Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

sorry, explaining the sandwixhes thing - a few of you back in April posted about dumping the sandwiches parents had made for you - possibly as an act of defiance, that they couldnt control this particular mealtime

awful memories here of dinners slopped on the plate, of liver casserole each and every single Thursday (she knew we'd hate it and be grumpy, so did this give her an excuse to fight with us age 9??) I quickly learned to try and go to a friends house on Thursdays...while my sister used to go to the toilet and spit mouthfuls down the loo...until mum caught on to what she was doing and hit her for it

getting sad now

tuesday with my therapist cant come quickly enough

i think i'm best to write down lots for my therapist - I have real difficulty epxressing myself through speech - very uncomfortable with people looking at me when I'm talking..why is this???Ridiculous!!! Fear of being criticised I think...of not being understood by what I'm saying through speech?

Yikes it is all coming out this month, it really is

But here's to another good day of sunshine tomorrow at the beach with calm calming DH and funny little offspring - so grateful for their company, it soothes my soul

I was fascinated by the sandwiches thing too Belle. I had a sort of weird jolt when I read others talking about it because it's something that I found really shameful at the time, and knowing that others did it felt quite weird.

I'm also wondering do others have tics or habits? I have a habit of pushing my thumbnail into the skin under the nail of my index finger. It causes pain. I do it a lot, but more so if I'm stressed. It's something I'm very embarrassed about and I never talk about it, not even to DH so it's a big thing that I'm mentioning it here.

I still remember when my 'stash' of sandwiches was found by my brother whilst I was in hospital aged 12 the feelings of guilt piled upon myself because of it at the time I never realised why I did it in fact wasn't until halfway through my therapy that I realised all my issues with food throughout my life was all down to control. Never ever got dangerously low in weight intentionaly was told that was normal that it never was like that for anyone in this situation, I also went to the other extreme although I never got more than 16 stone I'm now a healthy weight but feel I need to lose about another stone and a half I often wonder how many women who yoyo diet have underlying childhood issues going on as a root cause.

I have bad habits Cailin I hair pull and pull at my skin until it hurts especially when under great stress no-one knows about it never mentioned it to anybody before.

Belle, oh boy do I apologise even when I haven't done anything.

Cailin, I do that but the opposite way round, under my thumb nail, I find it strangely comforting.

Dotty, when I had my breakdown I pulled my hair, I'd get strands and keep straightening it, ended up shaving my head to stop it.

I had school dinners so didn't do the sandwich thing, but remember being forced to eat liver and she'd serve it up every meal time til it was eaten and being made to drink salt water and slimfast to be thinner.

Mine was a nurse then psychologist, so she really knows how to mess with your head.

Weird habits I have, when I'm stressed I have to count an even number of colours.

I have to walk slightly behind other people. I can't look at people when I talk, that's caused serious problems with people thinking I'm rude. I hate having my picture taken, whenever I'm near a camera it brings me out in a cold sweat/nausea/shakes so I'm always behind one.

Terrified of enclosed spaces, cars/lifts/planes.

My mother wasn't a professional neither was my father was made to eat anything that was put down in front still don't eat liver but have taught myself to make macaroni and lentil soup differently to them remember one occasion must of been under 7 cause of the house we where in being left at the table to eat the most grissly lamb possible and I had spent the weekend in bed through bad behaviour [their definition] I now wonder if this gave IT more opportunity when he was home at weekends only actually remembered this just now.

Don't like lifts never have and I have to now have doors shut if not locked since my disclosure never bothered me before in fact I was happy go lucky bar my disgusting temper/mood swings.

Thinking back I really don't understand it as she goes on and on about what a happy childhood she had and I know what caring people her brothers and sister are/where, makes me think it was my father who brainwashed her as apparently she changed as soon as she met him.

What was your dad like Dotty?

He was ex RAF a bitter man who was disabled out of the services and to him his life was over. He kept us in line by fear and didn't want his daughters to grow up we had no privacy around him he would walk into our room without knocking thats why I think he knew what was happening as he almost caught him twice.

Remember my mum had a part time cleaning job at a private house when DD1 was a tot he fell out with them so my mum had no way of getting there, if she had money in her purse he would demand to know where it came from, she never got her pension until he was dead as he would of lost part of his and wouldn't allow her to have it. When he died he left her with a credit card debt of almost £10,000 was in her name as he couldn't get one but she never knew what its balance was he was the only one to use it extra card on her account.

