Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

I think you have to pick a counsellor/therapist that suits.

The one I am seeing is a sort of hippy type, we are only doing minimisation at the moment for legal reasons, but I am sure she is a wiccan, which I find comforting, certainly, she is interested in homeopathy etc.

I wouldnt be happy in the circumstances you describe and I think if I was to change I would go an view the premises, meet the person before I agreed to give them £30 plus an hour.

JaneDoe, I like the sound of your therapist!

When you say you'd not be happy in the circs i described - do you mean because of hearing her husband in the next room?

Are you uncomfortable with the set up or uncomfortable with therapy? Only asking incase you are finding reasons to not go back to therapy.

Could you say to her it is making you uncomfortable having him in the next room.

I personally would not like that or that I couldn't discuss something I needed to and would be looking for a different therapist. It's your therapy, your money, your future. Can you ask rape crisis or somewhere for recommended therapists?

Do you need someone else's approval to dump your therapist, Karma?
Genuine question.

Are you uncomfortable with the set up or uncomfortable with therapy? Only asking incase you are finding reasons to not go back to therapy.

The therapy has helped significantly in certain areas. In dealing with abusive family members in particular. But I can't get to the nitty gritty of how much self-disgust I feel, how grossed out I feel about the idea of sex etc etc because of the man in the next room and because my therapist seems squeamish about too much abuse stuff.

Do you need someone else's approval to dump your therapist, Karma?

Yes. It seems so.

Well done!

Your therapist seems squeamish about a fundamental issue.

You feel uncomfortable with the premises.

I'd say it's pretty cut and dried ... but I am NOT telling you what to do with YOUR therapeutic process!

I'm gonna go check her website and see what her qualifications are as I can't remember

Find another :) some work, some don't, don't be afraid to find what you're comfortable with.

oooh, I just did tell you what to do with your therapy, have I made a faux pas(sp)? Do I put a dunce cap on?

Hang on I agree with Nhan, well said, do you feel being a councellor is good for you?

Hahahaha Plink. I think I see what's going on here. In the past I've had counsellors who are actually complete tossers. This counsellor now is a decent, reliable, functional human being. That's a major step-up for me! Makes it hard to walk away. But hey - [lightbulb moment] - I deserve a counsellor who actually has the expertise to help me.

NHAN - I've heard great things about EMDR! Did you have many sessions of it?? You mentioned the other things you tried, did you find reiki and acupuncture helpful at all?

x

I would love EMDR but I can't have it because I can't remember the traumatic memories

KarmaK - while I feel you are in much need of practice in the arts of evaluating relationships and civilly ending them when unsuitable, there is one thing I'd like to ask you to consider. You don't have to consider it, of course.

The reason I told you about my male counsellor and the periods & ovaries episode is this: I feel it could be useful for you to find out whether she really is squeamish around sexual abuse, or whether you are projecting that. The very straightforward way to establish that is by asking her "Are you comfortable with my discussing the details of sexual abuses I suffered as a child?"

It might also be a good idea to tell her what you dislike about her premises - exactly as you did here. She may not be willing to change (perhaps she needs her H there for comfort) in which case you will have a concrete point of incompatibility.

It could be nice to assertively raise your problems, thus gaining valuable information that will help you in your decision-making. What do you think?

Good Karma, it is your money, you should be able to discuss anything and you deserve someone who helps you.

Nhan, yes is EMDR good? I have thought about training as a councellor and was told you have to have yourself as your first client and ensure you have sorted your problems out. Is that right and did you have good support and training. I'd like to something like that but not sure I'm the right type of person.

Agree Garlic

Karma, I think counselling/therapy should be in a private space, where you can feel able to confide and relax, I dont think that can be achieved by hearing a man (or indeed woman) clattering about next door.

I would also not want a counsellor/therapist who was inexperienced or uncomfortable with sexual abuse.

After all you are going to a specialist for help, not so you can help them train.

Thanks Nhan, I think if I do consider it seriously I would go accredited.

Can I ask what "wounded healer" is?

It could be nice to assertively raise your problems, thus gaining valuable information that will help you in your decision-making. What do you think?

This is an interesting one. At my very first appointment with her she asked me what brought me to therapy. When I mentioned I have PTSD, am dissociative and have an abuse history that is still causing me problems she said she's not experienced with any of those things but that we'll "see how we go."

My gut feeling was: I need someone who IS experienced and comfortable with these issues.

At this point, when I am strongly considering moving on to a new therapist, I feel it is as good a time as any to ask her whether or not she is comfortable with me talking about the abuse. And also what the deal is with dude in the room next door....

I also realised after qualifying that i couldn't give a flying fuck about anyone elses problems so realised I should probably do some more work on myself haha. I care again now, but for the right reasons, not in a wounded healer way.

I love your self-awareness and honesty.

hi everyone, hope your all well, thanks for re posting a new thread CD,

I've had an unusual day but a good day
my DH said he was worried about me? and so he had a look at my phone, he had read the posts I'd made on the last thread,
he came in and asked how I was feeling which he has never done before, I knew something was annoying him, then he'd told me he'd read my posts, at first I felt embarrassed and sick to the stomach but after DH talking to me I felt a bit relieved he did read them, it's kind of helped him, I feel a lot better talking to him, at first I did my usual and look away, hang my head or change the subject, I even laughed with nerves, just because I've never TALKED before not proper, he'd told me never to hang my head as I've nothing to be ashamed of and that I was never to blame,
I felt like I had a lump in my throat,
I can't explain really I'm a bit over whelmed I just wanted to share with you ladies x

Glad things are going good, Liver, it's good your DH has responded positively.

I've had/in the couldn't give a flying fuck stage, not sure I could provide therapy to an abuser.

Go for it Karma , I'm just encouraging you now aren't I, argh penny dropped, do you intend to find out how just exactly how squeamish she is?

Thanks Nhan, yes I met a psychiatrist like that. Very interesting point to consider.

I'm delighted you had such a positive experience with your DH Liver. Having someone tell you those kinds of things really helps I think. Even if you know them in your own head sometimes you need someone to say it out loud for it to really sink in. Good on your DH :)

Can anyone recommend any books that are particularly good when it comes to working on personal boundaries and assertiveness?