Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

:o only slightly paranoid that you acshually mean it

bang, I shot you down

Finally filled in questionairre for Rape Crisis Centre was really hard they ask you to be honest but brings back the feelings I had when going through the counselling/support. Told them I'd recommend their services to anyone going through the same sort of trauma.

DD2's got her final session at CAMHS this afternoon she wants me to go with her she's such a different young lady than she was 6 months ago I'm proud to call her my daughter and of how far she's come despite having a poor excuse for a mother.

Also have the charge sheet to send back to DC the witness service made a clerical error on it and she wanted it back when I told her.

It's good they've been able to help and you've been able to help her.

I'm ordering you to stop saying you're a bad mum, right [stern look]

That's annoying about the statement. Rape crisis are good though.

I'm surrounded by heat wusses, 2 people fainted, 3 including me have almost fainted. It is too hot, praying for thunder. I would go and sit in the paddling pool but I'm too tired and don't want to simultaneously drown and roast.

Hi all, I'm copying my post as had to get it out of my system, but posted it earlier in a wrong thread, not sure where it fits to be honest:

I am new here,

Basically getting flashbacks of a time when my sister was the target, never me...but i still witnessed emptional abuse, never sexual though...not sure if this is the right place to post?

starting therapy next week and started a mild antiD for PND last week

I'm 33

basically Since I had DD 3 yrs ago, and older DS was going through his toddler tantrums, I couldnt work out why I was sooooo uncomfortble with the noise of crying. Flashbacks of my mother regularly hitting my sister with the long bamboo stick she kept behind the sofa in our tv room - as i said it a previous post somewhere else, that it was yes supposed to be a place of comfort and safety but wasnt

middle class parents, both teachers, beuatiful house near a beach

you would think they could have released their anger and stress from their work by taking a long walk on that beach rather than coming home and picking a fight that lasted all evening several times a week, over nothing with my apparently 'cheeky' older sister (3yrs older than me)

anyhow, thanks for letting me get this out

most confusing for me is that up until my sister and I hit puberty, I have golden memories...but after I started grammar school, until my sister went to uni, it was just noisy, unsettled, agressive and stressful living

plus despite my being there when they were in a rage, I was never enough to protect my sister and make it stop

it's hard having DCs and having these flashbacks. What on earth did my parents think they would achieve?

Thanks for listening and reading so far

also copying my earlier post on another thread in the hope that it is read today, apologies If I repeat parts of the above post in it, thanks for reading:

Tulips, I had to write to let you know you have helped me immensely in wirting your post - my situation was a little different, that although I personally was usually never ( I have no memory of anyhow) being the target of both parents' rages and moodswings, my dear elder sister was...

So, I am beginning therapy next week and am on a mild antiD

Since having my 2 DC's, I couldnt work out how before toddler tantrums and screaming noisy babies doing the natural thing they do, was swinging me off course and giving me immense sadness. I have nurtured my kids since birth and put my career and ambitions on hold while my wonderful DH provides for us all. Part of this is that I can't bear to think of abandoning my DC's in the way that I felt virtually ignored and excluded when I could see my sister getting hit and shouted at at home by either parent for 'being cheeky' or some other ridiculous reason...my mother chose to keep a long bamboo stick behind the sofa in our tv snug room - supposedly a place of safety and chillout

my sister has since done exceptionally well in her life, is at the very top of her career, single and the most glamourous and beautiful independent person I could have imy life. She is helping me terribly with the flood of memories which have suddenly come back to me since the birth of my own daughter 3 yrs ago

Basically the issue for me is that I couldnt even protect my sister, even the fact that I was in the room, seeing it all happen, was never enough to stop them

it happened once my mothers daughters hit puberty - so once we were both at grammar school...so I can hugely identify with your confusion, that up until a certain point, there are golden memories, then suddenly, there is a huge chapter of arguments, screaming and basically violence against my sister until she went to university

i feel sick, numb and so angry

hoping therapy helps. prayer is helping lots too for me. giving me healing etc

(it was also a religious parenting style, adding further to our confusion about their behaviour...they told my sister often she had the 'devil in her tongue'

so sad

sorry to waffle on, but just wanted to thank you for sharing this, as it has really helped me to see my own situation more clearly that yes my parents WERE WRONG

and yes, now - the money thing - they have given my sister and i huge sums of money in the past and recently to help us out...I have guilts about taking it, but i needed it to clear a debt which has helped, but We are paying my mother back

but yes, it is bizarre and very hard work to have this whole memory chapter in our heads as mothers right now ourselves

Hi Belle, thanks for posting. I saw your posts on the other threads. How are you doing? It sounds like you're processing a huge amount at the moment.

Hi Belle, so sorry to hear what you're going through. The flashbacks are horrible but a way for your brain to process those horrendous memories.

Quite often having children triggers all the negatives we experienced and tucked away. It's good to get them out and not repeat the patterns. I'm wondering if your mother was jealous in some way? Mine sure was.