:( Can you find any happy moments from your childhood?

mine are

1. getting my cats/dog/guinea pigs
2. going to see the peat bog man in London, my mother took me and she actually enjoyed it and going to it with me.

She always took my older sister abroad with her but neither of the younger two.

Yes but only around other people remember going to the circus with the kids home next door this only came back a few months ago apparently I was always with my sister she practically brought me up, when she met her DH at 15 she always looked much older I was 7 but was tiny he thought I was hers and that I was about 3 somehow makes the abuse much much worse to me.
Have fond memories of staying at my cousins and his wifes house as a child as well.

We always used to go on church outings but I was always being told off for something.

I spent most of my childhood escaping into wildlife, it's always been my comfort. I've never really fitted in anywhere, I think thats because I was never allowed social comforting so had to comfort myself and never learnt how to depend/need others.

I know I'm struggling with my temperament at the moment, it's like I'm finally learning the social skills I never had.

that is key point for ke me too Dirona 'finally learning the social skills I never had'

was always told to be 'more sociable' growing up, even though looking back I was a quiet, arty teenager who just needed lots and lots of quiet time...was hard to find at home so in a way to you again Dirona in that I also found spending lots of time in the garden, with wildlife, or with friends at the beach or at one particular friends house which was really laid back and in my mothers eyes 'messy' as her mum just sat with her girls lots, took them out to parks, read with them, rather than cleaning obsessively. One of those girls is now a qualified lawyer, the other an accountant. Interesting I think in a way.

Good memories up until age of 9/10/11, when my little brother was a toddler, I think that's when it all went t**s up, he never ate anything at mealtimes...probably too stressed...and she would fight with him to make him swallow food. Ended up giving him a raw egg mixed with milk for every mealtime, apparently our GP told her to do that (although I have my doubts) She says now he didnt eat much as it was something to do with his oesophagus ???? and even now as a young man, his diet is screwed up and he eats anything but healthy food. I guess it comforts him to eat whatever the blooming heck he chooses!!

Since having my own kids and nurturing them to eat well, I dont want to sound smug, but I invested lots of patience and time at mealtimes getting them used to their veggies and decent foods (which dont cost much) in a relaxed way, so hopefully fingers crossed there wont be as many hang ups in their future culinary lives

who knows

but yes, good memories of early age fishing for crabs at the beach with my cousins, and some good memories of lunches with my granny etc who lived nearby. Trying hard to think of more positives today!

:o I did the same with mine with his food, though I went for asian food he did have some friends at 8 who looked baffled at sushi and chopsticks and went home for a proper meal though

I got him to cook aswell and he's much better than me. I wasn't allowed to cook as a kid

Good childhood memories helps with inner child therapy/flashbacks as you can go to a safe memory, something I've struggled with so I make it up

I loved your crab story, reminded me of anenome hunting and seeing my first heron.

My girls ate anything and everything DD1's favourite as a toddler was curry she went through a few months of only eating sausages and spagetti both girls went though the veggie stage DD1 for 2 years DD2 think will be permanent she's been veggie since 12 school cook who is our neighbour told us she never met a child who ate such a variety of veg she is like a surragate granny to my kids. DS on the other hand was a nightmare he had reflux so bypassed alot of food stages dont shoot me down but his first solid was burger and chips at 9 months old his food issues where awful but probable down to his Autism. But now at nearly 18 can't stop the bugger eating. Both girls are fabulous cooks both BF's have commented on it. At home our food was stodge cooked to within an inch of its life no nutritious value at all my parents used to complain the veg wasnt cooked when they came for dinner. After he died my mother actually learnt to cook different meals through coming to my home and staying at my sisters the only pasta she had had in her life was macaroni, she now eats all sorts of meals. Still miss her despite what she's done am I mad?

Of course you miss her dotty, she's your mother. I miss my mother sometimes too, although not as much as I would have expected to.

I used to miss mine too.

I just pangs of wanting her to love me now and again which hurt but she's never going to so I'm trying not to lose sleep over it.

Have had a lovely day out, been a bit cooler but still lovely.

