Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

She does her best its her face neck and arms that's the worst she has big sunglasses. She'll need them tomorrow cause they'll be outside at her placement with the children going to make her an appointment with gp to chase dermatologist up dr who dx at a&e last year said they can prescribe specialist suncreams as he suggested factor 50 at all times if there was a little sun but its no good spent a small fortune on stuff over the last 4 years since it started happening was only dx last summer. Poor kid went to college in a long sleeved cotton jumper today was 24 degrees.

And she has always loved hats even as a tiny baby.

Hi everyone. I'm afraid I only seem to come here when I'm having a crisis. Sorry, but I'm hoping it will help to just write. No need to reply.
I've had a little to drink tonight and feel like I'm balancing on a fine line between okay and self-destruction. I'm desperate to be heardand looked after by someone and have to stop myself putting attention-seeking status updates on facebook. I spoke to my mum today and told her I don't want her to see me or dd again. She doesn't believe me, even though she hated him for her own reasons. I told her I believe that she didn't want him touching her so turned a blind eye to him touching me but was too ashamed to admit it, then I hung up. Now I want to drink, sleep only during the day and give up all that I have worked for since dd was born. I don't know what the next step is. I want to do so many positive things for myself and my family but have been held back for so long and continue to be held back. It's a fight I don't know how to win.

Hi tombli, so sorry I missed this,

I know that knife edge, it's horrendous. You can post here whenever you want or need too, about anything, if you need attention please ask, even if it's for a

You can have everything you have worked for, I'm the queen of self sabotage and hope to stop doing that one day.

Are you getting any councelling or professional support atm?

Dotty, linen is better than cotton as it doesn't hold the heat, people in hot countries wear long sleeve linen am tired iyswim

I finish group therapy at the end of the month, then I'll be discharged from the system I guess. I don't believe myself. Don't trust myself enough because these images are so vague.At the moment I'm torn between going to bed and going to the fridge for more wine. It sounds twisted but I've been reading other peoples' horrible stories just to provoke a response from within my empty shell.

Just skimming previous posts.

I think I would have had so much potential when I was dd's age but that was beaten out of me. Nothing about me was ever encouraged and nurtured, except the obvious. I've always been good at that. I sometimes think it's the only way I could make a living. I have wanted to do so much with my life. Achieve something but don't feel that I ever will. I always end up ruining it.

I feel the same, except selling my body have contemplated nunnery though

Do you have anything you'd like to achieve?

On a side note, is anyone terrified of authority? I feel like the bottom of society any everyone above me is going to react violently to me and it scares the bejezus out of me and affects social situations.

I can't ask for help because I think people will hurt me, I hate living in fear.

There are lots of things I would like to do with my life but, overall, I want to feel good at something. It doesn't really matter what it is, just something that I feel competent or even successful at. I've spent all of my life doing things to please others.

I'm terrified of everything Dirona. I will keep my opinions to myself in order to placate people and not make waves. I'm terrified of something awful happening but that something is unknown. A lot of the time I feel so small that I feel I need looking after and am practically unable to look after myself. DH has had to help me have a bath before now. At the same time, I'm convinced he's going to leave me despite him saying how much he loves me. What's to love? Sorry, I'm talking nonsense now. Going to bed.

Talking a lot of sense Tombli :( hope you sleep ok.

I was thinking it's like the hand of god, my stepfather was like god, and when gods angry he smites down the hand of god, which my stepfather did. I was speaking to pysch about it, how I'll accept blame even when I did nothing wrong. I fell down stairs as a kid, breaking 2 cups I was carrying and my stepfather flipped, I had to apologise for breaking the cups even though I'd hurt myself.

I sometimes think things I do end up stupid because of my fear?

Everything you say makes sense to me Tombliboo. I have felt the same at various points in my life. For the moment I'm just focusing on being a good mum to my DS, day by day. If he grows up to be a happy secure person then at least I'll feel I achieved something.

How are you doing today?

Tombilboo I feel I've done so little with my life but DD1 is an auxillery nurse at the age of 20 I'm proud of her she's doing well and is so mature always has been despite me for a mother. My boy is becoming semi-independent at 17 he's Autistic and a year ago did nothing for himself. DD2 16 is nearly finished college she never got back in due to jobs and courses being cut she'll make it as she is bloody minded.

