Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Wow that sounds amazing! Are you worried about going?

Yeeeesss, come with me!

Before my breakdown I had no problems with crowds, now? but the orchestra under the stars, cries.

I'm not keen on crowds either so I can totally understand your reservations with that one. Seeing as the tickets are free could you convince yourself to go on the understanding that you can leave whenever you don't feel comfortable?

Can I gatecrash? I'm afraid I gave up reading at the beginning of part 1 of these threads. I'm in the position of not knowing for sure but wanting to know and then not wanting to know.Lately I can't stop thinking about it and because the memories are vague and distant, I feel awkward talking about it unless I can find some evidence. Do you think it's true that if I have the feelings and images, it's likely that something happened?

Of course you can join the thread Tombliboo. Don't worry about not reading the thread. It's hard to say whether it's likely something happened or not, all I can say is that it is common for abuse survivors to bury memories and then to find it difficult to retrieve them fully. I have some very clear memories and then some other memories where I know what happened but I can't actually remember it clearly. What first made you think something might have happened?

Hi Tombliboo, I have some memories of the abuse but not all of it. The memories I don't have are due to dissociation, this is normal and the brains way of protecting yourself from harm. I'm sorry you've been through that. Big hugs. Are you getting any councelling.

Cailin :o I can mn if I panic!

Yeah coffee we can talk you through it :)

Thanks for replying. I've had the images and awareness since my early teens and can see the effects on my life. There was lots of violence too but that's easier to talk about somehow. I've been in one kind of therapy or another for many years but never approached with anything other than very veiled references to 'stuff in the past'. Therapists are very nervous about the subject when memories aren't clear for fear of being accused of implanting false ones. I'm dissociated pretty much all of the time and have been able to put it away but, since having my daughter, my mind is doing overtime.

Just popping in to say hello :)
Everything is very difficult at the moment and I don't have any time to even think about my past, but I am seriously fecking angry about things at the moment, so might come back for a little rant soon if thats ok. Having to be civil to the arseholes who ruined my life is proving to be rather tricky!!
Hope everyone is doing ok

Tombliboo, I found lots more memories came out after having my eldest. Things will come when the time is right, just try to relax and accept things.
I hope you are finding this thread supportive, it was great for me

I'm so sorry you've struggled with this. How are you doing at the moment? How old is your DD?

Hi Amitola, hugs, x

Thanks Amitolamummy.
My dd is 21 months. Lately my nightmares have returned and I wake up feeling terrified. I've tried asking my mum about it but her recollection of the past bears no resemblance to mine.

Tombli, it's very possible your mum has her own way of dealing with it. Is she supportive of you otherwise?

Nightmares are awful, it's often a way the brain processes stuff you haven't properly dealt with. Grounding techniques are good, I often cuddle a teddy bear at night. If you're in therapy could they go over some grounding stuff with you?

Hi Amitola! Nice to see you again. What's happening?

It's very common for memories to resurface when you have children. Do you want to talk about the kinds of things you're remembering? How is your relationship with your mother in general?

Sorry that second paragraph was directed at Tombliboo

Evening just home in answer to your question Cailin I thought sil and I got on but she is quite abrupt and when I started this she had a go at me saying I should of done it years ago instead of crying about it. Both her and neice walked by me in supermarket a fortnight ago. Think they want her to testify that I told her 16 years ago the more back up about it not being something recent the better but its right through my medical notes as well. My own gp put all the womens problems I've had down to this as soon as she realised it was D&C I had and how young I was when it started she always thought I was about 10.

Hi Cailin and Coffee!
Just fighting through the court to keep my babies, having to put up with my arsehole mother who allowed me to be abused and still calls me a liar. My ex is saying i'm an unfit mother and wanting far more access than is fair or safe. This is because he wants me to drop the orders against him.
My sister is constantly saying I have to drop the court things or my children will end up in care. This is not true and is doing my head in.
Everytime my mother comes here my sister phones up constantly and tells my mother things to say to me. My mother is constantly saying i'm lying and believes every word my sister says. Oh and she is psychic so she knows everything, therefore I must listen to her.
I just want to bash my mother over the head and run away with my babies, but instead I have to be calm and stable.
I can handle the fact they want to ignore the abuse, but I can't handle them calling me a liar and thinking they can come in and contol my life now. I was feeling great after finally getting my ex out of my life but now my mother and sister are back i'm being controlled all over again.
To top it all off, the court will be draggin up all of the past and the 'mental health problem' I suffered. I don't have any, I was abused and struggled to deal with it but because the fecking police covered it up, its just classed as allegations and makes me a bad mother apparently.
Sorry for the rant. It just feels like things will never be any better. I put so much effort into getting past the abuse, now i'm trying realy hard to get away from my ex and keep my children safe and i'm back to square one with my stupid family. Grrrr

My mum is very needy and never had the moral strength to protect me when I was little. She believed that having a house was more important than not living with a violent man. When I started acting out, it was my fault. Social Services got involved but nothing came of that. I don't understand why I didn't say anything to them.
The clearest memory I have is playing a game with my half brother. He would ask questions and if I answered with a no then I had to take a piece of clothing off. I remember lying in bed and being touched and later trying to kiss my little brother because I thought that was what you did.

It sounds like a very complicated situation dotty. It seems unlikely that she will testify, what do you think?

Amitola that all sounds incredibly stressful. Do you have anyone supportive on your side?

I'm so sorry to read what your half brother did to you Tombliboo. Do you have any contact with him these days?

Cailin if she's called she won't have a choice.

I didn't realise that, I thought there was the option to refuse to give evidence against your spouse, but maybe that's only in America

Amitola, what utter fucking bastards, what help do you have? Mind/CAB/womens aid/Rape Crisis might be able to help you, keep strong, you've done so well.

Tombli, I'm so sorry your mother wasn't a help to you at all, what contact do you have with the rest of your family?

Its not against him its my other brother that abused me hell if he'd had girls it would have been done as soon as they where born.

He had 2 sons one died of neurofibrematosis at 13 I was the evil cow who said that was his fathers punishment. Chris didn't do no wrong and he was a gorgeous little boy last saw him at 5.