Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Im glad I found this thread- its good to know other people understand.

I was abused as a teenager, from the age of 13 to 16, by my then best friends dad.

He used to be touch me in the car when he dropped me back off home, he kissed me on many occasions and even abused me a few times in his bedroom while my friend was in the next room.

I don`t hate him anymore- I used to- I just hate how its affected my life.

Thanks for reminding me Plink :) I'll keep a close eye and start a new one when we're closer to the end.

You're right doin, abusers are protected by the shame that society causes survivors to feel. If people felt more heard by society and more able to speak up far more abusers would be brought to justice.

I'm glad you felt able to post moonriver. How are you feeling about it these days?

Sometimes Im ok, sometimes Im not. It happened 13 years ago now and at times it feels like a daydream.

It`s had a huge impact on all my relationships though.

Have you spoken to anyone in real life moonriver? Or had any counselling?

I`ve spoken to a couple of people, although not in any great depth. My parents know, but have never really spoken about it- I do know that my mum thinks that I should not let it affect me.

I have been in counselling years ago but never bought it up.

If there's anything you'd like to talk about here moonriver, please do. How do you feel about your parents' reaction?

Im angry that she acts like she thinks its something I can just brush under the carpet, but I can also understand why she reacts like that- I think shes just hoping that Ill get over it .

I feel bad as I was a mess for a long, long time a few years after it all stopped and I did put my family, friends and someone who I loved dealy at the time through hell. Self harm, drugs, dumping my lovely OH at the time for someone who was abusive and controlling, vanishing for a week without contacting anyone...I was a mess for ages and I still feel guilty about that.

I have got got myself under control tho, am now very anti drugs and haven`t self harmed in years :)

My mother had the same reaction. I am still very angry about it.

Its awful isnt it? Have you ever been able to confront her over it?

I talked to her about the abuse on two occasions. The first time I was just starting to deal with it so I didn't really have the clarity to push the issue. It was clear from how she reacted that she already knew about it which didn't register with me at the time but which now makes me feel awful - why did she never mention it of her own accord? She told me about an incident that happened to her when she was little, basically made out it's just "something that happens" and that I should get over it. I just accepted that was her reaction at the time.

I talked to her again a few years later and she said pretty much the same things. This time I tried to push it and said I wasn't over it and I was finding it hard to deal with. She then said I was trying to make her feel guilty and that she had only had him (the abuser) in the house because she was trying to make more money for the family - the implication being that by complaining I was being ungrateful.

She is an utter shit.

I'm not going to talk to her about it again, ever, because I feel like it would kill me for her to dismiss me again.

:( hugs

It`s strange you should say that, as my mother also said that "had a feeling something like that was going on" when she eventually found out- why did she continue to let me going aound there???

I find it very hard to understand.

Hugs Moonriver and Cailin, my mother said "he abused his daughter" about my step father, "oh well he was stupid" about my step fathers friend. Wta jeff does that mean? my mother has considered me a slag since I was about 10 anyway!

Seems none of us had great caring mothers

God moonriver how awful and you too Cailin why did your mother not say anything?!

I must admit I am terrified of getting a similar reaction from my own mother so I've kept my abuse a secret from her. She has always treated me differently though, never praises my accomplishments, told me to 'get on with it like everyone else has to' when I was suffering from PND, and I've always wondered if she suspected anything. I can tell you that if I found out that she even vaguely thought anything was going on and did nothing to protect me I think I'd cut her out of my life completely.

So I'm too afraid to tell her. I wish I was brave enough I'm sure she'd blame me especially as I never said anything before.

But how horrible for you both.

Hugs xx

Actually I did bloody say something before although not the whole thing, what he was doing, but she dismissed what I said. I keep burying that fact away. It's all hazy sometimes.

Its strange, as she is generally a good mother- its just this one thing I dont understand. I don`t talk to her about it anymore as she gets defensive (maybe its her way of coping?) and I get upset.

Thankyou everyone for your support and understanding xx

I get that too Mists...it all feels like one big nightmare sometimes, it doesn`t feel real xx

My mother actually unknowingly colluded in the first incident of abuse. He was staying in our house with his daughter and friend (who later also got involved, to a lesser extent) and offered to bathe me along with his daughter. I was only about 5/6 but even so I could see that was a bit weird and I objected. My mother got annoyed and told me not to be a pain. I whinged some more but being so little what could I do? I suppose then it became clear to him that I was an easy target and he abused me in the bath.

Is it normal for a mother to insist that her daughter let a man she barely knows bathe her, even though she is uncomfortable with it?

Oh Callin that`s awful :(

To answer your questions, no I dont think thats normal. At all.

There is also the very likely possibility that my older sister was also abused. I don't have any memories that would point to that, but my memories are so hazy that I can't be sure. I can't ask her about it.

Is your sister aware of what happened to you?

Not as far as I know.

Just to clarify a bit, we're not close at all, in fact we have practically no relationship.

hugs That must be hard.

How do you feel about what happened these days?