I hate people telling me good things about myself mybe it's the abuse maybe it's my 'lovely' upbringing your formative years make a huge difference to what you will become they say but my kids are doing fine so I must of done something right I know I was always here for them and still am if they need me did things with them loved and cherished them even when we had nothing we had happy times I made sure of it despite me feeling horrible inside. Yes I was an angry nasty person who lost my temper and I shouldn't of taken my problems out on my wonderful children but it wasn't intentional and I feel they did suffer because of it I know that sounds contradictary but its true.

If my kids have done well then I've achieved something once this is 'over' I'll work on me getting something out of life I have half my life left he had the other half he ain't taking the rest, I'll do something even if I start off small.

oh boy do I remember 6o'clock mornings, would do it all again though.

I have my garden back :o it's shared because it's flats but dv neighbour has gone. Just enough time to get some flowers in :o

Another selfish post from me sorry. Struggling to carry on today and not really sure what to do. I can't tell anyone because nobody actually helps. I'm still doing everything as usual and nobody would know how i'm feeling but I just can't see things ever getting any better.
I was very positive the other day but after my counsellor let me down i'm back where I started again. I wish I didn't let things affect me like this but it always seems to happen.
I'm seriously starting to wonder if someone has put a curse on me. I never believed in things like that before but everyone is turning their back on me and when I phone places their reactions to me are very strange and not at all fitting with what i've said to them.
I know this will pass soon but at the moment all I can think about is not being here anymore.

Depression can cause you to see things in a worse way than they are, I'm not saying things aren't bad but when I was like that I had difficulty expressing my needs and I think being articulate and intelligent puts you on the same wavelength as other articulate and intelligent people and they just can't understand things. I usually end up chin wagging in those situations and it doesn't really help.

What do you need help with and how can someone help you?

Talking is good, even just to chin wag?

Definately agree with that my depression is so up and down normally I'm ok in good weather but to much happening just now. Makes you feel crap inside and trying to put a face on is hard so I just tend to stay indoors if I can help it but made the effort today had eye test and went for a run out afterwards cause I got stressed out helped a lot went to one of my favourite places.

Thanks, I don't feel depressed to be honest, I just feel as though i'm constantly bashing my head against a brick wall and getting nowhere. I'm expressing myself very clearly but people change their tune. For example, housing told me they advised not to stay where I am because I will be overhousing myself etc etc. I phoned them yesterday and suddenly the same lady can't advise me what to do, it has to be my decision and they can't let me if I will ever get anywhere on the council list. This sort of thing is happening with everyone I speak to in the last week. It's hard to explain but for once I know its not me reading too much into things.
My sister said she had put a curse on me but I thought it was a load of rubbish, i'm not so sure now though.
I think I would be able to relax more if I had any idea where our future was. I've got no idea where we are going to live or where my son will go to school, how or if we can survive on the pittance we now have to live on. I'm quite scared so I guess that is tapping into the child part of me again.

It sounds like you have a massive amount of stress going on Amitola. I really wish I could sit with you for an hour or two and have a proper chat over a glass of wine.

Thanks Cailin :) Mmm wine, just the thought cheered me up!
I'm trying very hard to just relax and allow life things to just happen, but then I worry that sitting back doing bugger all might mean we ened up in a hostel or something.
I really struggle not having control over things, I guess thats from the abuse.

On a positive note, I did some letting go today with those blowing bubbles. It was fun and I think it has worked a little. I tried to let go of some of my negative feelings about the past and the injustice of it all and its not so raw at the moment.

Hope everyone is ok

I'm pretty good tonight. An old friend rang me out of the blue today and we had a long chat. I was really delighted to hear from him, it made my day :)

:o I've been out meeting my neighbours, one even skived work because we're all free of dv neighbour, he's damaged something of everyone's. We've weeded, planted, got rid of ants and let the fit neighbours cats out! Bbq season.

I'm not giving any advice as I'm crap :o Council are crap anyway, I was there a few years ago, sorts it self out, useless but I'm crap :o

Rrrraaaaaawwwwwrrrr got a fit neighbour to drool over

Had a really chilled out evening listening to AHA on my netbook and drinking copious amounts of coffee best I've felt in weeks. Crosses fingers for it to last.

I've just flooded fit neighbour but wowed everyone with my electrical skills and qualifications the lights went, I fixed it

Glad you had a good chat Cailin/ good evening Dotty

I made a concious decision after my breakdown to rid myself of 99% of the people I knew, most people just put me down for being thick/poor/a slapper etc. So, I'm slowly and sensibly making positive friendships.

1 ago we were homeless with just the clothes on our back, now I have the begginnings of something better

1 year ago, d'oh.

Can someone please shoot me for excessive amounts of [smiley's]

Bang