I just realised today it's exactly 7 months since I saw her so 7 months 2 days since my statement and almost 6 months since I spoke to her and that was only because she wanted me to go get her glasses that she'd left in a shop but she couldn't come to get them she sent my brother instead. Wouldn't be as bad if I had friends and family here but only have DH and I friend.

On a good note my headache finally went today 3 bloody days, and I got my shelves up in my shed and garden tidied up looks alot better now wont look brilliant until the deckings done though. x

:o couple o pots of herbs and veg and I'm happy

It sounds lovely Dotty, I'd love my own garden. It's been around 8/9 months since I last heard from mine. I think half my reasons for lack of self belief is because I feel worthless for not having caring parents. I know it's wrong but I sometimes wish he'd actually killed me. I wouldn't have this weight then. God thats depressing

rawr

Hope everyone enjoyed some sunshine today, it makes a lovely change

Can I change the subject slightly and ask, in preparation for my first ever therapy session on tuesday, which I'm already panicking about:

did anyone else feel like backing out of it as it all seems a bit self indulgent of me to be going to someone to just talk about me me me?

am feeling that I am starting to minimise my 'issues' and question if there is any 'need' for me to see the therapist in the first place

but then I think if I dont go, then I'll not know

Me too think I'd rather be dead at times especially the last few months only had 6 weeks or so of being happy should be happy but twice today I've burst into tears over something stupid DH said then he wants to hug me but it makes it worse he now doesn't believe me if I say I'm fine. We've been in this house 20 years come September garden belonged to the kids and animals for a long time started doing it when we lost the rabbits DH has been to nice this year if I want it I've got it really don't deserve him He'd wanted decking for years and I didn't because he only wanted the patio doing not the path I said this and he said ok new fence that I've wanted for ages the lot his 'lovely' mother left him money when she went downstairs to meet her end last year so it's going on the garden.

I find that the hardest bit, not having a family. Nobody needs to know about what happened to me during my childhood, but they do know and do ask why I don't see my mother/father/sister.
I think thats why i've let them back in a few times, so I felt more normal and could talk about my mother seeing my children etc. I feel very different to the rest of society because of the way my parents treated me in general, not so much the sexual abuse. Although that is probably because i've worked though the abuse so much. I haven't really had chance to delve into the rest of it. It's the little things (relatively) that hurt the most now.
I saw a set of saucepans yesterday that were the same as the ones we had growing up. I remembered being 4 and being sent to my room for the entire day because the handle fell off the saucepan I was holding. It was my fault apparently, but it just fell off in my hand. There were things like that every day and it was so confusing. If WW3 ever broke out they would blame me.
Anyway sorry for waffling on. I probably need to head over to a different thread again as this isn't about the abuse.
I've felt the same about being killed though, quite a few times. I spent many years feeling that it was a huge mistake for me to still be here and that was why my life kept going wrong, because I had cheated fate or something. It sounded crazy to everyone else, but makes total sense to me having been privvy to my entire life.
As regards to a mother, I miss having one, but i've felt like that most of my life. There has and will always be a gaping great hole where a mothers love should be and I feel as though I will always feel a little knife twisting whenever anyone else talks about their mum.

Belle I did was to ashamed to wait was opposite police station and I know many of the officers there and backroom staff. Thought I had time mixed up as no-one answered the bell on the door got a text through asking me to rearrange luckily I did and I met the 'girl' when going in to one of my sessions don't know if I would of done so well with someone as young as her.

It is difficult and weird talking to a therapist Belle. It takes time to get into it, but a good therapist should make you feel at ease and should give the impression of being interested in what you have to say.

Everyone can benefit from seeing a therapist IMO, no matter what their problems are. Paying someone to listen to you is indulgent but it's the right sort of indulgence, it's the kind that's good for the soul rather than bad for the waistline. By seeing the therapist you're doing something really kind for yourself, something that will have lasting benefit. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold IMO.

What are your worries about it?

Belle, it is really common to feel that way, the process of therapy is difficult and hard and I found the first 3months absolute hell and I felt awful the day before and after the sessions. 8 months later I can't wait to go and psych has to haul me out the door.

Don't be scared off, it will be very beneficial for you and your family.

Do you have any grounding techniques for when you start to feel unsure?