Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Youcan - I read in your last post that you said by concealing it, you feel ill, but by confronting it, you feel better? Did I interpret that right? If so, do you think that means you are coming to a point where it is the right thing for you to confront it, and take it to task as it were?

I know I kept lots buried deep before, and in the last few mths it has been impossible to keep it hidden or hide it, or shield my emotions from it

I have no idea why

Not doing bad things btw, just not sure what to say yet.

That's ok Offred, we're here when you're ready.

Cailin, I got really homesick the 4 years I was away, stupid little things like morning rolls and yum yums and barrs etc, I feel better for being home but don't really fit in. Going back to my "clan" homes was unbelievable and I felt truly at home so am contemplating relocating to one of them if I can.

Hugs Offred, cake?

Belle, can't you get nhs councelling?

Youcan, getting it out is hard but worth it.

Dotty, mines coming to an end soon too :(

Without this and a fantastic friend I don't know if I'd be in one piece

CailinDana - I hope you manage to get the help that you need hun. I too have not managed to go for councilling. It seems to be a hurdle I cannot get over.

offred -

dotty - has your councilling help with coping day to day?

Belle - when you say that you found your emotions impossible to hide....do people around you know what happened to you? DO you have support? Or do you withdraw and make excuses (like me)?

Youcan yes I'm better than a few months ago but mines rather complex

youcan - impossible for me to hide from myself

but very very important for me to hide them from family and friends

only here, do I find it all coming out, and with therapist, only as it is forced chat, but necessary, as the biggest part for me is feeling that I had no voice, which as a human, is essential, to feel human, I think

so this at least, gives me back my voice. And boy do I use it here, rambling away, taking over discussions and the like (sorry again everyone)

the emotions I mean

You're not taking over discussions Belle, I get the voice thing, for a long time I couldn't express myself but now I'm getting there.

Belle you have just as much right as anyone else to talk, and you don't take over, you offer your viewpoint and you listen to others which is exactly what is needed. No more apologising for posting!

oh thanks ladies
i just get sooo paranoid - even with friends, see I haven't even met any of you in RL, and here I go again, wondering 'if they really like me'. Now looking at this from my therapists viewpoint, she would say, but where did you learn to think that no one would want to listen to your voice, or hear what you had to say...

then I see how daft I am for thinking it

as honestly, you are a real boost to my days, trying to work through so much shit, and to get a RL person to listen, would be pretty hard work. But this makes it easy

So cake for all of you. And gin. Except I'm off the bloody booze since starting the AntiD's. Bollox. Anyhow, I'd make you tea if I could.

Just want to say thank you for listening, it really means so much. I will try to stop apologising too Cailin. Although this is from the person who apologises to parked cars every other day in RL, so it will be a hard habit to break for me

Nice quiet house here, DCs asleep and DH reading. Like a quiet man who reads.

I struggle with believing people want to hear me too Basil. I think that's actually something a lot of women struggle with, whether they've been abused or not. Society tells us that "women's issues" are a side line, stories about women (chick lit) is silly non-literature, and that women who stand up for themselves are bitches. It's very hard to fight against that.

I'm really glad the thread is helping.

I'm doing some writing, which is a really positive thing :)

I'll take some cake...

Belle, you sound a lot like me, paranoid, apologetic, booze free :o

I know the paranoia, I'm still waiting for someone too tell me I'm pathetic and should fuck off but it's slowly going. And, for once, I actually would like to be liked here for me as I really respect everyone whose posted here.

Yeah Cailin, really? Oh I'm so happy :o

Olympic.

I rarely do anything for myself and writing feels like a huge indulgence. But here I am, treating myself! Revolutionary :)

What are you writing?

Theoretically, a book. I started another one but it meandered off into nothing so I've started something new. It's more my voice and it's pretty grim, but nonetheless I am enjoying writing it.

Sorry should be more specific, it's fiction, and it's about a woman who starts out with an abusive childhood but who goes on to be pretty badass.

Wish fulfilment perhaps?

writing here since I started therapy - therapist wanted me to write it all out, so I did, so she liked it, said I should do it weekly.

And so surprised, it just flows. Am trying to read more books, to get better turn of phrase with stuff. I write just stream of consciousness stuff, very rambly, but feels so productive and useful to me to get it out onto a page. I guess that is why there have always been writers, it is such a satisfying way to spend an hour in a day I find

What are you writing Cailin? Do you want to share, or just eat cake with me

sorry x post

Cake for Ofred & Cailin

Tea for Olympic, from a warmed pot, with a tea cosy!

Tea and cake waiting for Dotty/Youcan/Lurkers out there, come in, cushions, tea, gin, cake - better than football or any tv show

Don't think I could write. That sounds interesting and cathartic cailin and belle both!