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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

CailinDana · 2012-03-27T13:40:30+00:00

The original thread is [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1431876-Support-thread-for-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse?msgid=30851505#30851505 here]] The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say. Some useful links from the previous thread: [[http://www.samaritans.org/?gclid=CPrqlpXfhq8CFc4LtAodJUmk_g Samaritans]] [[http://www.napac.org.uk/ National Association for People Abused in Childhood]] [[http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ Rape Crisis]] [[http://www.pandys.org/ Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based]] [[http://www.mosac.org.uk/ Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based]] [[http://www.womenagainstrape.net/resource/self-help-guide-survivors-rape-and-sexual-assault Women against rape self help guide to court]]

996 replies

CailinDana · 27/03/2012 14:40

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

OP posts:

Original poster

CailinDana · 15/04/2012 15:22

Hi doin. There's no easy answer to your question. It is wrong and maddening and so unfair that he has got away with what he did. You were very brave to report him and it is really shit that nothing came of it.

Dontknow, how are you doing?

OP posts:

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 15:24

Doin are you still in touch with his other victims if so they might be willing to come forward and support a case against him xx

PlinkPaSta · 15/04/2012 15:26

Hi Doin, I don't know, rape crisis might be able to help with the legal stuff and provide councelling for all his victims.

doinmummy · 15/04/2012 15:26

I'm generally OK thankyou. I haven't had counselling but absolutely know that as it wasn't my fault I have nothing to be ashamed about .
I have had realtionships with very controlling men though and often wonder if what happened to me as a child has something to do with it.

Original poster

CailinDana · 15/04/2012 15:30

There could be a link between the abuse and the later bad relationships. Are you in a relationship at the moment doin?

OP posts:

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 15:32

Counselling isn't just about blame doin it goes far far deeper exploring lots of different things at least it does if its done properly x

doinmummy · 15/04/2012 15:34

I could contact a couple of the other girls, I dont know them very well now though,but how on earth do you broach such a subject?
Many years ago I hinted at what happened to my sister and it upset her so much I dropped it.
I just dont feel comfortable with upsetting other peoples lives. It happened so many years ago, I dont know how or if they have dealt with it.
This is the part that troubles me so much, weighing up this man getting away with it against the cost of upsetting other peoples lives.
How do I know that they have told their partners? What if they haven't and it opens a can of worms?
My parents never knew what happened and I would hate for them to find out now as they are elderly.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 15:37

It's up to you doin I feel i've caused so much hurt by what i've done but no-one else thinks I have I can't help the way I feel though x

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 15/04/2012 15:37

Thankyou all again, feeling a bit better now.
It's funny, when I see it written down, I think "why the fuck didn't we do something, we were so bloody stupid". I hate myself for allowing it to happen, for allowing myself to be in this state now. My life could have been so different x

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 15/04/2012 15:37

Original poster

CailinDana · 15/04/2012 15:37

It's a tough call doin. I'm always of the view that it is not the duty of the victims to bring the perpetrator to justice unless they absolutely want to. For that reason I would be reluctant to bring it up with the other girls. However, at the same time I could see how connecting with them might be a positive thing overall, especially if in the end it did result in the abuser being convicted. It's hard to say what's for the best.

OP posts:

doinmummy · 15/04/2012 15:38

I have been in an on/off relationship for a few years with a chap that is sulky and jealous. It's off at the moment.
I dont know why I keep getting back in contact with him as I know he's very wrong for me.
I have tried counselling for confidence issues but I've never found it helpful,also cant really afford it.

Original poster

CailinDana · 15/04/2012 15:39

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. From what you've said Dontknow it sounds like you were in a terrible situation that anyone would have found difficult to deal with. It doesn't seem to me like you could have controlled what was happening at all. Why do you think you were stupid?

OP posts:

doinmummy · 15/04/2012 15:41

I just wish that I could tell the police, they would believe me, arrest him and all would be well.
It is a very hard call to make.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 15:41

I feel the same but you where young not in control they where in control and should not of put you through it. x

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 15/04/2012 15:43

Tbh I don't know. I was 16, I should have stopped it, at the time the only reason we didn't go to the police is because they would have killed us, would that really have been worse than this. I'm not sure.
But then it really annoys me, the times I ended up in hospital, why did nobody notice, why did nobody stop it. I am just so messed up about it.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 15:45

They don't see it Dontknow I was hospitalized at 12 had a womens operation they MUST of seen something but no-one helped me x

doinmummy · 15/04/2012 15:46

I have reconciled with myself with what happened but I hate knowing that he has got away with it and the power lies with me to put that right.

Original poster

CailinDana · 15/04/2012 15:47

To me 16 seems very very young. You say it as though you should have known better, but IMO a 16 year old isn't really equipped to deal with an awful situation like that.

You are right to question why nobody noticed when you went to hospital. I would have thought it was standard for someone to sit down with a person who has obviously been assaulted and ask what happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

CailinDana · 15/04/2012 15:49

You seem to be taking a lot of responsibility on yourself doin. You don't really have the power to put it right. You did what you could by reporting him but beyond that it's very much out of your control. Do you agree? Or do you feel differently?

OP posts:

PlinkPaSta · 15/04/2012 15:54

Dill - to ease restlessness and stress, used in gripe water.

Lavendar - to balance emotions and induce peaceful sleep.

German Chamomile - to calm nervousness. I used it along with local honey as an antihistamine for my DS's hayfever. Roman Chamomile is almost the same but has anti tumour effects.

Lemon Balm - my fav for nervous tension, anxiety, depression, palpitations, can be used for a long time. Bees love it.

Catnip - tension headaches, anxiety, insomnia. Cats love it.

doinmummy · 15/04/2012 16:03

I can have a talk to myself and I do realise that it's not all down to me. I guess the other girls may feel the same and I guess that they could also report it if they wanted to. Maybe they think the same as I do and they cant disrupt anyone elses life either.
That is what abusers hope for I suppose, that everyone is too scared to report them and that is why they carry on.

dottyspotty2 · 15/04/2012 16:28

Yes doin I've been worrying lately that maybe I was his last and shouldn't of caused all this hurt his wife son have done nothing wrong and I've caused them enormous hurt

PlinkPaSta · 15/04/2012 16:28

Doin, hugs, you can only really look at yourself, if you've reported maybe they will, then the police might do something. Each survivor does whats right for them.

Evening Primrose - phosphorescent flowers, several fatty acids, eases depression and hyperactivity, balances female hormones.

Passionflower and Cowslip - non-drowsy sedative for insomnia and anxiety. Do Not use during pregnancy.

Linden - calms nerves. In Greek myth, Kronos raped Philyra so the gods turned her into a linden to free her!

PlinkPaSta · 15/04/2012 16:39

thats all tea wise,

cailin, freds filling up.

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