and he threw it away?!!

Oh OP Sad please, get away from him, he doesn't care about your feelings, he will keep abusing you until he destroys you.

AllPastYears · 29/09/2012 11:25

I really don't get what you see in this man. How about you make a list of his good qualities that make you want him? I don't mean a list of your feelings (like you "love" him Confused) or a list of habits/worries (like you "can't imagine life without him", or him getting angry if you leave). I mean a list of his actual, positive qualities.

.
.
.

Is there anything on your list yet?

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 01/10/2012 14:29

My list ended with 4 what i like about him and 42 hates. Says it all really.

Today i feel like an emotional wreck, i'm trying to quit smoking and i have had one hard day in work.
Oh told me he was taking his dad out for his birthday for a slap up meal. He wanted me and the kids to go to make an effort. I refused, his dad is one vicious, shit stirrer. Out of all the family it's only oh still speaking to him but i've ended up being the bad guy.
I told him i was upset that he couldn't make that amount of effort towards me. He called me a drama queen and said that i have to get over it. My head is totally baffled with it all. I don't understand how he can treat me like i'm so worthless. What's more baffling is why do i keep letting him do this to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 01/10/2012 14:31

Sorry, at the moment all i do is moan. I wish i could be me again x

OP posts:
badtime · 01/10/2012 14:55

TKM, you are not moaning, you are working things through. It seems that your D-for-disgusting H has tried to convince you that you are not allowed to feel anything negative - you are 'moaning' or being a 'drama queen'. It is normal to feel distressed in distressing circumstances.
Your husband is the one whose behaviour is inappropriate, in so many ways. Don't listen to his put-downs. Don't live life by his rules.

Mypopcornface · 01/10/2012 21:19

Why are you still with him again???

Mypopcornface · 01/10/2012 21:23

What are the 4 positives things about him on your list?

AnyFucker · 01/10/2012 21:36

We are still here for you, OP x

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 01/10/2012 23:16

He's the father of my kids.
When he was here he made the tea everynight.
I feel complete when he's here.
I can't remember the last one.

God that's a crap list x

OP posts:
Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 01/10/2012 23:17

I'm still with him because i'm thick. I still have hope that he'll change x

OP posts:
Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 01/10/2012 23:18

I just crave him, he's like a drug to me. x

OP posts:
Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 01/10/2012 23:22

Thank you Anyfucker xx

OP posts:
KillerRack · 01/10/2012 23:24

Are you back with him again OP?

xoxo

AnyFucker · 01/10/2012 23:31

That list of 4 (3) ?

(1) he may have provided the sperm, but he is not a good father to his kids

(2) he made the tea, whilst making you feel worth less than shit

(3) you are co-dependent on the misery, and so used to it that it has become your "normal". It will become your children's "normal" too, I am afraid.

(4) you crave him...refer back to point (3)

Original poster
thekidsmum218 · 01/10/2012 23:31

He's sniffing around but i'm trying to stay strong. He's asked if he can take me out tomorrow but i've said no. He'll always be around me because we have kids, it's just a shame he is the way he is x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/10/2012 23:32

It's not a "shame", it's a choice he makes

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