Apart from therapy and prayer what are you doing. I found parenting books helpful, just for keeping on the right path.

You can get through this.

Thanks Cailin & Dirona

I know, I was ranting on the kept women thread today, getting myself in a spin, as my mother worked for status and really piled on the pressure on us to achieve achieve achieve..and then get a good job and never rely on a man or have kids

I have done the opposite of what she had hoped - got my degree (a 2:2, on results day she said 'but are you happy with that result?') then married my childhood sweetheart, who she tried to split from me while dating, checking my neck for lovebites (I was so naive then I didnt even know what they were!) asking me rudely was I pregnant, all sorts of nasty comments.

I went to uni for 4 yrs and hated every minute - now realising that I felt thrown out of home as she made her relief known that we had all flown the nest, yet made it out also that she was suffering from empty nest syndrome

it goes on and on

i just know that yes childbirth, raising kids has triggered lots of stuff for me, i never expected it to at all

hoping therapy and getting it out and away will clear it down the gutter for the rest of my life so i can begin to live and feel like a 'normal' person...i angst over the smallest decision, supermarkets and busy places freak me out

thankfully the medication is working wonders for that anxiety!

thanks for listening, it means a lot

Thats ok, we've all been there/are there.

Getting it out is good.

What kind of relationship do you have with your mother now?

So sorry belle can relate to the stick behind the chair my father kept a bamboo cane as a threat confronted my mother last year her answwer well he never used it no he didn't need to we lived with so much fear of him but he was an upstanding member of community was even friends with family dr so couldn't talk to him he actually told him things about my sister after she left home.

Anxiety is awful but flashbacks are more than just anxiety you went through hell growing up you couldn't of stopped it you do know that don't you. Xx

relationship with her now is bizarre - i see her about once a month, as I feel somehow it is great to see my kids interact with their grandmother - but I have never felt I could leave my kids with her...it's just a trust issue there...

she is unpredictable and very manipulative - will try and stir up stories about my siblings to me and to them, to try and split the sibling bond

my younger brother has this year come out as gay to his sisters and his friends but not my parents - this year could be interesting...she must know but is completely avoiding it and stirring by saying oh if he could just settle down and find himself a nice girl...when she really wants some of us to say look, he's gay...but we wont betray our brother to her

so while i see my parents now, and things are never 'violent', i am haunted when i hear them raise their voice even in humour, or when someone drops a cup in the kitchen by accident, i jump.

i would never call her for a chat, as she is awfully controlling with her words, when she stays in my home for a weekend visit (i cant have them longer than 2 nights) she cleans it all weekend, rearranges items from one cupboard to another

i have been trying to put my finger on her behaviour, researching online. Narcissistic mother syndrome sums it up I feel - everything was and is about appearances

i'm so angry with her, but know that it is pointless raising how i feel now about what happened then, as she will either brush it off and say we were cheeky teenagers (deserved it) or she will fight hard

my only peace in all this is that I chose to marry the most laid back, gentle, intelligent, successful man - my childhood sweetheart who she tried to split from me - and we have travelled all over the world together and are raising 2 lovely kids in a very chilled non-angry home. - I REFUSE to behave like her in my own domestic setting and i will protect the emotional wellbeing of my kids to my utmost ability

sorry - long post

THANK YOU for giving me this space to offload about this

It's good that you recognise a different way to parent and want the best for you, your dh and your dc. It sounds like you've made a wonderful life for yourselves and you should be proud of that.

The therapy should help with the flashbacks, they're just memories of events you haven't dealt with. You are safe now, you are an adult.

Grounding techniques are good to learn, as well as talking about the incidents being recalled.

As for your mother, she's screwed up, simple, there's not much you can do...

except walk away or keep her at arms length.

I hope your brother is ok if he comes out to them but it sounds like he'll have some good sisters to stick up for him, your mother might just be hugely ignorant.

Try not to feel guilty about not being able to protect your sisters, odds are you couldn't have done much anyway :( you probably would have taken her place.

I hope your sister is ok and finds help and support too, if she needs it. You sound like a lovely, protective, caring younger sister :)

Belle - is maintaining a relationship with your mother worth the stress it causes you?

Thanks Dirona, yes hoping the therapy helps with the flashbacks, they are really upsetting me, I could be driving the car or walking on the beach and here they come.

It is reassuring to realise yes I am an adult, she cant get into my home on a daily basis, nor can she come to my sister's home as she lives in a different city and herself has had hypnotherapy to deal with it.

She now says she feels nothing towards my mother, but can 'get on' with her but only on a very superficial level of small talk - never shares any personal info etc - and in act regards my mother as child, so talks to her like a child. Interesting way to handle it, as we both think why should we give my mother more aggression (what she loves) rather keep her out of the loop will do more to help us, but maybe make her see she really has no connection for us

she found out I am taking antiD and that GP has recommended therapy for me (she asked what my GP said when I went to him because of migraines Id had for over 3 weeks) amd I just told her it was more than the migraines and I have to see a psychologist... she didnt say a word, but was kind of shocked and changed the subject rapidly to talk about birds in the garden?!!? Eh?

strange lady

I have to remind myself she is not my responsibility either, as is always trying to involve me in the trivial issues of her day to day with her husband or her friends etc. I couldnt care less, but still feel i am supposed to offer her my support

I think I'll find a way to learn to block her behaviour then and now. I will find a way!

