Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

NIght all.

Night

Morning all. I had a terrible night's sleep last night. Took me ages to drop off in the first place, which is very unusual for me, then a wine glass randomly fell off the counter in the kitchen and smashed very loudly at about 1:30 waking both DH and me up. DH went down and cleaned it up, bless him, but of course it took me another age to get back to sleep again. DS was up at 6 so I didn't get much sleep overall. Tired. Yawwwn!

How is everyone else?

Still in bed didn't get to sleep properly until 6ish then DH's alarm went off and he left it on. Must get up soon have house to clean and dr to phone

Got about 6hrs sleep but have a crik in the neck.

Panicked because I don't when my mother is going to turn up and remembered another "not nice story" she tells everyone about me when I was young.

Dotty, hope you get to see the doc.

Cailin, weird about the glass, hope it's not a tiring day.

Am out most of today.

Yeah the glass was really weird, scared the bejesus out of me!

Hope you have a good day Olympic. I'm off out in a minute too.

Dotty, how are you feeling about going to the GP?

Tis quiet in here. How is everyone?

oh hello Cailin, how was your morning? Am off out just now, but thanks for the words last night. Very tired, DCs both woke in the night looking for cuddles. YAWN

STILL wondering to myself, how will I know when I'm 'over' the whole thing with parents? Did anyone have anything which made them think progress is being made?

maybe I'll ask therapist next week for some feedback as to what she thinks my plans should be, as up til now she's just been listening as I waffle on and cry and faff and cry and rant...

MN was broke Cailin just told DH about the weekend he's not impressed with me did make appointment for my usual Dr but thats for my ears.

I had a really great morning actually. Got chatting to some lovely mums at the toddler group and had a great old natter. Poor DS was a bit neglected though, not that he minded much! Was nice to just witter away about things and feel like I'm making some friends :)

I think rather than focusing on being "over" it I think you need to identify specific things that you still struggle with, like your mother visiting, and think about ways to deal with them. I'm not sure there is a point where you can say "I'm over it," but there will be a point where you can say "Yes, I'm sad about it but it doesn't affect my life any more." Does that make sense?

Why is he not impressed with you dotty?

getup thats what she's there for to listen she sounds good mine listened explained how the brain worked with memories and how majority of my childhood behaviours where actually now known to be glaringly obvious signs of sexual abuse she brought a worksheet out on several occasions 'house of horrors' basicaly how you felt you where in life.

Usual he can't deal with me wanting it over permanently told him once it was over I could finish it properly once and for all

told me don't you dare

How did you feel when he said that dotty?

Doesn't change how I feel I know he cares but is it enough he could move on don't think I ever can

Did you explain that to him dotty? I know when I was suicidal, people telling me not to do it made me angry because it felt like they were expecting me to carry on with a shit life just to suit them.

No I can't just very numb at the moment no anger

Thats the problem I have no-one here only 1 friend having DH and the kids isn't the same sick of pretending everythings ok when its bloody not

It's ok to feel the way you do dotty. I know it's utterly shit though :(. Am I right in thinking that at the moment you feel like you're going to hang on until the trial is over and then you're going to commit suicide?

Havn't a clue if I have the guts want to end my life though never felt so horrible in my life do it now if i thought justice would be served but without me theres not enough

Could you tell your GP you're feeling this way?

She'll think I'm crazy when she gave me the sleeping tablets in October she made me promise I wouldn't do anything stupid

What makes you think she'll think you're crazy?

Just the way I feel right now think I am