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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

999 replies

CailinDana · 09/05/2012 12:22

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
Dirona · 25/05/2012 13:44

rotting in the shed. Just waiting for her to pick them up.

I blocked her on skype, don't answer her phone calls and only reply on email when I want too.

It's easier I think because I've realised she just doesn't see me as a person.

I'm changing my life and filling it with people who do see me as a person.

My therapy really helps and talking it out on here.

Sorry for xpost and ranting.

Belleflowers · 25/05/2012 14:42

it sounds like we all have methods in common with how to deal? Amazing somehow that it is so similar in a strange way

Dirona · 25/05/2012 15:45

I linked on here a few days ago about how to deal with difficult people and how to win an argument.

I've just had to put it into practise dealing with someone who felt it was easier to ignore what I was saying and lay the blame at my feet. I managed to turn the tables, stand my ground and tell the person that I will be taking action against that persons failings. I'm shaking.

Sometimes it feels like I'm a punchbag for everyone else.

Dirona · 25/05/2012 18:29

Sorry that sounds a bit mad. Basically I complained to my housing officer about anti social behaviour from dv neighbour, including threats, verbal abuse and damage to my property, police reports included. The housing officer basically said I was over reacting because of my problems, which I was starting to believe. So today I stood up to her, she's threatened to get me evicted, I've put a complaint in and going to go to her boss. There's a new born baby living with him so I'm going to make someone listen.

Dirona · 25/05/2012 18:33

Sorry for derailing the thread.

Hope everyone's ok.

Original poster
CailinDana · 25/05/2012 19:05

You haven't derailed the thread Dirona. I'm glad you stood up to the housing officer. How nasty of her to say you were overreacting "because of your problems" - what a fucking bitch! Who the fuck is she to judge how you should react?

What ideally do you want to happen wrt your neighbour?

OP posts:
Dirona · 25/05/2012 19:19

She is a bitch, I refused to allow her to enter the property so she lowered her voice and to threaten me then said loudly oh what a beautiful day, so I said yes and now I can go outside without being threatened, She literally scuttled off.

I have just obviously filmed them outside my property. What do I want to happen, ideally, someone to show them how not to abuse people, how to care for each other and their baby without all the abuse. Of course he's making it out to be all my fault. Never ends!

dottyspotty2 · 25/05/2012 19:20

Doesn't sound mad at all if more people had the backbone you showed the world would be a better safer place, that housing officer needs a bloody talking to cheeky cow your problems are none of her fucking business and you are reacting to protect an extremely vulnerable child who can't defend themself.

Original poster
CailinDana · 25/05/2012 19:21

It sounds really stressful. IME in cases like that no one wants to intervene, they just carry on ignoring it until the woman (usually) finally decides to leave. Have you considered calling SS?

OP posts:
Dirona · 25/05/2012 19:26

I'm not making sense am I. I could report them to ss.

That housing officer has made me question myself and actually think I'm over reacting. Argh I'm so stupid. How the hell can she not see what he's like, he calls his girlfriend a stupid fucking bitch and tells her to shut the fuck up.

I hope her boss listens to me, they anti social behaviour policies. I suppose it's easier for them to shut me up than deal with him.

dottyspotty2 · 25/05/2012 19:29

Thought he'd gone though has she allowed him back in? x

Dirona · 25/05/2012 20:11

Sorry xpost.

Cailin, hopefully after the last police incident something has been logged with ss but I can call them too.

Dotty, she has gone with him, he's told her I'm a complete witch etc so she's believing him. I doubt she'll see sense he's already put her in hospital a few times.

They've moved about 10mins away. All I can do is call ss and put in my complaint as the housing officer is making me out to be the one with the problem as opposed to having problems because of dv neighbour.

Dirona · 25/05/2012 20:32

Dotty, I did nc after posting about a similar situation but thats going good and progress is being made. This situation another one

I don't know how professionals can't see abuse. It's come up time and again on this thread and I can't comprehend it. I really feel like I'm going crazy.

There is no way to stop the cycle of abuse unless society does something.

dottyspotty2 · 25/05/2012 20:37

Sounds like EA abuse as well he seems to have her brainwashed into believing every word wtf doesn't she see through it and think of her baby before it's to late. x

Amitolamummy · 25/05/2012 21:02

Professionals don't see it because they are very clever and manipulative and women don't leave for many many reasons. I always thought it was that simple and people should just leave but the tactics used to keep you there get worse and worse.
Its very lonely being in that sort of relationship and it doesn't get any easier when you come out, in fact people just judge but never want to hear what actually went on

Dirona · 25/05/2012 21:04

I know Dotty Angry everyone has complained about him and now her. I think it's driving them together but now they have a kid.