Belle I gradually distanced myself from my mother stopped doing as much for her and as soon as I told her I was dealing with issues caused by her precious son she stopped contacting me she used to get the bus through about twice a month and I'd take her home I decorated her house done her garden and used to take her shopping and on holiday even took her to family get togethers and funerals this was all in the last 6 years after my charming father died we all thought she would change after he died and become the 'mum' we wanted and craved but no we gave her a chance and I made the decision she used to say your heading for a breakdown to me when I was really stressed she didn't realise why. I actually came within days of one in November but couldn't see it until DH made the appointment for me to see GP I was so ill I wasn't coping with day to day life. Since she no longer contacts me I am happier in myself but it fucking hurts that she's taken this attitude towards her daughters but not her son.

I've had to distance myself from my parents too. I speak to them now and again (they never ring me though) and I see them maybe three times a year at most. My father isn't really bothered. My mother would like to see DS more (not bothered about me though) but she wouldn't dare to ask. She knows she's hit my limit and is just toeing the line for the sake of maintaining a relationship with DS. She is being super nice and careful for fear I'll stop talking to her altogether. She's right to be worried.

Good for you Cailin.

Belle, your mother reacted the way mine did. I went further and told her exactly why I was in therapy, she turned round and said "well I'm off to see your sister but she doesn't want anything to do with you", my sister has her own issues. Therapy has really helped me to handle my mother and I agree to not giving her any emotion to feed off. It's very satisfying to be able to do that.

Dotty, you gave her a chance and she ruined it, more fool her.

So hard to distance, how did you manage it?

I'm starting with small steps, as she is currently ringing my mobile over 7 times each day or every other day, or then ringing my home phone and letting it ring up to 50 times before hanging up (I've counted)

So small steps for me is not picking up that phone, but later in day sending her a vague text back when she texts me...I say we're all well, weather great! Kids happy! or something equally mundane

BUT then I get MASSIVE guilts about not answering the phone

I now understand I'm trying to self-protect - some days I just cant manage to hear her voice.

Like you said in an earlier post Callin, I find I have to take my days really slowly and simply otheriwse I get so easily overwhelmed. Is it another symptom of growing up do you think? Dont seem to be able to multi task or plan too much in advance. I've been invited out for drinks in a couple of weeks with some new mum friends from DD new playgroup and I am panicking dreading it already

blimey

Belle TBH I would love to hear her voice foolish I know I've cried so much over the last few months so unlike me couselling did this helped me get in touch with my emotions doesn't feel like it at the time but its a good thing I can cope with talking to her on the phone but not face to face last time was after my birthday in November I was trembling thanked her for my card and money first time since he dies she hasn't come through on my birthday because she was away to Aviemore with IT and his wife.

I distanced myself by moving country :) I'm lucky that my mother is atrocious for keeping contact so I don't have to put up with constant calls and texts. She texts me maybe once every two weeks, I text back something mundane and that's it. I'll have to call her soon to arrange a visit to Ireland and I'm dreading it. This is the first time I've actually dreaded talking to her and I think that's because I have examined our relationship so much these last few months that my anger feels fresh and I find it hard to hide it. I don't want to talk to her about it but I still get the urge to blurt things out and I worry that one day I will just do it. If I do, that will be the end of our relationship, completely and I don't want that to happen just yet because my younger sister is still at home and the last thing I want is to make life harder for her. Once she has left home for good I can see my contact with my parents dwindling and dwindling until I hardly see or talk to them at all.

To answer your other question Belle, I think the need to take things slowly is a symptom of my upbringing, yes. I question myself so much and stress over things so much that I just can't breeze through the day I have to think things through a lot and that is exhausting. I hope over time that'll get better though.

It was small steps for me too, the main one being, standing up for myself when she ridiculed me infront of people, then I said I'd store some of her belongings she lives abroad but she put all her stuff out around my home, including photo albums full of my abuser. I sat down one night to go through them, expecting childhood photo's but half were of him. I lost it and skyped her to get my sister to take them or I'd burn them. She begged me to keep them I've taken the ones of me and ds, the rest are

Me again! I was just thinking Belle, could you put your phone on silent and unplug your home phone? I don't use the home phone at all due to cold callers and I find I don't really need it as long as people know they can contact me on my mobile. That way you could just ignore your mobile, perhaps check it every half hour or so, and it would be less of an intrusion on your life?

Why do you think you feel guilty about not answering the phone? IMO you should make a deal with yourself that you will answer the phone once a week at a certain time and then no other time besides that. Over time your mother should get to learn that calling at other times just won't work. Or, ideally, you could tell her to stop calling altogether and you'll call her, and then just give a quick call once a week.