Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Not sure if I should get involved here, but reading and trying not to read at same time.

Quick question: anyone feel a need to really 'get back' at the abuser, without having to go through stress of court etc?

Hi Pillow, yes, in a word, I am healing, moving forwards and not allowing my life to be dictated by people who want to abuse. My abuser is deceased so couldn't do the court thing anyway.

Do you want to talk about stuff?

Pillow, my abuser had a heart attack about a year after I went to the police. I didn't get anywhere with the police but he did end up seriously ill in hospital and still has to watch his health. I'm happy to take that as a little bit of pay back. He deserves far worse but its a start.

Probably everybody.

The problem is the the relatively short term gain of having them beaten up/murdered/propping up the Watford bypass is that actually there is no real satisfaction and no finality. It's rather a bugger and as usual they get you coming and going.

However getting strong in yourself and realising that through you they could be undone so to speak can be very satisfying. Showing they have no power over you and, in fact, all the aces are up your sleeve. I allow mine his misery. I know I would deal with it if needs must but right now, where I am, I feel too much is to be lost than gained. But I did let him know though - I'm not scared of you and I don't keep secrets. Felt pretty fuckin nice actually cried for an hour after with relief/fear/joy/toomanyfeelings.

Course not saying I'd waste my pee if he was on fire - but I won't be made to turn to violence. Or condone the damage it does to others who use it. It doesn't solve anything and serves as a huge negative anchor wtfisthiszenstuffallabout But he was always careless with matches [goodgodMNgetaninnocentsmileyalreadyyouspoilallmyplans!] huff and grumble.

Oh ok, I'm a bit fick, mine died a horrible painful death and I don't feel sorry but am slightly annoyed I won't ever get the chance to look in his eye and know I've beaten him. Actually, writing that makes me feel all this is a bit pointless tbh. I have no way to let him know I could kick his ass now. Ha I'm completely pointless.

In what way pointless? No! Don't you dare. That is wrong thinking - you are a creative, valid, wonderful soul what you offer to others is beyond measure whether you can see it now or not. This aspect is not a boardwiper, it is merely a tiny footnote on the journey. He will fade into insignificance and you will be showing the world beautiful things and being vital and admired. You hurt him that you can count on, you just didn't get to witness it - small but significant difference.

I think what is worth remembering is - as he bargained to save his sorry self, as this sort always do, you were there stopping his peace. You were probably behind his eyelids. And he won't be behind yours. You have a whole life to live - you can stamp on his memory by living and you can talk and tell the world (if you want) what a coward he was. You get the last hurrah by default. What you have is an opportunity to skip a step! You don't need to bark loudly to scare people away- they're gone and it was torturous, your final bite was indeed worse than the barks of defiance I had.

I'm not proud of this but - that bastard suffered, idk how long but he suffered and was in misery. No one to love him truely because of what he was. He deserved every second of that pain but even at that time - there were people that wanted to see him dead. What does that tell you.

and thats where it gets all fucked up. I was raised in a very religious environment although now I am not religious, but, I have the fucked up notion of heaven and hell. He abused me, yes, but he was abused, where did he go? heaven? hell? and why the fuck do I worry about that when the sane part of my brain knows there is no heaven or hell. My heart worries I'll see him in heaven. And that ladies and gentlemen is why I abhor organised religion. I think to move forward I need to replace that indoctrination.

Welp I'm an athiest. I can't stand organised religion, I think you can be 'spiritual' if that's your bag in much healthier ways.

Because things like this matter sometimes - they just do.

They way I would figure this is: he was abused, that's bad & someone else is condemned to fiery oblivion. He chose , because he did choose, to inflict that same damage and hurt onto someone else; he had two ways to go and he went the wrong one - that's bad and an immediate thumbs down (death bed repentance is a controversial subject btw). You have chosen the other way - you will be cleansed through your struggle and emerge all shiny - immediate thumbs up to the good place. Youre a good person and that's what counts when we get down to brass tacks.

There is no plane of existence where you will meet him again. You are in vastly different places. In any case your feelings about religion may change - if you have a strong conection to a higher being then you could find any number of systems that you feel suit your style - heaven/hell has no universal translation. You could be re-incarnated, you could achieve enlightenment, you could be working your way through levels. Or you could feel, as I do, you have one life, one chance and live it well and then feed the earth on your demise. I quite fancy a sky burial but I reckon it's going to be bloody hard to organise. I'm quite a big lass at 6'2" so we are also wondering whether we should be turned into diamonds. I'd quite like that too. Pointless tangent apologies.

My new religious indoctrination:

"The only way to be is to be a gobby fuckin cow"

:o with red shaggy hair, horns and illegible accent

xpost :o

I'm definately going spiritual, and crushing the religious crap I've been fed on the way. Your words have given me reassurance though, thankyou very much.

I was feeling like I should get blottoed but now don't, funny how talking stuff out instantly lifts you.

:o

Oooo I'm 6ft, bugger for troosers and top sleeve lengths ain't it :o

Hmm yer on yer own wi' that! I need this foot stool for my afternoon naps don'tcherknow!

Admit it- you just like the thought of being a huge sparkly diamond and getting taken to all the pooosh places! totally why I'm doing it

Oh my word. I don't think I own anything that isn't a 3/4 length sleeve because they're such a bugger. Trousers - gah. I nearly cried once because my jeans finally gave up & I couldn't face the thought of finding a new pair. but I'm not allowed to live in my slanket & it's too cold to go nude so I had to. I cannot stand trousers that are too short and have collapsed a broken woman on many a service counter to get pairs 'shipped in' or whatever wizardry they do from other places.

Morning all its absolutely glorious here today, looks like I missed quite a party last night was knackered.

Morning everyone. It's beautiful here today too. Going to make the most of it and take dd out for the day. Have a lovely day x

Hmm what's been going on here then

Gorgeous day here too, I have some friends arriving later and the last bit of making the house less of a health hazard is in full swing. DH is in a bad mood which is getting majorly on my tits but I'm just ignoring.

I need a kick up the jacksy sat curled in the chair need to tidy garden up badly

can't write long posts here that's why i haven't replied, keep getting error

my abuser is my brother, I got him to admit what he did and told his wife

he made a pathetic apology, but now I feel I want him to suffer as well.

but I don't want our mother to have to know, also bro would probably commit suicide or something

I dream of getting my own back but very publicly and asking him to pay a huge sum to a charity or something

Pillow would you consider reporting him?

And he doesn't deserve to be called your brother mine is IT

Hi Pillow, I'm sorry that happened to you. I would also say report him, you could also sue for damages and do what you want with the money? I'm a bit of a bitch but so what if he commits suicide.

As for post lengths I think there's some issue on site stuff about that but check you click the remember me box.

How are you doing recovery wise, would he pay for your therapy? or donate to rape crisis?