I know everyone on the thread has struggled with feeling like a bad parent but it's not true, the bad parents are the ones who don't think they are.

That housing officer has left me feeling like I'm crazy! Maybe thats why no one ever does anything.

Original poster
CailinDana · 26/05/2012 20:06

Hi all. It's been quiet here lately, clearly the good weather it taking everyone outdoors!

The sun has done no end of good for my mood. I find the heat hard going but I do enjoy the brightness and being able to get out and about with DS.

How is everyone else doing?

OP posts:
Belleflowers · 26/05/2012 20:34

Great thanks for asking Cailin,

I've been out at DC birthday party today, so great to see him with his little classmates. Quite emotional if I'm honest on their birthdays, to think back to when they were just little newborns

Also been at the beach this morning, it's just a 5 min walk from our place. So grateful. DH went and got newspapers this morning and brought me back a surprise coffee from the cafe - such a treat for me to get a coffee like that.

He's such a kind soul

Like I said, so appreciate very simple things in this life now, such as random acts of kindness from DH or a quiet evening of peace in our home watching tv

How was your day? And everyone?

:)))

Original poster
CailinDana · 26/05/2012 20:47

My day was good too Belle. Between us DH and I got our jungle of a garden mowed while DS played in the paddling pool. In the afternoon we went to the birthday party of one of the boys in toddler group. DS really really enjoyed himself.

Strangely enough I found myself getting quite teary at the birthday party. It's the first bday party I've brought DS to and I felt like a real mummy all of a sudden. It was just so lovely to see DS running around playing with the other children, dancing etc. I felt very happy :)

I totally get what you mean about enjoying the little things. At the moment the french doors are open, it's still bright and quite warm, DS is fast asleep in bed, DH is banging around getting the hedge trimmer ready (he's gone totally mad on the gardening lately) and I can't believe this is actually my lovely life Grin

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 26/05/2012 20:48

Not great here still spiralling downwards had a tension headache [DH thinks it is tension caused by stress] and felt sick since yesterday didn't help that I cracked my head on Thursday on an open window DD1 popped up with the BF he did a wee job for me house is a mess not done much for days was mean't to be going the circus with her but 1, I wasn't well and 2, thought I wouldn't cope with the crowds so BF went with her despite him being scared of clowns.

dottyspotty2 · 26/05/2012 20:49

Sorry for putting a dampner on things x

Original poster
CailinDana · 26/05/2012 20:51

I'm so sorry to hear things haven't been good dotty. What's going through your mind?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 26/05/2012 20:55

Everything Cailin just spinning around again I'll get through it I've done it many times.

My sisters have gone through hell as well all because I couldn't keep quiet anymore they think I've done right and are behind me but its me who feels guilty about it.

Dirona · 26/05/2012 21:34

Ami, sorry I missed your post. That's sad but true and why abuse continues.

Belle, Cailin, that mum feeling/feeling of belonging is so beautiful. The little things mean so much.

Dotty, you are NOT responsible for what's happening, at all. Please don't let him make you think that. Hope your headache gets better soon.

I've had a chilled out day, spent time with some special peeps and feel quite at peace. I've got goals to aim for, peeps to love and starting to realise I'm a pretty sorted person.

Belleflowers · 26/05/2012 23:06

Stay strong Dotty

I've just been reading through Part 2 of your thread, and I am overwhelmed to notice that so many of us have similarities in various things, I'll try and remember a few:

  • my sister and I throwing away the sandwiches my father made for our lunchbox (mum never made a lunch, or was out of bed to get us breakfast, always dad, she necer checked if we had teeth brushed, hair combed, faces washed. Lots of times I think he forgot...I remember him walking us to school nearby one day and I had no underwear on, he had forgotten.) Bizarre memories coming back to me this month what is going on...
  • we all seem to apologies LOTS in our comments and I'm sure in real life. I have a nasty habit of apologising to parked cars ffs
  • many of our mothers were teachers...say no more
  • many of our mothers were concerned with outward appearances, more than their kids
  • we tend not to want to develop deep friendships, I know I begin to feel smothered once a new lovely friend wants to keep meeting me for lunch or coffees, I much prefer my own company and go out of my way to avoid social gatherings - awful
  • i too overanalyse everything, after a social gathering and the self criticism starts, until I have to try one of the distraction techniques, like distracting my senses so they focus on something else - music, put face cream on, walk outside, drink something, fiddle with sthing

surely we cant just have so much in common by coincidence? It is really fascinating, in a bizarre sad way or something, not explaining myself well here